Well I guess I'm just venting(ranting?) here so sorry if it should probably go in the chit chat section or not. So to share some backstory about almost 7 years ago my family and I moved out of California and 3 years later we moved back to California, needless to say that after moving back to California my family has gotten so poor that I've had to share a room with my mom for the last 4 years. So yea, that kinda made me really at a loss for privacy except for the privacy in my own mind practically. Since then really I've really just been stuck in desperation phases. I usually like to play video games to take a break from reality but since I had to share a room with my mom and there was no room to really put the gaming console anywhere else, I guess felt like I was being pushed into the reality that my life was just beginning to spiral downward. Growing up I would kinda be the targeted person for people to pick on and I still don't know why to this day but I guess that left me feeling like people just hated me and that I was just trash and that this was the truth. My brother even picked on me but I guess it was normal when we were little but now we're older and my brother is f***ing 21 and he hasn't changed a single bit since then and by now because of all that he's done that's affected my life that I just feel such a strong hatred for him now that just seeing him pisses me off so much. His birthday was 2 days ago and last Saturday he injured his leg and I laughed at him and called him a loser. That's how much I hate him. Anyways back to me being picked on by other people, I have been picked on and it just started to make me feel so much like shit that when I was 16 all I could think about was killing myself and I would cut myself because I felt like I deserved it. That was just the start of it I guess, at the time I was still kinda open to telling people about my problems sometimes, at one point I even told my best friend about what was going on at my house and I told him that I just couldn't handle anything anymore and that I wanted to just end it. He told me that everything will always get better and that was coming from someone who lost their mom around the time I moved back to California. I kinda had newfound hope because I managed to stop cutting myself and I tried to make myself think that things do get better. What happened in the months following that didn't help at all. My sister had been helping my mom (who by this time was a single parent) pay the bills so she and her family were living with us until my brother randomly punched her because she just wanted to watch Netflix with him. This prompted her to move out and so my mom was stuck with paying all the bills (with some help my sister could give). Like I said earlier video games especially online was like escaping reality and playing online and chatting with friends online suddenly vanished from my life over. I hated my life even more because I couldn't talk to my friends anymore and I kinda felt like I was being disconnected from the world(I've never really been much of a texter). Soon enough my mom couldn't pay the electricity bill so the power had been cut from the house and sadly my phone had died before my brother-in-law dropped me off at my house from school so I was just stuck there just in a deep depression the entire time. That night me, my mom, and my brother began staying at my cousins, who I don't even trust at all because I know my mom's family primarily as being immature, hostile, two-faced, backstabbers who only want money. Prior to staying at their house, my brother would go there because he loved being with my cousin and her kids (she's also a single mother). I still dislike her because of my prejudice against my mom's family. So I felt that since my brother had a bond with them, that I just didn't belong at all. Man was I right, living with them was like living with my brother and 3 clones of himself, all they would do was just bully me around and whenever I tried to laugh with them when they said something mean to me that was funny to them they would just say something that made me feel like sh*t. Soon enough I felt like shit and my self esteem and self confidence were practically gone so and I had built up such a great wall between myself and everyone around me. All those days when my best friend would ask me if something was wrong when I looked depressed I would just tell him I was sleepy when I just felt like a waste of space. Soon I started staying with my sister and my mom began getting angry at me for that so I blew up at her and told her I was tired of being picked on by my brother and her family and I just couldn't take it anymore and I didn't want to live with her anymore and that I wanted to move out when I turned 18, she said that it wouldn't work out because whether I found a job or not I wouldn't financially be able to live on my own which was true. (my mom tends to be a mother hen and likes to keep the eggs in the nest) so after a while of staying with my sister I felt like things weren't getting any better because I saw all the dysfunction that was going through her family and I felt like it was my fault the entire time and that I wasn't wanted there anymore so soon enough, I started staying with my mom again at my cousin's house but I started sleeping on the couch because I really didn't wanna share a room with my mom anymore. When we finally got electricity back in my mom's house we moved back and my cousin and her family began staying with us so now even more hell started. My cousin's daughter (who is only a couple months younger than my brother) started inviting like 6 or 7 friends over to our house and it isn't even a big house so it just made my house feel overly crowded and loud, and thanks to my antisocialness I felt sort of claustrophobic and I just get headaches when they are over and she even had one of her friends sleep over at our house for over a month, and all my cousin's daughter does is go to parties. And my cousin won't do anything about it because she thinks her kids deserve all the freedom in the world. They just dirty up the house and leave me and my brother to clean up after them practically, by this point now currently I feel like I'm beginning to go insane. So yesterday my cousin invited a lot of friends over so the stress just started taking over me and I finally opened up to my mom told her I don't want them staying with us anymore and I hate her family and I don't trust them, even the innocent small part of my mom's family. And o top of that I have to pay tuition for college and I haven't payed tuition for college and I've been afraid to tell my mom about it these last couple months because of our financial situation and I couldn't get financial aid because of how many classes I was able to get last semester. I feel like she'll be so unbelievably angry at me and i really don't want that to happen and if I don't pay it by tomorrow then I won't be able to register for classes this semester. I just feel so stressed out right now and I just don't know what to do with my life by now.
Wow this a lot for anyone to deal with and I am sorry that it has fallen on you. (*hug*) There is so much to process here and I feel like I can't give you the kind of emotional support or the answers you need, but at least know that my hopes are with you. I would suggest that you get in contact with the financial aid office of your university, as well as your academic dean, if you have one, or your adviser. You need to let them know of the circumstances, and try to work something out with them. Often Financial aid offices offer emergency aid in grants and loans based on personal circumstances. TALK TO THEM ASAP and be persistent -- they often are pretty stingy unless you really make your case, and whenever you can talk to them in person. Many colleges also have free counseling services and I would encourage you to take advantage of them. I think among other things you need someone to help you process through everything that is going on in your life. I know that it may seen weird to open up face to face to a complete stranger, but I found it to be a wildly cathartic experience. Let me know how I can help you. And if there is no way, I just hope everything works out for you. Hang in there!
Thank you so much Marlowe I'm sorry it was a massive of amount of info that I just threw out there it's kinda getting harder to hide how I feel haha I'm going to try to get in touch with the financial aid office tomorrow so hopefully I manage to get the help I need.
