First Lesbian Relationship, Fears and Doubts

So growing up I had a few girlfriends but was only going through the motions, trying to be a normal guy. At age 19 I finally admitted to myself that it was men I was really attracted to and I started having boyfriends.

Fast forward a few years and a few relationships with guys later, and I transitioned from male to female, not being able to live in a guy's body any more. It was absolutely the right decision, and for a long time now I've lived as female and not many people outside my family know that I was ever any different. I've been very lucky with my body development and being able to afford the procedures I needed, and I look pretty natural for a woman my age.

For the last year and a half I have been in a relationship with a man who I have loved dearly, but who ultimately I am just not compatible with as a life partner. This guy is REALLY into lesbians, he loves women, full-stop, and the idea of women with women really turns him on. I had never really thought much about lesbianism before, so it was interesting that when he introduced me to lesbian porn, I found myself actually a little turned on (straight porn and gay porn - anything with a penis in it, grosses me out, it's just too confronting for me).

My guy wasn't really a big believer in monogamy but had committed to being monogamous with me (because I had never been any other way and wasn't interested in an open relationship when I met him). After a year together, sort of knowing we weren't going to be together forever, I suggested we try opening things up - something new for me. I even decided I'd try dating a girl, as a girl - just for fun, and because I knew he'd really be into it. Maybe it would even turn into a threesome, which I knew was a big fantasy of his.

So I got onto a website and started talking to this girl who was 6 months out of a marriage to a man and wanted to experiment with women as well, having dated a few before she got married, and having left her husband because she was pretty sure she was gay.

We met for a first date at a coffee shop and talked for 4 hours solid. I just had an amazing connection with her. We had agreed not to do anything physical on the first date since we were both nervous, but I could tell she wanted to kiss at the end of it. We talked a lot online and via text message over the next week while she was away at a conference, and when she came back, we had our second date. I thought we got along so well that it was unlikely we'd have any chemistry, but I hoped we'd stay good friends.

Well I was wrong, the chemistry was intense from the first kiss. And then came the sex... which was SO much better than anything else I'd experienced - I'd never felt so connected to someone or so free and turned on. Within two months I was hopelessly in love with her.

My boyfriend finally *believed* that I had serious feelings for her (I'd been telling him all along but he just never took it seriously, thinking, like *I* did before I'd met her, that I could never really fall in love with a woman). I knew I had to choose between them, I couldn't keep on seeing her and falling more and more while living with and being in a relationship with him... I was actually starting to dread sex with him. So in bed one morning I finally told her I was trans, that I was born male, thinking that that would make her break it off with me and take the decision out of my hands.

She wouldn't believe me at first, but when she realised I was serious, she was fine with it almost straight away. She had a few questions, but when that was done she still loved me and thought of me in the same way. So I broke up with my boyfriend.

The thing is, I can see myself with her *forever*, living together, raising a child, being around each other's families, I really love her. We can talk for hours, we can make love for hours without ever getting sick of it or feeling over it, her touch is electric to me. I like just being in the same room with her.

But I'm freaking out. I mean, first I was a straight guy, then a gay guy, then a straight woman, now a bi woman (I still find men really attractive, I know I always will). My family and friends understood me becoming a woman and being attracted to men - that made sense to them based on how I was - I just don't know how to explain to my family and old friends that I'm in love with a woman now. I feel like a complete joke, like I must treat sexuality and gender like they're fashion statements, to be changed like you change your hairstyle.

And I'm frightened of what it means to be with a woman for the rest of my life. We can't get married, if she has a baby I'll have no legal rights should something happen to her, I can't freely show physical affection for her in public without attracting attention (I HATE that - I am extremely touchy-feely and loved being able to hold hands and hug etc boyfriends in public as a woman), in mixed company I would feel like I could be making someone uncomfortable if I snuggled up to her... it feels like such a loss of freedom.

Sometimes I look at my ex having a nap (still living together until I can afford to move out) and look at his hairy broad chest and, I don't know, his general maleness, and think about how I'll never have that feeling of being held by someone much bigger and stronger than me, and I wonder if that will leave a real hole in my life.

I just wonder whether, even though I feel like she's The One, I should walk away, despite how much it would hurt to do that (I think it would take me months to recover). I'm so confused. My ex says to just let things happen and that I might find we only last a few months anyway, and then I can go back to dating men and being "normal" again, and that I'd never even need to tell my family. But I have a feeling this will last forever if I don't let my doubts freak me out.

How do you let go of things you wanted like a proper wedding, and that normalcy of being around others as just another straight couple? Do you ever get over missing those things?

 

I don't really have a choice I kind of realised after I posted. She texted me and I came over all warm and fuzzy. I'm just going through the motions of wrapping my head around the situation I think, and mourning the short period of my life where I finally got to "fit in". I could never leave her.

Not really but I feel like it was implied. Especially about only liking men - it was such a huge trauma for my parents when I first told them and it took years to make them accept it. Part of that was "I don't like women". I mean even now, I wouldn't say I'm more than bi - I'm still way attracted to men, and I could probably go the rest of my life without ever sleeping with a woman again if things don't work out with my girlfriend.

I suppose the difference now is, I can be with a woman without being forced into a masculine role - both socially and in bed (I would never have been able to have sex the way I do with her pre-transition). All the dysphoria has been taken away from the situation of being with a woman. She doesn't make me feel manly or less feminine.

That's brilliant, and you are dead right.