This may be long so I apologize in advance... I've been going to counseling for almost 3 months now. While I enjoy my time with my counselor, sometimes I feel extremely frustrated since all I really do is talk about the same issues over and over again. And while I gain certain insight from it and I feel better after it, my little light of hope quickly fades after 2 or 3 days. I took one of those depression and anxiety tests last week and scored very high on the depression test. So from therapy, I've basically went from being an anxious yet somewhat hopeful person to a pessimistic depressing person. I know it supposedly goes that you're supposed to feel worse before it gets better, but I don't know if I buy into that anymore. I don't really have much hope for anything anymore. I didn't tell my counselor this because part of me was somewhat embarrassed by it and I didn't think it was a big deal but I guess I'll tell you all. Sometimes when I'm driving in my car, I feel like letting go of the steering wheel or pushing the car off the road. I don't know why I feel like this but it's becoming more frequent. I'll be driving on my way home across this narrow road I always take and then I'll move the car just a little bit to the edge and think about just turning the steering wheel all the way to the right... but of course I don't. I don't really know what that means but I'm pretty sure it's not a good thing. I don't know why I'm posting this. I just got out of my session today but that little glimmer of hope I used to get after each session is no longer there. I guess I just would like some feedback since the loneliness I've been feeling has dramatically increased since the holidays and I'm just having a hard time pretending that I'm fine and happy anymore.
First things first. >>>I didn't tell my counselor this because part of me was somewhat embarrassed by it and I didn't think it was a big deal but I guess I'll tell you all. Sometimes when I'm driving in my car, I feel like letting go of the steering wheel or pushing the car off the road. I don't know why I feel like this but it's becoming more frequent. Let me be the first to tell you this. In big bold letters. This is a big deal. And your counselor should be told about it. Also, know that depression often can take place completely independent of whatever else is going on in your life. My worst bout of depression happened at a point in time when everything else in my life was actually going extremely well. So don't be too quick to think "Well, I'm in therapy, so I shouldn't be getting depressed"...especially if your counselor doesn't even know about all of your negative thoughts. As for the rest of it. Do you and your counselor have some sort of plan of attack? Do you have specific issues you're working on, and specific goals you're working on achieving? If not, and if that's something you would like to do, ask your counselor that. Say you've been going for three months, and while you've felt better during (and immediately after) the sessions, you'd like to work on reaching some specific goals. Lex
To get the most benefit from therapy, you need to be completely honest with your therapist. Tell her (or him, I'll assume her for simplicity) exactly what you told us: That you feel worse two or three days afterwards, that you feel like driving the car off the road, that you're frustrated. A good therapist will be able to understand and adapt the way your therapy is going, and will seek out advice from her clinical supervisor if the therapy seems "stuck." I assure you this is a solvable problem. But the more your therapist knows about what's going on outside the therapy room, and what you're not telling her, the more effective she can be.
Thanks for the reply Lex. I think one of the problems I have is that we're working on so many issues that are all seemingly interrelated to one another: anxiety, identity issues (this is the big one), self esteem, my problems adjusting to a new university/making friends, and of course my sexuality. So far I've taken several assessments to help me out with my identity issues and we've also gone over some key issues that I could change to improve my interpersonal relationships with other people. As for goals, we haven't really set any. The only thing that I have managed to improve on is that I am no longer in denial about my sexuality, but there's still a lot of internalized homophobia that I'm dealing with and my family, as well my culture and religion, really doesn't help me overcome this at all. I think I would like to set up some goals but I'm afraid I don't know how to set up some goals on issues that are so well mental/internal. I've always been more of doer so while talking helps, I need to physically be able to do something about my issues in order to feel better.
It's true that our issues often overlap one another, and so there often is a ton of sorting out to do. But a lot of times, you can set some rather basic goals to work towards. For instance, in regards to being in school and making friends, you might set a goal of talking to two or three new people a day. Or for your self-esteem issues, making a list of positive qualities. I'm not a counselor, so I won't presume to suggest that these are ideal things for you to try specifically, but you might talk to your counselor about setting up some basic things to work towards. Sometimes, fulfilling even simple goals can help a lot. Lex
First of all, I'm totally agreeing with Lex here. Feeling like you don't have a reason to be depressed is, well, one of the hallmarks of being depressed. When I was the most depressed, I was doing well in school, and had wonderful support from my friends and family. So I felt guilty for feeling the way I did, and hid it for a long time because of that. But things got so much better once I finally owned up to it. As far as the good feelings you get immediately after therapy, I understand that too. But therapy should be giving you some strategies for dealing with your issues in your day to day life. Lex is right-setting goals is a great idea, and if you're upfront with your counselor, they should be able to help you decide what those goals should be.
Thanks for replying Chip. I told her earlier today that sometimes I feel frustrated because I've been stuck in the same situation for awhile. I even told her about me feeling better during therapy but worst afterwards. Somehow that conversation drifted towards me talking about what happened over the past 3 weeks to make me feel even worse so we never really ended up addressing how to rectify this problem. Lex, I see what you mean. I'm going to tell her about it and hopefully we can work out some goals. Pinstripe, I think you nailed it when you said "strategies". That's exactly what I'm lacking: strategies to deal with these problems. We have gone over a few strategies I suppose and I have put them into practice, but unfortunately, I haven't seen any changes. Thanks for the responses everyone, it means a lot to me.
Dream: I'm so glad you're going to be open and honest with your counselor. Once I opened up fully, he was really able to help me with life-long strategies that have saved my life many times over. Keep us posted on how well you're doing. I love success stories. But more importantly, write someone here or post on someone's wall if you're not feeling and doing better soon!
