I don't know what I am doing here

Re: I don

first of all, no offense taken at all. what i will tell you is that you haven't lost all direction at all. look at it this way, you are still the same person you were before, with likes, dislikes, personality quirks, passions and goals; you've just come across something unexpected that you're now wondering about. you are still the dynamic individual you were before. as for noticing girls all over the place, when i was considering buying a particular car, i saw it everywhere lol. plus if i said don't think of a pink elephant, you'd probably pretty quick think of one. i'm all for taking time with these things. you are still you and your sexuality is one element of that, so you don't have to put yourself in a box. i'm also one for talking out stuff, i think the more i'm open with people about how i feel and don't put labels on it, it kind of starts working itself out. rest, this is your journey and it's part of growing up. you'd be surprised how many people have the same considerations

 

Re: I don

Wow shfh! You and I must be the exact same person because that sounds exactly like me. I also never had any crushes on guys or girls throughout most of my high school career. I also got asked out on a date and figured well I guess I should since that is what I'm supposed to be doing. Then I did and I didn't enjoy it and ended it before it could go anywhere else. But I also didn't think anything of it. I also thought I just needed the right guy and that he'd come along someday. However, somehow, whenever I got asked out by guys, it felt weird. I didn't know what it was, but it didn't feel right either.. So I basically ended up never having a boyfriend and then that really made me start to wonder. Are you starting to see a resemblance in our stories here? Then my story continues basically as yours did. Where I started to notice girls more and then I had the grand realization that I was gay.

Now just because our stories are very similar doesn't mean that you're gay. You could also be bi, or be straight. Only you can figure that out. I can understand why you wouldn't want to be a lesbian. I still don't like that either and has caused me issues since I come from a religious family. I always used to rationalize well I'm not like lesbians so I can't be one of them. Or I don't understand gay people so I can't be like that. If you've been thinking like that, then don't. Don't rationalize it too much, because it's exhausting. Go with your feelings and emotions. Basically go with what's instinctual to you... Think about what it would be like to be with a girl and then with a guy and see how that feels. Check out both girls and guys. That's what I did when I was working it all out. It might give you some clarity.

Well, hoped that help. If you want to talk or anything feel free to message me. Everyone here is super friendly so don't hesitate to post your concerns! Oh and welcome to EC!

 

wow, dreamcatcher, you always have such insightful posts

 

lol thanks sunsetting. I try my best since everyone here has given me such great advice.

 

I spent all of my life (57 Years) denying who I was to others, please don't do what I did. You will not be happy. Just love yourself and be who you are. Don't let others tell you who you should be. I'm so happy you are here at EC. I hope you can figure out who you truly are. Don't fight the feelings just because society tells you its not right. Go with your heart. Love who you feel like loving.

 

Welcome to EC!

I can semi-relate to your post. All through high school, I didn't find any girls attractive, and I wondered why that was. It wasn't until I actively tried looking at guys instead that my brain sort of finally put the pieces together.

Is it possible you're straight but just haven't met the right guy yet? I guess anything's possible. But it sounds like right now, it's girls that are doing it for you. So why not just run with that for awhile? You don't have to "declare" your sexuality, or even date anybody if you don't want to just yet. Just enjoy the view, and fantasize all you want.

Lex

 

Oh man, you sound a lot like me. I didn't date in high school--I wasn't interested, and I wasn't all that mature, either--and now I'm in college and still not dating because I'm "figuring things out." The thing is, exploring your sexuality kind of sucks sometimes. It's hard, it's confusing, and it's long; you play mind games with yourself that go in circles for what seems like an eternity.

I think we tell ourselves "I don't want to be gay" not because there's anything wrong with being gay, but because it's about you and you have to deal with it in a such direct way. Your identity is shaken up and it's scary to think that you could be different than how you've always envisioned yourself. That's how it was for me. It was okay to be gay--for everyone else but me. I could not be a lesbian, no, it just wasn't me, because I was straight, and I was going to live my life like it was expected of me as a woman, with the whole getting married to a man and having children and living happily ever after. But then life happened, and I found out I wasn't as straight and narrow as I thought, even if I didn't know to what degree I wasn't straight--I'm still not sure.

All I know is that I started noticing men more, because unconsciously I was always looking at women and not men, so I forced myself to look at men. That threw me for a loop! I wanted to notice men to prove to myself that I was straight, I think, and I still do it now... I'm afraid of being gay--not only because it changes my perception of myself, but also because it means that I am going to fall out of the societally acceptable heterosexual norm, which is so, so scary. But if you're gay--well, you can't pray away the gay. Take some time to figure it out--you have all the time in the world to come to terms with the fact that it's okay to be gay, if that is what you are. I know I'm still coming to terms with it.

And even if you turn out to be straight--you're still getting to know yourself by going through the process of questioning yourself.

 

High school was the same for me as well. I didn't like any guy on my own; all my "crushes" were influenced by my friends. I wanted a boyfriend only because my friends had boyfriends. I did notice girls but I would tell myself not to think of them "that way."
It wasn't until I began to talk to bisexual and lesbian females that I accepted I was attracted to girls. I didn't want to be a lesbian so I told myself I was bisexual. I wanted to hold out hope that I would eventually meet the right guy and maybe "get over it."
It took me a few encounters with men (a couple not so good) to realize I was gay. I finally accepted myself last year and it was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I am, for the first time in years, happy with myself.

I wish you the best of luck in finding yourself. (*hug*)

 

Hey I was exactly like you, I always wondered when I would hit puberty and actually become interested in guys, until I got to about 26 and then I suddenly realised I was gay. So dont worry your story is not that uncommon and neither is it uncommon to not want to be gay, I dont think there are that many people that actually all through the process want to be gay, but there are however lots of people that once they have accepted themselves and come out, then love being gay and are proud of being gay so dont panic, EC is a great place to seek help and support.

 

... Yet a mere thought that you might not be straight "taught" you things about same-sex attraction those years didn't in regards to the opposite sex, like how to notice and be "turned on" by sexually attractive people. Because they're not really learned skills. They simply are there.

What you really learned is a set of opinions and value judgements, that, if examined closely, makes precisely zero sense, even for straights.

Look at it this way: In all probability, and sorry if I'm wrong, you, like overwhelming majority of people, have two hands. You don't "learn" to have them, you don't expect to work hard to keep them, you don't expect any rewards and special kind of happiness from the fact. Meeting an occasional one-handed person doesn't fill you with a mix of fear, prurient interest and loathing. With compassion and willingness to make their life easier, - maybe. But not with "am I really one-handed, no of course I'm not, what a silly thought, I wonder what it's like, it's probably disgusting, DISGUSTING!.. maybe." emotional storm.

Now think of that perfect straight romance where you lose virginity to Mr. Right, and are with him till death does you part, and are always a perfect couple, and so on, so forth, you know the drill. If we ask an average person on the street they'd say such a couple have a life that is considered "normal." But this is fundamentally different kind of "normal," - it's not "normal" because most people obviously are like that! It's "normal" precisely because they aren't. Everyone knows that this kind of life, although not unheard of, isn't what an overwhelming majority of people experiences. It, however, is supposedly uniquely happy and worthwhile kind of life.

So a set of complicated strategies is built to help one achieve this alleged unique state of happiness and worth. A huge propaganda machine works 24/7 to show all the happiness that awaits the faithful and all the misery transgressors experience. And if unique happiness wasn't enough of a lure, worldly benefits are heaped on a percentage of "winners" who either achieved or convincingly faked this state, including the ability to "get away with" some of the very things that supposedly disqualify you from this game in society's eyes. And everything in society's power is done to make "loser's" life as difficult as possible.

And yet... Some people just don't find this particular game fun. Being gay is an obvious reason, but there are others. Are these people indeed worthless failures? No, they aren't, not any more than I'm not a failure for not participating in the Olympics track-and-field team. Yes, an athlete who finished last failed at his goal, but someone not even on the Olympics team? Come on.

Now, does winning this game of heteronormativity indeed bring you something utterly unachievable by any other means? No it doesn't. Just ask around, - there are millions of people who are happy yet do not play this particular game. They may play others, including variations on that "quest for eternal love and nice house" one, or be totally "queer" and avoid anything that even looks like it (also a game, and equally silly, but it's fun for those so inclined.)

Is forcing everyone to play this particular game The Only Way To Ensure Humankind Survival And Prosperity? Look around, - it isn't. Some kind of it might be (although I doubt it), but this particular game is not unique, it's not justified by the way our animal ancestors behave*, it's not justified by what other very successful and prosperous cultures do now and/or did in the past, and the fact that most people fail at this game anyway, yet civilization doesn't crumble, makes one at least somewhat wary of its real value.

So, yes, you wasted some time in learning the rules of a game you don't want to play. Don't throw the good money after bad, and don't pretend you're into it just to please someone else. Learn something that would really interests you and may bring you happiness. Don't settle for being a zombie, be a human being.

... OMG... Sorry for producing a Mother of All Teal Deer of a post... Hope no one fell asleep. :sleep:




*(Darwin, when he speculated about evolutionary value of "female coyness," had at least a double excuse of neither being much of a ladies' man nor being armed with evolutionary landscape theory, genetics and other achievements of modern evolutionists. His modern "followers" have neither. But that's a wholly separate rant.)

 

That's pretty much how I experienced it. A few weeks of a constant freakout and feeling you're a teenager again, and not in a good way, silly panics, an increased need for privacy and reflection (What it was going on during holidays helped in some regards.) Urge to learn "how to be bisexual" up to a point of literally typing it into a Google search, I'm not sure but I think it's how I found EC. I'm still somewhat in that state, but it got better.

No, although some fortunate souls knew they weren't straight and which way exactly they weren't from an early age, a period of questioning you (or I) experience isn't some kind of unusual experience, it's why there is Q in LGBTQ.

Whether you need to label yourself, - I don't know, although ECs collective wisdom says you don't, I find that being able to just call myself something definite, if only in my mind, is helpful, in a "No, I'm not supposed to suppress my queer thoughts and feelings, I'm not straight, I'm a bisexual" way.

Whether to tell anyone, - well, there are strong arguments for and against, but no, you don't have to tell this to anyone you don't think would be better off knowing. There are certain people (like your love interests) who absolutely NEED to know, mind you, but your parents and friends aren't among them, at least not just yet.

And if you were a gay rights supporter before (like I was) you may feel a bit weirded out when you try to play that "I'm straight, but I see nothing wrong with people loving whom they want" card and realize you can't. My personal solution was to just stay relatively quiet for a while and learn how this activism thing works from my "new" side, what sort of arguments work, when to argue and when to ignore, and so on. Although, fire-and-brimstone preaching lost a great practitioner when I was born what I am, and this sometimes shows anyway, like in the above post.

Whoever you are, you're never alone in this world. There are people who are like you, who like you, and who would like to help.

 

There's no need, not until you're sure, to talk to anyone about it. I mean, it might help, but sometimes, it also... doesn't. I don't know. I told my best friend (who is gay himself) about my confusion, confessing it all while drunk because I couldn't bear to say it sober, and now I still can't talk about it because I'm still scared and ashamed. I mean... we talked, a lot, a ridiculous amount even, and it felt good to get it out, but since then, I've gone back into my shell, in a sense. I still don't want to talk about it sober. Like... the other day he was talking about me joining the GLBTQ club at my school when we go back from winter break and I was all like yeahhh. Okay. :icon_redf I felt so awkward. I'm starting to think it was a bad idea of mine to confess while half-drunk at a gay bar. :bang: Whenever he brings up the subject I just want to run the other way. I'm still so scared of it.

Although, to be honest, talking about it has made me less confused; saying it out loud has helped me formulate my thoughts a little more and become more confident in myself. I told my best friend I saw no need to label my sexuality quite yet (I identify as a pomosexual at the moment :lol but that I definitely had a preference. Talking about it made it a little bit easier to come to terms with personally, even if I went back into my shell afterwards; I was able to figure something out that night about myself that I might not have alone. I would advise you to go with how you feel, but if you're still confused, you might want to give yourself a little more time to accept yourself. Talking about it definitely helps you figure things out, though.