I’m 24 and I’m just starting to identify as bi. In the past, I’ve written off my feelings towards other women as not worth exploring because I do like men. I was sure that I was attracted to men more than women, but now I have a hard time saying even that with confidence. I’m attracted to different people- some are men, some are women, and it’s hard to quantify. The only person I’ve ever talked about this with is my roommate. We met in college, and I’ve been living with her for the better part of 5 years. We’re from different states, but we continued to live together after graduation. All of our friends see us as inseparable- we spend practically all of our free time together. We went to art school, and we work very well together collaboratively, on writing and comics mostly, because we understand each other so well. So I guess it’s kind of inevitable that I’d feel attracted to her at some point. I think one of the reasons I’ve denied being bi for so long is the fact that I’d be forced to admit my feelings for her to myself if I did. She’s bi as well- she’s had a girlfriend before, I haven’t. As I mentioned before, I have talked to her about the possibility of me dating a girl, and about a crush I had on another girl at one point. The only times we’ve talked about the possibility of getting together ourselves, it’s been jokingly- and about how our parents think we’re lesbians now, but they don’t understand, etc. But we also talk about the future and things we’re going to do together, like traveling and living abroad, and it makes me realize that I don’t want to do that with anyone but her. Not that we’d need to be a couple to do those things, but I’m starting to wish that we were. Also, the more we talk, the more I realize that our priorities match up when it comes to family, work, and sex. So my question, of course, is whether to tell her anything or not. If I do, I’m afraid she’ll just brush it off, saying we’ve just been spending too much time together or something. Part of the reason I don’t know if she’ll see my feelings as genuine is because she can sometimes have a low opinion of herself, and would have a hard time accepting that someone is attracted to her. I think she’ll also say that a relationship would get in the way of our projects, which is a valid concern, and I don’t want to mess up our collaborative work either. But more than that, I’m afraid of ruining the best friendship I’ve ever had. Or at the very least making it awkward. I’d like to think that our friendship is strong enough to survive if we broke up, or if she rejected me, but I’m not sure. In any case, I’m less afraid of rejection because I think I could handle that. Sorry if that was long, I’m just really confused about what to do.
Welcome to EC, fellow Coloradoan. She's bi, and she seems open about talking about things like this. Given this, I'd say go ahead and talk to her. However, you might be a bit circumspect about how deep these feelings go. You might say something along the lines "I've found myself wondering if I'd want to get into a relationship with you, but I worry that that might throw a wrench into the works of our friendship." This broaches the subject without really revealing the extent of your crush. If she immediately throws a wall down - "Oh, yeah, that'd be a horrible idea" - then take that as your answer, agree with her, and go on with your life. But if she seems open to the idea, you can start discussing whether the possible benefits might outweigh the risks. Lex
I don't have an answer for you as I'm not positive of what I'm into but I can relate to you situation, I to like a friend but I don't know if she is even bi and whether or not she would accept me, she's already had another female friend say that she likes her, but she doesn't want to go any further with her. So i can totally understand your problem. sorry if this didn't help.
Thanks, Lex! I'm definitely glad to be here. Just talking about this stuff is a huge step for me. The more I think about it, the more I think I should bring it up. We're both very frank and straightforward people. We can also be very stoic, which can make it hard to talk about my feelings with her. She has a great sense of humor, and can make light of most situations, which I really like about her. But I also want her to take my feelings seriously in this case. Reyuu, I'm glad to know someone else is going through something similar, even if you don't have an answer, so I appreciate that.
Okay, so basically you are already in a relationship with her, only neither of you has dared to kiss the other one yet. I mean, everybody around you seems to think you are basically already together. And you live together, spend all your time together, and make long-term plans, together. When was the last time either of you dated anyone else? In fact, wouldn't your plans together face some obstacles if either of you was in a serious relationship with anyone else? So, you've made plans together that preclude either of you finding someone else. So, how would you feel, at this point, if she were seeing someone? My point is, the way you would feel about that already would probably interfere with the two of you working together as it is. You already have these feelings. You might want to start by confirming to her that you are definitely bisexual. Just start referring to yourself that way, with her. She might be cautious about getting into anything with you if you don't seem sure. You need it to be clear to her that you can imagine yourself in a long term relationship with a woman, rather than just dating one casually. You say she jokes around a lot. People who joke around a lot will often say something they are serious about in a joking way. Is she the one who usually jokes around about the two of you dating? Or let me put it another way: you have talked to each other about your sexuality. If she were actually against the idea of dating you, do you think she would joke about it? Unless she's given you some reason to think she isn't attracted to you, I think she's probably interested. Given what you've said about her self-esteem, and the fact that you've talked to her about other girls, she probably thinks you couldn't possibly be interested. I don't know why she'd think your feelings weren't genuine if you told her about them, though. Why would you lie about something like that? Anyway, don't just tell her cold, with no prelude. Do some subtle things first--start touching her more (just casually), let her catch you looking at her, hold eye contact. Tell her she's beautiful, and don't let her argue. Then you can think about how to approach the subject more directly. Or indirectly, through your work together, since you say you are both kind of stoic, and that seems like a good way to express yourselves.
I'm glad you put it this way, this makes so much sense! In fact, both of us rarely date. We say it's because we're busy, don't like the bar scene, etc, but I really think it's because we'd rather spend time with each other. I actually mentioned something to that effect to her, and she seemed to agree. I have been hesitant about it in the past. I know she probably thinks I'm just curious about girls, but not sure, so I'll definitely try to make it more clear that I do see myself as bi. ...Oh! I never really thought of it that way. Yes, I think this is a great strategy going forward... Well, that got quote-heavy, but you just made so many points that made me really think. Seriously, I don't think I can thank you enough for taking the time to leave such a thorough and thoughtful reply.
Good luck Pinstripe! I was on a similar situation last year. I had a HUGE crush on my best friend and was afraid to tell her about it because we understand each other so well. I can talk to her about anything that crosses my mind and she still gets me; It's incredible. Anyway, I decided to tell her about my questioning bisexuality one day and she told me she was dealing with the same situation. We started spending more time together and some friends used to ship us "joking" about it because we were so alike. That weekend we hanged out and were cuddling all the time. After a while our hands touched and we have been dating since then. Telling her about my bisexuality may have been the best decision I have ever made. Good luck with making a move It doesn't need to be a kiss. You can be very affectionate with her (we weren't before because we were so scared the other one will notice), but becoming it made the start even easier! Hope it helps..
