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I'm so glad this place exists

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by scooby, Jan 12, 2012.

  1. scooby

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    I'm pretty damn deep in my closet. Anybody who's been through what you read below, please let me know if you've found a way out:

    (I apologize for this being long winded, but I need to get everything out there.)

    My parents split just before I became a teenager, when I was just starting to figure out my place in the world. I knew I fantasized about girls but never about guys - not in that way. I wanted to get married and have babies someday, but I never saw boys as sexual beings. I was too comfortable around them; they were friends. It was verrry difficult to have friends that were girls. (I realize now from talking to guy friends that they felt the same way around girls when they hit puberty and started noticing girls "that way".)

    My dad is the biggest jerk the world has ever seen. The way he makes money is criminal, that's all I can say, but he's very wealthy. He started a secret family right around the time he and my mom started dating in high school; he had a mistress from another town and kept her and their son in a house we didn't know about. Mom was a model and came from a rich family, so he married her and they had me and my brothers - my father was appalled that he had a daughter, and never once held me; he rarely talked to me. The mistress blackmailed him and told him she was tired of hiding and demanded he get a divorce. He is a "high profile" fellow and tried to have my mother killed instead, right in front of me. I was 9 years old. She finally disappeared, taking me and my siblings on the run. He found us, and kidnapped us. He told everyone that my mother was dead, and then when she came back into town and proved him wrong, demanding to see her children, he had her put into a mental institution and pumped full of drugs.

    For months I was trapped in that big house that was a waking nightmare. My new stepmother (my brothers and I were not invited to the wedding) was the epitome of "noveau riche" - she turned our childhood bedrooms into her personal gymnasium, home office, and sitting room. We slept on cots in the basement. She threw out all our family photos, all our toys. Once she found a picture of my mother I had hidden and went ballistic. Demanded that my brothers (but not me) call her "Mom" in public. She hired an old classmate of hers that she didn't like in school, and paid her quite a bit of money to scrub her toilet - not to clean anything else, just to scrub her toilet. Every other chore - cooking, cleaning, etc. - was left to me. Stepmommy Dearest especially hated me, probably because I look a lot like my mother. I made every meal, I did all the laundry, I scrubbed floors on my knees. I didn't care so long as she left my brothers alone, but when she threw my 5-year-old brother on the floor and kicked him in the face until he lost teeth, I ran away and visited the police station. They called my father; that's ALL they did. When he brought me home my stepmother tried to kill me. He stopped her - but only because, as he said, it would be too obvious who had done it. She told him "her or me". I will never forget those words. He told me I had ten minutes to pack and get out. (I didn't know it then, but I was not going to see him, or my brothers, or aunts/uncles/cousins, for another 20 years.)

    For weeks I bounced around from friend's house to friend's house and finally called my mom's parents, whom I hadn't seen in years. They were living in the South. They came and got me, and I told them what had happened to mom. We busted her out of that damned-by-god "hospital". She was not the same person I remembered. Night terrors, crying spells. She alternated between aching for her other children and trying to pretend they didn't exist. We moved in with my grandparents. They spent every penny they had to help her.

    I'll stop there, but I can tell you that my mother became very religious, and started a Christian health organization that helps people in grieving. Me out of the closet would mean, to her clients (she thinks), that her own family is damned to hell so they would all leave her. She's "accused" me of being gay before, and angrily assured that if I ever told her that I was, or told anyone else I was, she would make sure I was cut off from the other half of my family as well. I cannot express how that would kill me. Her parents, my grandparents, are elderly and not well. I want to spend as much time with them as possible before they pass on. They are old-fashioned and feel the same way she does; they would shun me if I was out, not out of anger but out of shame. My career would be in shambles if I was outed, because of where I live - the epicenter of religious bigotry.

    My mother moved in next door to me - mostly so I can keep an eye on her health. I love her, but she doesn't really know me, not the real me. It's rare that I feel it's OK to talk about what happened to me back then, and NOBODY knows I'm bi/gay - not even my closest friends. Part of me still feels she might be right and that a God exists that would let me burn. That maybe I caused all my awful awful past because I was too stubborn to make myself "normal".

    I'm sorry, I keep adding to this. Thank you so much for letting me air all that, even if it never gets read.
     
    #1 scooby, Jan 12, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2012
  2. scooby

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    I may move this to a different area... looks like a cry for help more than an introduction.
     
  3. Ianthe

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    Hi, welcome to Empty Closets!

    I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. None of the things that happened to you are your fault. Including being gay--you were born with it, whatever your mother thinks.

    I have some more to say, but I agree that you might get more responses if you post in the Support and Advice area. If you are going to, I'll post what I have to say there, so that others can read it, too.
     
  4. hml8

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    Hey :smilewave welcome to EC, I'm so glad you've found us, it sounds like you might need some support!

    I'm really sorry to hear how much of a rough time you've had and if you need to don't hesitate to talk to me about anything!
     
  5. Mercy

    Mercy Guest

    Welcome scooby :slight_smile: <3
     
  6. Artemicion

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    Hello and welcome to EC. (*hug*)
     
  7. Jessica816

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    Hello and welcome scooby....I won't say much but ill start by saying for one I would love to give you a big hug. Second of all you sound so strong and I'm so sorry that you've gone thru so much in your life.
     
  8. alan t

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    Hi scooby. I read your story, thanks for writing it. Hope you enjoy this site
     
  9. scooby

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    Thank you all. I'm moving it to Support.
     
  10. Gerry

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    Welcome scooby. It sounds like you've definitely had your fair share of ups and downs growing up. You're definitely a strong person to go through all that. I hope you'll find everything you're looking for here at EC and remember, it's okay to rant and vent. That's what we're here for. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I've gone ahead and moved this to support and advice for you as well.
     
  11. Hana Solo

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    I'm so sorry you went through all that, I can't even imagine it... (*hug*) if you need to rant, just talk to me, write on my wall, and I'll listen even if I can't help.

    And welcome to EC! I hope you find what you're looking for here.
     
  12. Cantthinkofone

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    Welcome to EC! I'm glad you found this place...I live in an extremely religious household myself so this has kind of been the only place where I can look for support.

    I am so sorry you had to go through all that...I think you are very strong for dealing with it all if you ever need to talk don't hesitate to talk to me.
    I wish I could help you more but right now all i can offer is a BIG virtual hug (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
     
  13. scooby

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    It occurs to me I've been a parent without ever bearing a child. Mom will need constant care the rest of her life.

    I would love love love to be an adoptive mother. (Can't be a birth mother - long story.) Probably have to move before I can do that. Anyone know the sitch on gay adoptive parenting - laws and such?
     
  14. Fugs

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    I'm not sure, it might depend on the state or country you live in; but in the States I'm pretty positive that LGBT members are allowed to adopt :slight_smile:
     
  15. malachite

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    Welcome Scooby. This site will help you find your way, it did for me.