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I can't accept being gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by kellymporta, Jan 15, 2012.

  1. kellymporta

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    Although being gay seems to explain a lot of things in my life, I can't accept being gay because I don't feel gay most of the time. The reason I don't feel gay is that I do have certain attractions towards girls.

    For example, lets suppose I was walking around a beach and you told me to keep track of all the people I find attractive. By the end of the day, I'm completely sure I would have chosen a lot more girls than guys. Probably I would have chosen 10 attractive girls for each attractive guy. Now suppose you told me to choose from all the people I found attractive only the people I would consider as a possible sexual partner. Here is where the problem arises. If you told me that I would probably choose most of the guys and maybe a girl or two.

    So that's my problem. It's like if I'm only gay when I'm turned on down there. So how can I be comfortable with myself?

    I can't identify as straight because I like guys.
    I can't identify as bisexual because when it comes to sexual thoughts I'm thinking only on guys.
    I can't identify as gay because when I'm not horny I think girls are better looking than guys.
     
  2. I'm not too sure if being able to judge females disqualifies you as being gay.
     
  3. jlg65

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    A person can see beauty everywhere. You don't have to be gay to find a guy attractive and you don't have to be straight to see that a girl is beautiful. You could still be bi or gay but it sounds like being purely straight is not for you.
     
  4. Ianthe

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    Straight women also usually think that women are objectively "more attractive." It's because we use the word "attractive" to mean "beautiful."

    Sexual orientation is not about who you think is beautiful, it's about who you want to be with romantically or sexually. You are not necessarily attracted to everyone you think is beautiful.
     
  5. kellymporta

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    Well, most people here at EC have told me that I sound gay and when I think about it I do behave as a gay guy. The thing I wanted to point out (maybe it wasn't clear in my original post) is that somehow I don't feel bisexual or gay (but I'm also sure that I'm not straight). It's like if I don't fit anywhere.
     
  6. Chip

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    Reread the last 300 post thread where you raise pretty much the same points and other people address them, and you respond back.

    When you look at the entire picture (meaning, your entire posting history at EC), it's pretty clear you're gay. I normally don't say that with such confidence, but I think it's pretty clear in this case.

    There are lots and lots of gay guys who find certain girls beautiful. They just don't find them sexually appealling. I find certain types of artwork breathtakingly beautiful. It doesn't mean i'm in love with and want to have sex with a painting... and it's the same thing here.

    I think the issue is you aren't comfortable *accepting* that you're gay. It's not that you don't fit in, it's that you're finding rationalizations to justify why you think you don't.

    I know it's hard to accept this but the evidence is pretty overwhelming for you if you go back and look at the previous threads you've made.
     
  7. kellymporta

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    The thing is, there is a possibility for me to travel in a couple of months to a foreign country (a country which is very pro-lgbt). So I was thinking of maybe being completely honest with the people I meet there (of course I'm not sure of this either since I'm already used to living in the closet). The problem is that if I'm doubting myself, how can I tell other people how I feel? Should I just tell them, "I'm not straight".
     
  8. I think telling them that you're "not straight" is a bit ambiguous. People are more interested in knowing what you are, rather than what you're not. I think you'd be safe telling people that you're gay, or at least that you like men.
     
  9. AloneOutHere

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    I can pick out a hot chick too but like you, I'm 0% attracted to them. I like guys. I know what girls are "hot" and what guys are hot. But i like guys. You can be gay and still check out girls.. just don't be too misleading.
     
  10. Zontar

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    This is the same shit as the other thread. Go and read what I said before if you want me to help you.
     
  11. Chip

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    Tell 'em you like guys. And read what Zontar wrote above :slight_smile:
     
  12. TheEdend

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    You can definitely do that if you want. There aren't any rules of how you should go about coming out or what you are allowed to tell people or not. If you are comfortable with that then go for it.

    I will say that no one feels either gay, straight or bi. You can't "feel" a certain sexuality. You just are and that's that. In order for you to be gay you only have to like guys in a sexual way. Anything else is extra information that doesn't take away to the fact that...you like guys.

    Gay guys don't find girls disgusting or anything along those lines. In fact, most gay guys I have known find girls very beautiful and most like boobs :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: It doesn't mean that they are any less gay for it, though.

    Another thing to keep in mind is that you are concentrating all your energy in trying to pinpoint exactly what label best fits you. I can tell you right now, as someone who did the same for a long time, that you are wasting you time. Rather than trying to find a label, concentrate on accepting and enjoying what you know about yourself.

    - You like looking at girls. Enjoy it!
    - You find guys hot when you are horny. Enjoy it!
    - You want to have sex with guys and not girls. Enjoy that, too!

    I know its hard as hell, but just allow yourself to enjoy whatever you like or dislike. Whatever that might be.
     
  13. kellymporta

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    Well, honestly I would prefer coming out as not straight because that's how I feel right now, but could that complicate things? (people starting to ask too many questions)

    But if in a couple of months I'm in the same state of mind, could I regret coming out as gay? (And just assuming that there would be no negative reactions)
     
  14. TheEdend

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    It complicates things only if you let them. People will ask and you can simply answer. Tell them that you aren't quite sure. If they make a big deal about it then that's their problem and not yours.

    Life is very hard to predict and talk about in hypothetical situations. If you regret it then you will deal with things when they happen, but you will at least have the answer to one of your questions. If you don't do anything then in a couple of months from now you will still be here, asking the same question and not knowing anything new about yourself.
     
  15. J Snow

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    Dude, don't let a label own you. If you don't want to say you are 100% gay, you don't have to. However, you do sound much closer to gay than straight. Really things are a spectrum though. Like if you are kinsey 5 is that gay or bi? Its a gray area really. I would say come out with what makes you feel more comfortable, so long as you are open to yourself about the fact that you really are more sexually interested in men. Of course that there is also nothing wrong with that.

    I know personally, I find girls really attractive too... until the clothes come off at least. I realized that I think more of the attractiveness I feel about girls is jealousy. I'm not saying you are the same way, but I think I understand how you feel. I would say regardless of what you find appealing to the eye, if you are only interested in having sex with men, you are homoSEXual.
     
  16. Chip

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    Seriously, I think you've addressed all the same questions in the previous thread you started.

    Labels aren't important. I had a friend named Blake who, when asked his sexual orientation, said "I'm Blake." He wasn't trying to hide anything, he's just genuinely very open and has had long term relationships with both guys and girls and enjoys sex with both.

    As Gus (TheEdend) said, quit worrying about the labels and live your life. You like guys, you're almost certainly gay, so if you want that label, take it. If you don't, don't. It's as simple as that.