Okay I don't get approach. And by that I mean how to approach someone in the proper way. I never got it with girls before and I don't get it with guys either. I lack confidence in a huge way; but I am totally okay with it. But apparently confident is what you need to be to rope people? So does that mean I need to get confident or fake confidence? The latter is more likely. But in all honesty.. I met someone who is pretty cool -- we have had basic conversations now through like fbook -- I have a peaked interest. I'm not in love, I'm not even in like -- I would just like to get together in person and see if hey, maybe we could glide. But I find I always screw up the approach from the beginning. I think I go to weak with it, an example of what I think I could say is like "Maybe we could meet for a coffee or something sometime if you wanted, just thought I would offer?" Should I be more direct? Less direct... do I let them know I have a peaked interest... do I stand on my head. I suck at this stuff and I want to be better at it. No matter what I try it just never seems to work... Any advice from the peanut gallery or people who might be good at this?
Well it kind of depends. Are you out? Do you know if he is gay/bi? I mean, I think honesty is the best policy. Just be up front and tell him you'd like to hang out sometime. Ask if he wants to do something sometime. The worst that happens is he says no, and really you aren't any worse off than you were before.
Well... I am not out and he isn't exactly out either -- him in more ways than me, a couple people know. We kinda met through the fact that we are both in similar situation with orientation and out-status etc. I would like to have him as a friend but I would also like to see if there could be anything else there... because of any guy I have met as of recent he seems the most my type. I don't know -- I feel like it is early to ask but then again I feel like if you wait too long it doesn't work either. I guess I will just take the forward approach and see where it lands me -- problem is I could see it going two ways; good and he will be like yeah, lets chill and then we can get to know one another better or it will be too soon and it will send him running for the hills, haha. Here's a hoping -- I could use another friend at the very least haha
Confidence is not the issue the best policy is just to be yourself you'll find someone who like that person. I agree with snow honesty works best and also ask simple if they want to hang out.
Keep it short dude. Just say something like: "We should go out for a coffee sometime." Don't worry about scaring him off with something like this, it's simple and you let him decide. If he says yes then try to schedule something. Good luck! Know you can do it!
And of course I regret it now. The plunge was taken and no action was returned -- not even the usual chit-chat... so I would say I definitely sent him running for the hills. I think sometimes once you put the notion out there it becomes to awkward. I didn't make it forceful just a, "grad a coffee sometime if your not busy" but I think for some if they aren't interested they would rather just avoid saying and continuing as normal -- than writing back. boo... oh well I tried. I need to try and make friends somehow and that's really the only way.
This screams low self esteem. let me show you why.. "Maybe we could..." you start off with doubt and uncertainty and like you are preparing for rejection. this does not sound confident. "coffee or something sometime"....you are not sure about this either..something, sometime is not definite, it's not clear, and it allows someone to easily back out or not respond. "if you wanted"..... again, you are practically saying, "i know i'm not worthy of you, but maybe you might throw me a bone". "just thought i would offer".... again, it almost sounds as now you are apologizing for asking teh person to hang. now in these situtations i do not know if you know the guy is gay or straight or if you are wondering if he is gay or straight and hoping me might be gay. but you need to sound more confident. the person will decide whether he wants to go out with you or not. you can't control that and nothing you can do will be able to force him to go. but you can turn someone off if you seem like you are not confident. here's a better way to ask... hey (insert bro, man, or just say hey), let me know if you're free to grab some coffee or drinks this sat. it is very definitive, short, sweet and confident. you are not beggin, you are not really asking, you are TELLING. people like that. even if the guy is more dominant than you, he will get off on the fact of dominanting your seemingly dominant nature. also, it makes it easy to reply. the person can say yes or no without them feeling like you are going to go into a depression. the earlier email sounded like that. if the person says, "busy this weekend". then just say, "ok cool. another time". and do not ask them out again. if they do not respond, then do not ask them out again. people like guys that are direct and confident. also, you sounded really clingy on the first message, the suggested message i sent sounds like you are ok whether he says yes or no. ---------- Post added 16th Jan 2012 at 04:25 PM ---------- ok, so he didn't respond. so what. who needs him. yes you need friends but here's what i learned.... 1. trying to be someone you aren't doesn't work. eventually the real you shines thru so if they do not like you now, they aren't going to like you later. 2. be yourself. you do not need to be a walking billboard for confidence but know your worth. stop staying stuff like "if you're not busy". although you are being respective of his time, it sounds like you're already giving him an ez out and it doesn't sound confident or that you feel highly of yourself. if you do not feel highly of yourself, no one else is. the bottom line is if he is busy or not, who gives a f&ck. you are asking him out. if he is busy he will tell you or not respond, you do not have to preface it with that. think of it like this.. i think this may help you see how you should behave...imagine you go to a mall and you are looking for a new outfit. you go into the store and the salesperson looks shy to come over to you and say hi. you start looking at clothes, finally they come over and they sheepishly say, "um excuse me, i mean, i know you are looking at clothes and i'm not sure if you have a few seconds but maybe if you're not too busy do you think i can invite you over to see our sales rack or something else in the store. i just thought i would ask because i thought maybe you might be interested"....... most people are going to say "ok, um, i'll check it out later. thanks. Just looking" and they are goign to blow off the salesperson. that is why when you go to a store, what happens when you first walk in? some sales person says: "hi, we have some great deals in the back area.everything is 20% off. my name is Mark. Let me know if you need some help." and they smile confidently back at you. See the difference? Even though you may not need anything teh second you have a question, who do you go to....You go looking to find Mark and you end up buying all this stuff you probably would not have bought if he came over to you like the first guy. My point is, dating, and getting to know people is kinda like this example. yes, you can be yourself and i encourage you to do that, but be the BEST self you can be. Be the SELF that you would be drawn to.
Well.... it is quite possible I jumped to conclusions on the "not returning the message" since I received a reply today. Although he didn't indicate a positive "yes" or "no" it is in discussions, haha. Which in my opinion is better than nothing. @insidehappy I know exactly what you are saying -- I have been told this before, that my approach is too lack luster. As in I don't make it seem appealing at all! Actually like the first guy who I ever approached in this manner, which was just like four months ago, told me straight up. I asked him to hang out in that sort of manner and he replied with. "Oooh that sounds REAL inviting" haha, he is a friend now. He is extremely honest, that's when I kinda realized my approach was shotty at best. So going forward I will take your suggestions -- be more forward I guess, more direct? I don't know I guess we will see where it goes
