I hope I'm not getting annoying cause I keep asking stuff, but I could use a little more help. I haven't said anything to my parents (or most of my family for that matter). The thing that makes me so nervous about telling anyone is that I'm the last person in my family with the family last name. And in the small town that I live in, our last name is huge. So everyone is like "You have to get married and have a boy to continue the name." This is also the reason it took me so long to come out to anyone. I just feel like I'm a huge disappointment to my family. I know if I tell them that everyone will say that its fine and stuff, but I also know the disappointment that will be there. I'm just not sure how to tell them and if there is any way to get away from the disappointment. I thought about waiting till I had a boyfriend, and letting everyone meet him so they can get to know him and (hopefully) start to like him, then just be like oh yea, by the way, hes my boyfriend...lol I don't know if thats a good idea or not though. Please Help
Annoying? Not at all! It's our pleasure to help! And actually, I must confess I find this thread particularly interesting: the concept of "continuing the family name" is one of the reasons reason I took until I was 25 to come out. In fact, I came out not too long after my brother had his first serious girlfriend (my brother and myself being the only male grandchildren). Almost as if getting the evidence of him being straight was the permission I needed to be gay. To be honest, if he had turned out gay, I'd probably been married and with kids by now, myself. However, that would have been a mistake. Even if I might have had a wife and kids, I would have probably ended up hurting everyone in the inevitable downfall of the charade, years down the line. Maybe the family name would have continued, but it would inevitably have ended up tarnished anyway. So I do think it's awesome of you not to fall for that mistake either! Hard truth here: there's no way to completely avoid them going through a couple of phases of acceptance. Some denial, disappointment, bargining or anger are to be expected along the way. But: in the end, odds are pretty good they will accept you being gay, and start to see that continuing the family name is not worth throwing your happyness under the bus for. In fact, they're not entirely strangers to having gay people in their extended family, so odds are if anything, higher than if they wouldn't know any gay people to begin with. I can see the appeal in using a boyfriend as leverage or to "oil the gears of acceptance", but it has its drawbacks. If you use him as a crutch for coming out, it can also create a situation in which you come to be dependant on him. He'd be your "permission to be gay". Plus, it might create an urge to rush into a relationship just to get your hands on such a crutch. Or, they might misunderstand and decide that "he's the guy who turned Jim gay!". Not an envious situation for a guy to be in. So personally, I think I'd go more for a situation where you come out first, and then introduce your boyfriend (if you have one at that time), rather than one where you make him into some kind of gay trojan horse to introduce the concept. Yes, it takes biting through the sour apple, but in the end, I think it is the better solution. Last but not least... what is your position on kids in the first place? Being gay doesn't really preclude having them! Be it by adoption or surrogacy, it's still an option, should you want kids. Don't let your sense of family obligation force you, but if you'd want that, think of it as what the straight you from another universe where you couldn't have kids for some other reason would have done Anyhow, as I stated in the first paragraph: disappointing family is not something I'm good at, so don't take the above as anything more than my 2 cents...
Thank you so much. I ended up telling my parents this morning. I was trying to be calm and collected and just tell them. Instead, I got nervous and just kinda of blurted it out. It didn't go as bad as I thought. My dad was fine, my mom was...eh...lol She kept saying that she is totally fine with it, but I could tell shes not. Plus she kept going: "Well, I don't see why you have to tell anyone. Its something private and people don't need to know any thing." Which just tells me that she doesn't want people to know. Its whatever I guess. And I really want to say thank you. There is no way I would have been able to do that with out you. It is so nice having the support you give. I am really glad Jesse and Joey had me get one here. I feel so much better since I have. So, yea. Thank you sooo much.
Congrats on telling your parents. I would have given the exact same advice as Filip. I'm sorry that it did not do as smoothly with your parents as would be perfect, but what ever does? If she was trying to be supportive, even if she is uncomfortable, then she gets that she needs to be supportive of you and I think she will eventually come around. My mom was also the same way. While she was supportive she mentioned grandchildren and things like that a few times and I definitely got the sense that she was not totally comfortable. But as I said to her, I have had year and years to understand and accept this, and it would be unfair to expect you to do the same after just a few minutes. And, don't worry. Never stop asking questions. EC is here in whatever way you need it.
That's great that you've told your parents. Great to see your father's reaction, think of your mother's reaction as only an initial shock. Over time, she probably will come to realize that it's no more a private matter than the relationship she has with your father. It might be that she realizes you might want to get married, and could adopt some grandchildren for her. Again, well done on telling them.
Well that's... proactive! Congratulations, really! coming out to parents is one of the hardest things in life IMO, and things usually only get better from there on. I now feel positively sluggish for taking months to come out to my mom I think your mom will be fine in the end. Not wanting other people to know is a traditional stalling tactic to buy some time to deal with this kind of revelation, but her asserting that she's fine with it indicates she is making an effort. If your dad is supportive, there's a good chance he'll be a great help in getting her to accept it too.
LOL, the only reason I said something so fast is because I am talking to someone and didn't want him to think that the only reason I want to be with him is to use him to come out. I really like this kid and am willing to do anything to not screw it up.
Congratulations are doubly in order, then! I just want to repeat that you really can still have children, if that's something you want. I don't know if I think it's a very good idea if the only reason you want them is to meet other people's expectations, though. Of course, presuming that you wait to have kids until you are with someone, the two of you will have to discuss whether they will take your family name. But if it's very important to you, it will probably work out. If you want to explain to your mom, you need to tell people because otherwise, they don't really know you. And then it's like there's this distance constantly between you and other people. And of course, once you are in a relationship, it can be really hurtful to your partner to pretend like your relationship doesn't exist, or like it's less than it is. Anyway, congrats again on coming out to your parents, and on your recent love interest.
