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I am a world class idiot.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by bucketheads, Jan 14, 2012.

  1. bucketheads

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    I was dating a guy for about two months. Our relationship was very private; he wanted to keep it a secret, because I was the only person he knew who was in the closet. Out of the blue, he was being a jerk to me consistently. I brushed it off because university has started up again. Though, I called him out and to ask him what was wrong. Turns out our feelings weren't exactly mutual. Which is fine, but it was a bit of a shock to me. Panic. I thought we were happy.

    I called up one of my closest friends because I wanted advice. I was in tears and freaked out. I told her about us. I wasn't sure if I should break it off all together, pause the relationship, etc.

    The next day, we met up to talk about everything. We mutually agreed to go on a break. Everything went well, no tears. It went so smoothly... But, I wanted to be honest and I told him that I had told her, and he took it the wrong way. He said he wanted some space from me and he was rather upset that I had betrayed his trust. I haven't talked to him as of yesterday since this whole mess has started.

    I wanted to reassure him that my friend would not tell anyone. But it makes me feel like a total hypocrite because I had told someone else out of my stupidity. I keep trying to rationalize the fact that they have no mutual friends and she has no reason to bring something up like that, but it is still not enough.

    It has progressed to a point where I don't think he wants to do anything with me, but what kills me inside is that I think he's going through this alone. I want to reach out to him, but I feel as though it is inappropriate.

    I take full responsibility for what I have done, and he understands that it was NOT my intention to out him. But he still cannot accept the fact that I broke a promise and I am absolutely disgusted with myself. He has now deleted me from Facebook and Twitter, which is very out of character of him, and now I am completely lost.

    I want to reach out to him and check up on him, but how long should I wait? We have class together, and I feel as though I should not sit close to him. What can I do? I want to talk to him, but obviously that is not the best solution right now. He needs his space, but I still care for him.
     
  2. AloneOutHere

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    First of all, give him some time. He probably just needs to get things through his head and really figure everything out. When he does seem to come around, explain yourself and what your motives were. Be 100% honest and tell him everything from A to B. After, it'll be up to him as to whether or not you two still have something. It's not gonna be easy and there isn't really any way around a tough conversation so just do your best and be honest.
     
  3. mnguy

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    Hey man, I'm sorry all this went down and I hope he'll let you reconcile with him. Your heart is in the right place being worried about him since he can't talk to anyone about this since he's not out. Can you contact him by email or call to let him know that you're concerned about him and are sorry for letting it slip to your friend? I hope this all turns out ok soon. (*hug*)
     
  4. bucketheads

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    Thanks for your advice so far. I am going to back off and let him have his space. I realize he probably doesn't want to hear from me any time soon and so I think I should let him contact me if he needs be...

    But do you think I should get the friend I told to about us to maybe try and reassure him? Not anytime soon, of course, but eventually. I want her to tell him that the secret is safe - I had only told her because I didn't know what to do and I wanted someone to talk to. She knows him but not very well. She has no reason to tell any one else and they don't have many mutual friends.

    Or is that just creating unnecessary drama by adding someone else in?
     
    #4 bucketheads, Jan 14, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2012
  5. Chip

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    You can also suggest that he come here :slight_smile: EC is a great place for people who are struggling with those sorts of feelings. (Welcome to EC, btw!)

    Ultimately, though, you shouldn't be hard on yourself. You were seeking advice from someone you trust. He's only freaked out because he's completely closeted and people in that place are really paranoid about *anyone* knowing.
     
  6. bucketheads

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    Is there any way I can reassure him that nobody else knows?

    Of course, I feel like a total hypocrite because I told him that his secret was safe with me, and I ended up telling someone else... But as I said before, she has no reason to bring something like this up to any one else, especially since they have no mutual friends.

    I think he's just pressed the panic button and exactly what you said, he's being paranoid. But I want to be there for him - somehow. I'll give him his space now, but eventually I would like to discuss this further and perhaps seek closure...
     
  7. Danny19

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    i think that you should look at my signature.. its not much advice. but its something i tell myself to feel a bit better...
     
  8. bucketheads

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    Thanks for everyone's advice so far.

    I've walked past him a couple of times on campus, and I know that I've darted away. I'm not sure how much space he wants. I know that he switched out of our classes and/or does not save a spot for me anymore.

    My biggest question is: What do you guys think I should say if I ever talk to him again?

    How long should I wait, too? I haven't heard from him since last Friday, when this all happened. I sent him a message on Monday saying that I respect his decision to want space while also making myself available if he needed someone to talk to. I am trying so hard not to call him because I want to give him space. But I want to know if he's okay or not...
     
  9. Gravity

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    To be honest, and I don't mean to dump on him, I wouldn't put too much effort into worrying about how he's handling things.

    I totally understand the feeling of wanting to reach out to someone and help them through a rough time - I've definitely been there, and reached out to help people that had no reason to expect it of me. Thing is, though, from the sound of it he wasn't all that nice to you in the first place (I don't see how school starting up is a valid reason to be angry with someone else for unconnected reasons), and if the feelings in your situation weren't mutual to begin with, it might be worthwhile to ask what his intentions for you were from the start.

    I would wait for him to approach you again. Even leaving all of this aside, if he actually feels that you betrayed some level of trust (again, I see no problem talking to someone about him whom he doesn't know at all), then he probably won't want to hear from you (or your friend - putting her in touch with him sounds like a bad idea). So, let him take as much time as he feels like he needs and see if he becomes interested in talking to you again...and, be prepared, for your own sake and emotional growth, for the possibility that he won't. Sometimes people don't want to be helped, and when that's the case, there's not a lot we can do.

    Sorry if this sounds harsh. Again, I've been exactly in your shoes and I had the same feelings you are having - just hoping to give you a different perspective on the situation. (*hug*)

    P.S. - Just to clarify, you are definitely not an idiot. :slight_smile: Or if you are, then I am too. :lol:
     
  10. bucketheads

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    I don't think you're being harsh at all. I really appreciate your input.

    It's just that we were best friends before we dated, which is why I'm finding it so difficult to endure this. I find everything he's doing right now so out of character.

    I guess another reason why I feel so persistent about keeping in touch with him is because the majority of this occurred over text message. I was planning to talk to him later about it after the initial shock - over the phone or in person - but I never got that chance because he more or less deleted me from everything. I wanted both of us to cool down before we could talk again. Text message can be so open ended at times and I think we both had some extreme miscommunication.

    Do you think it would be appropriate ask him to listen to me? Because I feel as though everything is a huge misunderstanding. I gave him the opportunity to talk to me if he needed to, but I feel as though I should be more forward in order to talk to him about everything that's happened.
     
  11. toremi

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    I can't really speak to this situation too much except for the fact that I am still quite closeted (accept for about reeeally two people who I have given enough information to that would be able to run with it). The problem with us is, and I am just speaking on my experiences solely, the thought of the secret getting out of our hands or who we select is terrifying.

    For me it is because I am not done figuring out yet; I am in a limbo and until I KNOW I don't want anyone else to know, or assume, or whatever.

    So I totally see where he is coming from; even though it is a good friend you know you can trust, he doesn't know he can trust her right? But in saying that the situation isn't fair to you either. Being in a situation like this and not having anyone to talk to because you are keeping someone elses secret is verry difficult. I couldn't imagine doing it myself, but yet I expect it of the people that I have let know.

    I just make sure to be upfront with them in the first place.

    What you did wasn't wrong and you are certainly not an idiot... but from his point of view right now, he probably does feel betrayed. Maybe with a little time he will realize it's not a huge deal. Hopefully this will be the case and things will work out for the best!
     
  12. bucketheads

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    While I appreciate everyone's guidance, it unfortunately ended today. He couldn't see past it.

    I have to be strong. I'll be okay. Thank you everyone.
     
  13. Gravity

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    Sorry to hear it - I really am.

    If nothing else, take comfort in the fact that letting him go on to make his own choices and, if need be, mistakes, is in its own way a form of respecting him and his needs. I'm sure you wish him the best, and I'm wishing the same for you. (*hug*)
     
  14. RedState

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    Well, I hate to give you a dose of reality...but things like this suck...and hey rarely ever work out.

    There is nothing wrong with telling a good friend about shit going down in your life...there is NO NEED to tell the person that you are interested in that you have spilled the beans to said person.

    Sorry. That was really dumb on your part....no way to sugar coat it, or paint over it in brighter colors...it was dumb. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT???

    But it has been my experience that things like this cool down a little.

    But the lesson learned is :"Keeep you big mouth fucking shut"

    Period.

    Next.
     
  15. bucketheads

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    While I respect your opinion, I disagree with you. I would rather be truthful and honest to someone I care about rather than lying. Sure, I could've easily witheld this information but I didn't feel as though he would react in such a negative manner. Do you think I would've told him had I knew he behave this way? Probably not. Either way, what's done is done.

    It may have been dumb on my part but what can I do? Obviously I have learned my lesson, but I think you could've chosen your words more tactfully. I don't feel as though your advice is constructive.