Hey there, My name here is Chimera, and at 26 years old I have no idea what I am. First off I am so thankful EC exists! I have spent the last few weeks pouring over these posts, and for the first time in years I don’t feel so alone. I am in the midst of an identity crisis regarding my gender identity and sexual orientation. A lot of what I write might be biased since I’m highlighting my life events through the “questioning” lens, but you get the picture. Starting off with the cliché, “I have always felt different” bit, I am very much a tomboy. Thankfully, my parents were happy to let me play with toy trucks and dinosaurs, and I had a close-knit group of girl friends to grow up with. We were very similar and inseparable… until puberty hit. They began obsessing over guys, toying with make-up, and talking about sex. This was a foreign language to me, and I didn’t feel feminine at all. Was I a late bloomer? It didn’t matter; I ended up chronically sick, became depressed, and was deeply involved in a conservative church. Sadly, I resented my friends for their “sins”, and began isolating myself out of fear. I also went through a phase where I HATED men. I loved my friends so much I wanted to destroy their boyfriends for any pain they caused. Thankfully, some good guys showed up and I slowly realized that we’re all the same, but I still didn’t develop any attraction for men. Many people began assuming I was gay, but I wasn’t attracted to women either! I felt like a dead stone in a magnetized world. Fast forward past some really shitty years and lets get to current events. I am FINALLY treated for idiopathic hypersomnia, finding peace in agnosticism, and sucking the marrow out of life. In a way, I am discovering the world and myself for the first time. While my childhood friends got married and popped out kids, I went traveling and discovering new hobbies. I still lacked experience with relationships and intimacy, but it didn’t matter because I was/am asexual. (I’ve experimented with masturbation, but my sex drive is so low it’s pointless.) During this time I also began making new friends, including men. I loved hanging out as one of the bros, but inevitably it gets awkward because I am a female. A few of these men took an interest in me, and I was tempted to date them because I loved their company, but I couldn’t live a lie and they deserved someone who could reciprocate their feelings. What on earth is this attraction thing!? Have I not met the right guy? Am I still recovering from the past? I’m lonely, and I’m tired of losing friends, so maybe I should just push myself into the dating scene and see what happens. Soooo… I’m a female looking for a male right? Right?? A soft whisper I had learned to ignore begin to yell, and the answer hits me like a ton of bricks. I don’t want a man; I want to BE a man. But why? Where are these thoughts coming from? Isn’t gender just a label society gives us? After a lot of research and introspection, I conclude that I am a male-leaning androgen, but I am not transsexual. Still, I try hard to fantasize myself entering a heterosexual relationship, but I can’t stop imagining myself playing the male role… the male taking care of his girlfriend. I don’t find women physically attractive, but I am horrified to find these fantasies turn me on. WTF is that about!? Is this a “late puberty” phase? Are women’s sexual orientations really that flexible? Have I lost my mind? Am I… gay!? Still with me? Good, because I am so lost, conflicted, and confused right now! I keep changing my mind every few hours and it’s driving me insane! I’m still curious to try dating, but I have no idea what I am or what I want. Isn’t this supposed to be second nature? I’m afraid my current gray-asexual orientation, genderqueerness, and lack of experience will frighten everyone off. Should I attend some LGBT events and see how I fit in? I understand these are just labels, but I am desperate for answers and don’t want to risk hurting somebody for the sake of curiosity. Wow that turned into a novel, but thank you so much for taking the time to read. Just by writing this out, I feel so much better already. Take care!
Hey welcome to EC, im glad you have found EC it is a really great place to find support whilst you figure yourself out. I shall just start by saying I joined EC just over 3 years ago when I was 26 and I had just started to question my sexuality. I had grown up always assuming I was straight, I had never questioned it and had never knowingly suppressed attraction to females. I was really shy growing up and so the thought of relationships and stuff was a little scary anyway, I always thought I would grow into having crushes on guys, on a couple of occasions I thought I had a crush but I have since discovered that they werent crushes they were just guys I really liked spending time with and I confused that as a crush because I didnt know how it was supposed to feel. For a long time I just kind of gave up on the thought of meeting someone, and then when I was probably about 25 I was watching a tv program and the storyline involved 2 girls and I just started thinking to myself hmmm I think im enjoying this more than the average person, and thus I started questioning my sexuality. I had always been gay friendly and had spent time with gay people but the thought of actually being gay was kind of scary. I guess my biggest question and fear was 'how could I not have known'and 'surely people are going to think im ridiculous'. I joined EC and in time I have worked through everything and now im out to pretty much everyone and have a girlfriend. Sorry I seemed to have hijacked your thread with my story but I just want you to know that whilst my story isnt 100% the same, you are definitely not alone and im sure EC will help you as it did me.
Hey Silverhalo No problem highjacking the thread, and thank you for sharing your story! You really hit the nail on the head for me when you said... That's something I'm really wrestling with right now. If I am gay wouldn't I have noticed this earlier? Wouldn't I have developed a crush on one of my girl friends a long time ago? I feel like a hypocrite, vocally demanding equal human rights for LGBT folk and then suddenly finding myself freaking out that I might be one! This will take time, I'm sure. I'm glad you found solace here
I know how you feel, I started pretty much the same journey at 25/26. As to freaking out about "possibly being one"... yeah, I know how that is too. Around Oct. Nov. '09 I was freaking out until I finally burst and came out to all my close friends. And now I have a lovely boyfriend. It just took time... don't be afraid to take as much as you need, it's worth it in the end.
I havent really crushed on any of my friends, I think because you are not looking for it it comes out in different ways like wanting to be best friends with another girl, or just really admiring them.
I too began the long questioning/coming out process in the at age 25, after having had many crushes since childhood (like the OP, I've felt "different" since an early age) that should have at least brought up some doubts or questions in my mind. In fact, my mom questioned me long before I questioned myself. It wasn't really denial, because the thought of being gay never crossed my mind; I just assumed that I would find a boyfriend eventually, like (what I presumed to be) everyone else, including my two closest friends. So yeah, I definitely know the feeling of incredulity at not knowing earlier, when the "signs" were present.
Thank you Adam88 and Chouchou. It's really nice to see other young adults who didn't experience the teenage questioning stage. It's weird though, I don't find women or men sexually attractive at all, even though I love admiring the human form, so that's probably one reason why. Right now I'm just strangely attracted to the idea of being a male with a girlfriend, so I'm trying to accept these feelings for what they are and let nature take its coarse without pushing or fighting it. It is so distracting though, lol! ---------- Post added 17th Jan 2012 at 03:02 PM ---------- Oh, and I have never crushed on anybody beyond, "Wow, you are such an awesome person. Lets hang out and be friends!" Although, it was only recently that I thought about who I'd want to date so that could be part of the reason. I guess I should go out, make some friends, and see what happens! Oy, just got in another debate with my friends over gender roles *headdesk* Maybe I should come out soon before I get too defensive.
OMG!!! I love this thread. In all honesty, I did not question my sapphic tendencies as a teenager. I was sure that I was asexual (something that I still consider myself to be). I was in an all girls highschool and I did not see my friends that way... not only that, but a couple that were bi-curious made passes at me (one kissed me in the lips, but I did not reciprocate given that I felt no sexual/romantic attraction towards her), so for me was like "thanks, but no thanks, hon". To be fair, now that I'm out of the closet and thinking about when I was younger, it is possible that I felt attraction to certain women. There were one or two friends who I wanted to become friends with, since I enjoyed their company, but the feelings never developed into actual crushes for me to realize at the moment. So, I still don't know if I liked them THAT way but just not that much... or if I truly just wanted to be their friends. I met one of them a while ago... no sexual/romantic attraction from my side. *shrugs* So I really don't know. After highschool, I did notice that I tended to look at girls more often than guys when I was in the street or in the bus (not necessarily in a sexual way). And I've felt "pulled" by certain female characters in TV shows (like Alyssa Milano's in Charmed or Amy Jo Johnson' in The Power Rangers); but I just thought it was like "admiration" or something like that... 'cus they were badasses. IDK... Some people have (tried to) ask-ed me if I was a lesbian, but given that I didn't consider myself one I said no. Also, I have had crushes on guys... and I'm not talking about "I like their company", I mean actual sexual/physical/romantical/emotional attraction. Actually, my strongest crush so far has been with a guy, not a girl... and I consider myself a lesbian, who's gayer than a handbag full of rainbows. Then when I was 22, a friend of mine came out to me as bisexual. After that I gotta say that I did find myself checking her out once or twice... but, I did/do not have romantic interest in her. And I mean, girls can find girls attractive without being lesbians, right?? Then I went to Japan to do some exchange and there were a lot of gay people (and I mean A LOT). I'm sure I set their gaydars off. lol And actually one of them (my husband) was obviously trying to help me out, but I hadn't internalized those feelings yet because, well... I wasn't really aware that I had them. One year later, I did volunteer in the Amazonia and I found myself having a strong lesbian crush on one of my fellow volunteers. So, I was like "really?? Is it??"... All along I've had crushes on guys... and I do feel attracted to some men (I consider myself Kinsey 4-5). I think having these crushes (they don't happen all the time, but definitely they're not uncommon for me) and living in a highly conservative place is what has kept me blind folded. I'm not sure I would have come out sooner, if I were in a more liberal place. Perhaps. Who knows?? I really didn't notice my sapphic inclinations until I met that volunteer. So I thought about it and I didn't reach any conclusion. lol 'Cus just because I had A lesbian crush doesn't mean I'm gay, right?? HA!! It wasn't until, a few months afterwards (last year's Dec) I was watching this movie for like the tenth time (yep, I was obsessed with it) that it completely hit me. There's a jogging scene with the protagonist and I remember thinking: "Woah... She looks really cool jogging. I really like her smile... She's really beautiful" and then it felt like a bucket of ice-cold water: "I'm totally attracted to her"... It was like: "Juno Kaplan is a girl. I like her. Girls who like girls are called lesbians. THEREFORE I'M A LESBIAN!!"... lol Pieces of the puzzle, finally clicked together. I went like this => :eusa_doh: I had to stop what I was doing (eating and watching the movie). I knew at that point that I had to come out. So, started searching for LGBTs coming outs... I took a little break from it because a two friends came to visit me for a couple of weeks and I wanted to tell my family first (no way friends come before family with something like this). Five days after they left in middle January (the first Skype call from my sister after they left), I told my sister right before she went to bed: "Hermana, before you go there's something I wanted to tell you. I'm gay" and voilá, I stated coming out. Overall I think it's been soooooooo obvious all along. It's like 80% of the estereotypes apply to me. LMAO :lol: And I know estereotypes don't always are correct, but in my case many of them apply. Yes!! I'm totally with this one! Definitely "outside my comfort zone" at the first two months of coming out... It's highschool all over again or as some other EC user put it: "Puberty 2.0"... lol But, the good thing is that that ackwardness went away rather fast (comparing to teens, IMO). I came out to my parents and older sister in March/April (aside from my sister I hadn't came out to anyone) and after them, I start telling my friends. I felt ackward starting the conversation... or the first time I went to a gay bar and a friend of mine try to hook me up with this girl. She was a new-comer too. Actually, I was the one leading the conversation. lol Also originally I was somewhat reluclant to go to Pride... but I did. And it was cool...
Wow, hey thanks for sharing your story. I can't really add much, because I'm not sure what I can say, but hey welcome to EC and if you ever want to talk .. or anything, drop a wall messaage =D And dont worry, stick around on EC and you'll feel loads better I speak from experience
