1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Death, numbness, and strange thoughts

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by midwestgirl89, Jan 13, 2012.

  1. midwestgirl89

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2011
    Messages:
    1,101
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Indiana
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I've been having/have had thoughts that are kind of strange and I've been pulling away from people & animals. The internet and tv are easier to deal with. I'm numb-ish and unsure if this is normal. I feel somewhat detached and like I can't truly feel life. My cat died the other day and it has brought up deaths from the past. I keep thinking about the way their body felt and/or looked.

    The other day I was outside and I thought in my head that my mom and sister were going to be killed in a car accident. I played out a scenario where they both died and I was attending their funerals. I thought of the song that would play, etc. Needless to say, I was scared that I would get a phone call about them being killed. A couple years ago I kept playing the scenario in my head where my dad kills himself and I have to attend his funeral.

    I also keep feeling numb when I pet my animals. I think of my dead cat and how one day soon my animals' bodies will be stiff and cold from death. I don't want to pet them as much because I can't stand to see them die. I know that doesn't make sense at all. I'm kind of detaching myself. When taking my cat to its burial spot I almost felt like I wasn't there. I put him in the ground and held him but it was not real to me. I felt this same feeling with other family members when they were buried.

    When I hugged my mom today I thought about how she will be stiff and dead sometime in the future. It was a very sad thought but also I felt numb. I also thought about my other family members in that way. The look and feel of a dead body kept coming to my mind and it was weird. I felt sad that my family members will all come to that one day. I have been through quite a few deaths (at least I think I have..idk) and they have all affected me. My stepdad died when I was little and he was pretty much my dad. When I was told about his death, I laughed. Weird reaction, I know. I've been to about 20 funerals/funeral showings and I have lost over 10 pets. I can't explain what death is like for me.

    It's there and it sucks but I'm numb as well. I used to be extremely depressed because of the death of my family members but now I don't know how I feel. I get sad but I expect that I will lose everyone I love. However I also get very upset when someone dies, just after a while not right away. When burying my cat and when holding my dead uncle's hand at the hospital, I felt the same thing: numbness. Afterword I cried a lot and was sad but whatever.

    I find myself being very detached from friends. I tend to isolate myself at times. Is this a normal reaction to death? I often don't want to get close to people if they are going to leave.
     
  2. Chandra

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2010
    Messages:
    605
    Likes Received:
    0
    I can relate to some of what you're saying. I have struggled a lot in the past with OCD, and my main fixation was the possible deaths of people I love. And I have had invasive images of things I didn't want to picture, like friends, family, or pets dying. It sounds like you may have some sort of affective or psychological disorder - perhaps not OCD but something like it. I would strongly encourage you to speak to a therapist. If you don't know how to find one, go to your family doctor and ask. The numbness could be a part of it too, or it could be a different condition like SAD. Again, talking to a professional can hopefully help you figure out what's going on.
     
  3. breakingboxes

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2011
    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    I dont really know what to say hun, but i wish i did. It sounds hard. Maybe you should see someone? It really helps me...
     
  4. climbingivy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 6, 2011
    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hey midwestgirl. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. (*hug*) I can't claim to know what you're going through, but I have helped a number of close friends through the deaths of people close to them. One thing that I can say is no reaction to death is "normal". Just let yourself feel what you're feeling and take care of your health. Also, as Chandra suggested, it's probably not a bad idea to see someone to help you through this. Another death can reopen old wounds.
     
  5. kirbycat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2012
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan, USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Hey midwestgirl. I know exactly what you're talking about. Like you, I was introduced to death at a rather young age - my mom passed away when I was 9. Since then, I've often found myself playing out the same kind of scenarios you described, with my dad, siblings, close friends, etc. It's gotten better over the years, but those feelings and mental images do come up from time to time, often when I'm developing a friendship with someone new.

    Like climbingivy said, there's no "normal" response to death, but I do think, when you experience a lot of death (especially early in life), it's not unnatural to start filtering relationships through the expectation that those people will one day be gone as well, which can lead to feeling detached from others. For me, I've been able to recognize the mental process causing these feelings ("this person may be taken from me someday, if I process that reality now it'll be easier to handle if/when it happens"), and am able to cope with it. However, if you've been experiencing this for a long time and it's never getting better, or if it's enough of a distraction that you're struggling to maintain healthy relationships - and it sounds like this could be the case for you - then I absolutely suggest seeing a doctor or therapist. If you're not sure, then it's ALWAYS better to seek help.

    (*hug*) Hang in there, sister. It's normal, and GOOD, to grieve, but life shouldn't revolve around death. And you clearly know that! And that's a great first step in the right direction! :thumbsup:
     
    #5 kirbycat, Jan 15, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2012
  6. midwestgirl89

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2011
    Messages:
    1,101
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Indiana
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks kirby, breaking, climbing, and Chandra for your replies. (*hug*)

    I don't always have a fixation on death. Just the cat thing reminded me again. I was depressed for about 4 years because of it but now I'm doing better for the most part. Chandra, I've sometimes wondered if I have OCD or something similar to that. Throughout the years however I have played scenarios in my head of people dying. Kirbycat, I'm really sorry about your mom. That's really hard. I also picture myself having those kinds of scenarios happen.

    When I was 10 my stepdad died and then a month later I said to my mom "Mommy, someone is going to die. I just know it." And the next day, my grandma died. I had like death ESP. At 16, my grandma who kinda raised me died and I said to myself "Someone else is going to die" and the next week another family member died. That year 4 close family members died. So I think some of my fears have been reinforced by actual deaths.

    I'm not sure if I have experienced a lot of death at a young age. It's relative depending on who I'm comparing myself to. I guess I may have though since funeral homes became like a second home for a while. Hmm idk. It's almost as if I can't believe it's real when someone dies. Like you said kirbycat, it's like you are detached from your own body.

    I don't necessarily think I've pulled away from people completely, I just think I am less willing to get close to people at times. I might talk to my counselor about this.
     
  7. breakingboxes

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2011
    Messages:
    128
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    USA
    You really should talk to your counselor. that might really help. xoxo
     
  8. kirbycat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2012
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan, USA
    Gender:
    Female
    From a numbers perspective, you may not feel like you've experienced a lot of death (compared to, say, a war survivor or someone living in a violence-ridden inner city neighborhood). Even the death of just one person you love will affect you. I think circumstances is a much bigger factor than numbers - i.e. are these deaths from natural old age, or are they young, tragic deaths from accidents, disease, etc? Obviously the latter can be much harder to cope with.

    Definitely talk to your counselor about this. Even if you just end up needing a couple serious sessions to talk it through, that's far better than trying to face it on your own. Feeling alone only makes it that much harder to deal with death, and obviously, it's something we ALL have to deal with!
     
  9. midwestgirl89

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2011
    Messages:
    1,101
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Indiana
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks kirbycat. I've been to over 20 funerals/funeral home showings. About 10 of the family members I was close to. Also one of the most annoying parts of death is that families fall apart so you lose the living as well. With animals, there have been a lot of deaths (over 10) which is normal and expected but still is really sad. I had to watch one of my dogs die while they put the needle in him.

    Most of the deaths were not expected for me even if they were older. Many went in the hospital and then died a couple days later. My stepdad was the most shocking because he was 55 and went into the hospital and then a week later he died after becoming brain dead. I didn't get to say goodbye or that I loved him or anything. He was the best dad I've ever had & I looked up to him. I've never experienced the death of someone that was really young but it still was tough.

    ---------- Post added 16th Jan 2012 at 03:45 PM ----------

    He was supposed to come out of the hospital on the 19th and was doing great. They were about to release him and then he randomly had heart problems and then died 2 days later. So it was shocking.
     
  10. kirbycat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2012
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan, USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Girl, I'm so sorry about your stepdad. (*hug*) It really is one of the worst things in the world, isn't it? With my mom, it was cancer, so her death wasn't unexpected...she'd gone into the hospital after taking a slight turn for the worse, and seemed to be doing a little better; then all of a sudden she went downhill and was gone within a day. She was only 40. I was able to see her before she passed, and was old enough to understand what was happening, but I wasn't expecting her to actually die that same day. I totally understand that feeling of guilt about not being able to say everything you wanted to in time. In a way, I miss her more now than I did at the time; now that I'm an adult, I have a better understanding of everything I missed in losing the chance to grow up with her and get to know her as a full person, not just my mom. I do have a wonderful stepmom, but of course it's never the same.

    A friend once shared with me an idea about death that's helped me a lot. Her belief is that when you share a part of your life with someone, even for a short time, then a piece of their being actually, physically, becomes a part of you. Like the memory of that person's character and goodness that you hold onto actually has a physical element to it, in your heart/brain/spleen/wherever such a thing might reside. So the people you lose are never totally gone, emotionally, spiritually - or physically. A piece of them stays inside you as a source of love, wisdom, and courage. And then when you have children, you pass along those bits of your loved ones to them...so the people who have gone before us continue to physically live on for generations. I don't know if I'm really doing the idea justice here...but I think it's a beautiful thought. That we physically carry inside us the people we love, and they're always there as a guiding presence. That we're all, in that small sense, immortal. Thinking about things in this light has helped me feel a lot closer to my mom and other people I've lost...and to the world as a whole.

    It's a really positive way to think about death, and a lot nicer than imagining someone dying and growing cold in the ground. Maybe, whenever you find one of those scenarios playing in your head, or whenever you feel particularly disconnected from other people, you could try fighting it by focusing on this idea. Think about your mom, sister, best friend, whoever; focus on their character, the things you've learned from them and shared with them, and picture a place in your body where that goodness can physically reside - the corner of your liver, an unused wrinkle in your brain - that you can access any time, to continue learning from them, loving them, and having a relationship with them, even after they die.

    Oh, and I've never lost a pet, but I bet the theory can apply to animals too :icon_wink.
     
  11. midwestgirl89

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2011
    Messages:
    1,101
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Indiana
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    (*hug*) aww I'm so sorry about your mom too. It really is the worse thing ever. Whether it's unexpected or expected, it's still really difficult. I agree that's it hard to think of the things he/she will miss now. I often wish my stepdad was here so that he could see me graduate from college or so I could've come out to him, etc. (*hug*) You're a really good person.

    I really really like what you said about the family member being a part of you still. Kinda made me tear up in a good way. It reminds me of this song that I listened to a couple years after my stepdad died and still listen to today. It's called "I'm Already There" by Lonestar. I don't know if it's supposed to be about death but it always comforted me some because it talks about how even when he (the singer) is thousands of miles away, he is still with his kids and wife. Im already there-Lonestar - YouTube

    I'll try to talk to think about it in that way more.

    Sometimes it is like you can feel the person with you when you think of memories and moments you've shared with them. One thing that bothers me is whether or not I will ever see my loved ones again. I think that the finality of certain things scares me and makes me feel a little more numb toward death. I'm not Christian and I do worry if I can see my stepdad, animals, and other loved ones again because 1. I'm gay and 2. I don't really "get" religion even though I would like to believe there is an afterlife. I don't worry about that too much, it's just another thing with death that I haven't yet come to understand. I do think gay people can go to Heaven but at the same time I'm not sure about that either because of what other people have told me.

    Thank you so much for your advice.
     
  12. kirbycat

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2012
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan, USA
    Gender:
    Female
    I'm a Christian, but my understanding of heaven and hell is not that black & white at all. And I hardly think Jesus' main goal was to teach people to throw the fear of eternal damnation at each other over a choice list of sins, or "sins"...but that's a different discussion. Anyway, the idea that you can't get to heaven simply because you're gay is, in my opinion, completely unfounded. Anyone who tells you differently is either 1. misinterpreting the Bible; 2. is listening to bad teaching; or 3. is just plain homophobic and mean. I think even most Christians who say homosexuality is a sin don't actually believe gay people will go to hell simply for being gay.

    As for worrying about seeing your loved ones again after death, I'm not sure what to tell you because I don't really know what I believe about this myself. But I choose not to worry about it, because how can anyone really know for sure? Better to focus on enjoying the relationships I have here and now, and worry about the afterlife if/when it comes.
     
  13. midwestgirl89

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2011
    Messages:
    1,101
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Indiana
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks, that is really comforting. It's good to hear from someone that is religious. (*hug*) Yeah, I guess living life now is what is most important. Living in the moment and all. I need to work on that more.