Warning may contain language I wanted to post this under anon but I want to share,sorry for the rant It is 4:41am, I have school next morning in which I will be returning after a week and a half of health issues,I've been looking up at the celling for two hours trying to sleep.For some reason however I want to send this When I was born everyone was so happy that someone had a son as it had been a while since a boy was born. However following in the footsteps of my mother a bunch of people in my family had babies around my birthday which pretty much left in the dirt. (my last b day celeberation was my 6th btw, i'm 15 now) As long would have it, they were all boys. My mother and father had a troubling relationship that I've heard horror stories from which include stalking,actually hitting my mother and even rape. the last time I saw my father was after my 1st birthday when he try to overdose on painkillers to death, (I was later told my grandfather, his father he died of cancer) I started school early by a good year and was the youngest in all my classes which kinda made me feel like a island with the other kids, and I felt differnet then the other kids but I had friends and although we rarely did anything after school I was happy. I was happy until late middle school when I had health issues and the medicine made me gain weight (before I was under-weight by a huge degree and I looked good) and I was over-weight before too long which gave birth to my low self esteem, it was also here I question sexualiy and gender Even after that I was happy, my life didn't get hellish until last year when we moved from a location I lived my whole life to a new one (my old home was in a rich part of town to a middle class one) My mother also got a new boyfriend who has issues himself, I first cut myself last year by digging a pen under my flesh in a food market, My mother was yelling at me for it and threated to have me deemed Mad and taken away. I didn't cut again until about 4 months ago My highschool freshman year (same year) was the worst year of my life. I was "the freshie" with a high voice and fag and the similar insults. My mother made me move and I got sick and missed my finals, My teachers all failed me. So even though i'm in 10th grade, I'm not 100% offical 10th grade so i'm still a fucking freshman great eh? but i'm getting that last credit this trimester so I can be in 11th grade next year as normal This is when I started cutting, grades were bigger then my life I hated myself so much and this put me from almost always happy to my current "sucidal" mindset. So my mother had me talk to the guidance consulerour who was a jerk. I mean he made up storys about me all the time, One day he said I skipped even though I didn't,threated to have me put in juvenille hall and got me grounded for a month w00t! At this school the teachers hated me and I became the back end of the jokes from staff and kids alike. I had no friends or even anyone to talk to during that school year. which to be honest was hell. This school year has been better, but not the year. I came out for better or worse and i'm often compared to "the straight,handsome,smart.etc" cousins of mine who are stook up jerks who I can't stand. I also did overtime to make up lost credits that if my teacher did their job, I would 11th grade by now :dry: so i'm still tech. 9th grade still w00t :bang::bang::bang::bang::bang::bang: and I still don't have any friends at this school :dry: so I often go days with talking to anyone. I signed up for EC at this time and I meet my boyfriend who is so sweet and supportive of me. I don't know how he wants me in my mind i'm fat,ugly,and I have a bad personality. But to be honest I don't like life does get any better at all, it feels as though once life gets to point it's all down hill I mean my boyfriends helps a lot but life sucks plain and simple. two months ago I woke up in a fight and I heard yelling at 3am on a school day. I heard a shatter and among it I heard my mothers boyfriend threaten to hit her (he ignored me,but backtalked me, he acted like he as afraid of me for some reason) and threw a bottle at the mirror behind her and broke the mirror. This isn't all the bad stuff thats happened to me this year, if it was it would fill pages and possibly books. The only thing good last year was meeting my boyfriend. Thank you for reading, I know it's messy and screwed up but it's now 5:08 am and I haven't slept all day. I don't know why I want to put this up to be honest and I feel petty for putting this up, like i'm a ungreatful person. Please pardon typos and grammer issues please
awww Im sorry you had to go through all this Im sure that things will get better in time, I hope they will, I wish I could offer help but this stuff is really out of my hand I think what you could possibly do is maybe talk to your grandma about it, I hope it all gets better It kills me to see you like this, Im sorry to hear about your parents and your mom's boyfriend , I know me saying I hope everything gets better wont help much but Im hoping it will at least give you some hope, youre a really amazing person and if anything bad were ever happen to you the world would be missing an amazing person, please dont cut yourself any more (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) Hold on
Well first of all it's a great thing to write down how your feeling. I lay awake a lot at night over thinking. Anyway I'm sorry to hear about your current situation, and I'm afraid that for the time being it won't get any better. Growing up this way is a curse and a blessing. It's a curse for obvious reasons, like you have low self esteem and a bad home & school life. However, it's a blessing because now you know how you DON'T want you life to be. Never give up on yourself. No matter what happens. After your out of high school you can do whatever you want with your life. You could go away to college, or find a job and move out with your boyfriend or a friend. I know that life looks fucked up right now, but it will get better. It's easier said then done, but FUCK all those kids you go to school with. It should only motivate you to do better and show them that your not a piece of shit. Everyone deals with high school kids and teachers differently. You could either ignore them and be the bigger person, or start standing up for yourself. I had a similar problem in HS. I started school with everyone calling me a fag and making fun of the way I dressed. In Middle School I took it and let it affect me, but as soon as high school came around, I decided to fight back. In HS I turned around all the hurtful things people said about me and gave it back to them 10x's worse. Now I'm not saying you should do that, because obviously it won't make you very popular, I'm just letting you know that your not alone. All I can say is that your better then the people around make you out to be. I've never even met you before and I can tell just by reading your post. I really hope that you can gain the confidence to not let all the hurtful things bother you. If you ever need to vent don't hesitate to PM me or anything. Good Luck!!! Sepphhyy
I know I already gave you my advice in chat, but I just wanted to leave you a big hug to cheer you up (*hug*)
(*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) I'm sorry you're going through this. You're a good person and things will get better. You can message me if you ever want to talk. (*hug*)
also I'm sorry for the drama in it, I haven't been feeling good and tbh I like life, it could just get better
