Lately, after I've left my religious community, I've been trying to identify my sexual orientation, which has caused me some grief and a lot of angst over the past few years. I could use some help, so here’s a recount: I began being attracted to other girls when I was 10. That completely freaked me out and I tried to force myself to be attracted to boys (whom I would otherwise have paid no attention to). That culminated in some traumatic experiences when I was 13 – I began starving myself to make myself more appealing to this boy I was aggressively pursuing for that purpose and my parents were not pleased. From I was 13 to 14, I was in love with a girl at my school. Being with her made me really happy and got me through horrible times with my father. When I was 14, I joined a fundamentalist Christian church which is really against homosexuality. I soon stopped fantasising about the girl I liked and managed to repress my feelings for her, which convinced me that I was now straight (something I saw as a divine miracle). I became more and more religious (I lived in the church compound to escape abuse from my father) and for a whole year I was convinced that I’d actually become straight (despite still having no interest in guys and occasional attractions for girls). After I gave up my faith completely in March last year, I decided that I should accept my sexual orientation. However, I've experienced significant confusion over the past year, due to a number of things. My sexuality is obviously based on the people I like and I don’t seem to be interested in anyone at the moment. Also I think I’m still a bit messed up from the whole religious experience. In addition, I know people think that sexual orientation really is not written in stone for adolescents and I sometimes think that perhaps there is some validity to this idea.
I'm hurting for you. I was raised in a very conservative Christian family and church. And I understand your confusion. If you still have a faith in God, take some time to explore ON YOUR OWN just what you believe. Don't rely on pastors, priests, or clergy. The next thing is to determine how you can express your sexuality within the confines of the religious decission you have made. Ultimately, YOU are the person who has to be comfortable with your decision. As you are aware, you are young and you can always change and modify your decisions. If there is ultimately a conflict, you will have to determine which will have priority: your sexually expression or your religious beliefs (if they are in conflict). Good luck. I don't envy where you are in this journey. But you will be a better person when you get through it. Blessings, Tracker
How long has it been since you've felt attracted to anyone else? I don't find it unusual in the least to not be interested in relationships after an experience like this. It sounds like your personal interests and your religion have been pulling against one another for a long time - I'm sure you felt lots of guilt throughout this process and that doesnt disappear overnight. Ultimately, there's no way to know your orientation without giving it time and allowing yourself to be ok with whoever your attracted to. You already seem to know that forcing yourself to like someone of either gender doesnt work. In time, once the conflicting pressures start to wear off, you should start to regain your interest in relationship
First off, I'm glad to hear you escaped the shackles that is the xtian faith - you'll be far more truly happy now than you were previously. Now, regarding your orientation- why bother trying to decide it? Simply leave it in neutral, as it were, and see what comes your way. You might a guy that you fall head over heals for; you may find a girl that does the same for you; or you may find someone in between the two extremes that suits you perfectly. Really, don't rush it. Don't cling to any title because you feel you need to. You'll find out when your ready.
