I'm a 17 year old male and I started to have a few crushes on celebrities a few years back, probably about 2 or 3 years ago actually. I didn't think anything of it because lots of my friends had crushes on celebrities of the same sex. But since about a year ago I realized that for me, it wasn't just celebrities it was starting to turn into normal people. I have never had a girlfriend but I have kissed 3 girls. I thought I'd always been attracted to girls, but then I started to question myself and think actually I might be bisexual. But since about a year ago, I started to get more interested into guys than girls... if you know what I mean (sorry I don't really want to get into detail this is very hard for me to open up so I'm trying to keep it clean and easy). I feel like I get more excited at boys than I do with girls. But I kind of guilty for having these thoughts, not that I'm homophobic, I just feel confused. I know when a girl is attractive but I don't think of it in a sexual way as much anymore. I think part of me has accepted that I might be gay, or bisexual but more interested into guys... I don't have a crush on a certain boy, but that might just be because I haven't found the right person yet. I have male friends but I much prefer hanging with girls. I also love action films but prefer romantic and comedy, I just feel like I'm quite different to most boys. My sister usually insults me by calling me gay, but today I had enough and said "Yes I am now shut up." I don't know why but I felt like I shouldn't be ashamed of who I am. She replied "Really?" and I replied "No, but stop calling me it." I then ate my food in silence. When my sister left the room my mum quietly asked me "Are you really? I don't care if you are, I still love you, but if you're not then you shouldn't say you are." I replied "I love you too, but I'm not gay." - I just want to point out I'm not homophobic or in denial I just didn't feel it was the right time. I'm starting college in a few months and I would rather start fresh open about my sexuality, if I know what it is. I know it's hard to judge over the internet, but do you think I'm gay? Has anybody ever been in the same situation as me? Thanks for the help
Hi, and welcome to EC. First, a lot of people -- probably most of the people on EC -- have been in the same situation you are. And the process of exploring the possibility that you might be gay is, itself, a pretty scary proposition for most of us when we first start. As you've pointed out, even though it isn't anything to be ashamed of, society still sends messages to the contrary and all of us take some of that in, so when it comes to asking ourselves, there's a big part of us that hopes the answer is "no." In your case, it seems pretty likely that you are gay. I realize you're trying to avoid detail, but the way you can best answer the question is by looking first at the broad stroke of who do you look at and find attractive. And you seem to be saying that you look at boys more than girls. Then, you can look at who you're fantasizing about when you masturbate. If that's also mostly guys, then you pretty clearly have your answer. That might not be what you want to hear. And it's not 100% cut and dried, but most of the time, those two factors will give you a pretty good idea of where your attractions lie. The other things -- preferring romantic comedies, preferring hanging with girls -- don't guarantee you're gay, and they are somewhat stereotypical, but the truth is, those stereotypes do fit a lot more gay guys than straight guys, so add those to the mix, and it seems like the answer is heading in the direction that you're gay. The really good news is, your mom probably already suspected; her response was so completely kind and loving and supportive that if you decide you are gay and want to come out, it's already clear that she won't have a problem with it. I do think it's a great thing to start college being out. College is a time to reinvent yourself and find yourself, and you don't really have to worry about what your high school friends thought, so you're being smart by thinking ahead. I hope you'll stick around EC and continue to contribute here. It's a friendly community and you'll find a lot of good people and helpful information here
In addition to what Chip said, I want to mention that it's okay not to be sure. You don't necessarily have to wait until you are completely certain before talking to anyone about it. Talking about it with someone supportive can really help you sort through things sometimes. Your mom sounds really supportive, and I think she would probably really like to help you. When you are still questioning, and you haven't fully accepted it yourself, it can be really uncomfortable to even think about telling anyone. Don't feel bad about telling your mom you aren't gay--it's okay not to be ready yet. But just keep in mind for when you do want to talk to someone that she made sure to let you know she'll be supportive. So many gay kids are totally without support from the adults in their lives, I just want to encourage you to take advantage of it. I'm sure she'll be supportive of your questioning as well, and just having someone close to you who you can talk to about what you're going through makes a big difference in being able to accept yourself.
Hey there jb! I'm in sort of this same situation myself (as Chip said many of us would be!) but I've had a bit more time to work things out. Actually come to tihnk of it, your more or less right where I was at 4 years ago when I was 17. Sorry if I sound like an old man :lol: In my case, I strongly suspected that I was attracted to guys through senior year of high school, then met an amazing girl who I dated for the last two and a half years and only recently reconsidered that I might actually be more interested in guys (tho I dont know if that was my main reason for ending the relationship or not). Its sounds possible that your bi, but the fact that youve enjoyed kissing girls doesnt necessarily mean your not gay. Lots of guys spend many more years than I did in a relationship with the opposite gender - going through the motions and often enjoying it - before realizing. As I'm in college now I can tell you everyone I know at school who Ive told has been accepting (tho Ive been selective in telling), but this depends on the school of course. As youve gotten a great signal of support from your mother, it sounds like you might live in a similarly liberal area, so finding acceptance shouldnt be overwhelmingly hard. There is also usually some sort of Alliance group where you can make friends and get advice (as great as this place is, talking in person is important sometimes). Anywho, good luck! With college, family, friends, and sorting things out for yourself!
JB, i too am currently in the same boat with what you have shared here. I am confused as to what my sexuality is, as i have (to use your words) started to get more interested into guys than girls. Im not sure on what your choice is with the whole 'staying in the closet', but i have personally decided to keep it to myself till i come across that certain guy and experience what being 100% gay is like. Im starting my first year of University and plan to move out of home soon, so hopefully this will make it easier with working myself out. Just thought idshare my story, incase it helped
