ok so heres the story today we got back from our MLK extended break and during my first class i get called up to go to the counselors office. now i had a scheduale change done recently so i assumed it was to double check everything, and i was right for the most part. then she shuts the door and tells me a friend emailed her about a post i made on facebook which was "i wish i never fucking existed" some time ago on december 29 ( alittle late of a reaction to be honest) and wanted to see if i was ok. in my head i was thinking im going to pester the hell out of whoever took that so far (though i admit that that day being near new years it might have been a bit suspicious and since my friends dont know what im up to alot of the time i can see their concern) but i told the counselor i was fine and that i had people to talk to if i was ever in trouble. she did say that i needed to be more trusting (HA) about people and make more friends i can trust, particularly adult friends. she told me to delete the post (wont look good if future bosses look at my profile, understandable) and that was it. so i leave and i tell my best friend what happened since i told the counselor that she was one person i trusted and she basically flipped out at me because she was in the same situation before and that she either almost killed herself or failed at killing herself over thanksgiving and that shes on antidepressants and she had to go to therapy and she didnt want me going the same route she did (we have similar mindsets) but i laughed it off (not about her situation i gave her a hug and all that stuff) and said i was fine. now, i actually am depressed alot of the time and have considered offing myself multiple times, and sadly i havent done it yet because ive got pets to take care of. though being honest if i was deadset on doing that right now they really cant stop me but i havent and right now i dont plan on doing anything right now. but yeah im really depressed and have big trust issues and i feel even more restrained because i cant even joke about my emotions without it becoming a huge problem, and if i did tell someone it would obviously link to me being a fucking sexual misfit and i get branded almost immediatley. i kind of really want to know who sent that email to give them a hug for giving a fuck and yelling at them for not bringing it to me first, that has probably been the second time someone has ever shown kindness to me, or cared for that matter. right now ive got nowhere to vent and if i cant im going to explode i havent cried since forever but for some reason the crying emotion registers as a kill yourself mindset, weird. i would actually prefer to avoid mutilating myself for any reason as long as there is a way for me to remain sleeping and be in my dreams for the rest of enternity. but i have to say if i was going to kill myself i would probably end up doing it by trying to stop someone with a gun that way i actually did something instead of redecorate my bedroom
(*hug*) I dont know why exactly youve been struggling with depression lately, but it sounds like at least youve got one or two folks out there who want to help. Hope you start to feel better!
(*hug*) Sounds like you have hit a real rough patch. I know you won't believe it when I say this, (I certainly didn't when I said it to myself), but this is just a passing storm. YOu will get better, and you will be happier, and you will find your self again. This was my experience with depression. I could never imagine that it would get better, but it did. I spent a lot of time in counseling and while it took me a while a get comfortable with the idea of telling my problems to a stranger, I found it wildly cathartic. I'm not sure exactly what your situation is, but I would suggest talking to the counselor at your school. They are bound by confidentiality agreements and you can obviously ask then about this. Still, I am more than a bit worried that you think that they will think you are a sexual deviant if you tell your counselor about this. Why do you think this? If you are not feeling comfortable at school, we are here and there is also the Treavor project, an organization that deals with the issues of suicide in LGBT youth. I would suggest that you make up a list I don't want to sound like I'm telling you what to do, but I am so concerned about you and I can't really do anything for you, except tell you that though you don't believe it (I certainly didn't) in the words of Samwise Gamgee, "But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer." That you have come out show that you have an incredible internal fortitude. That first step is always the hardest and I think it is likewise with talking about your feelings and your self with friends and with counselors. It is so hard to take that first step and open yourself up to others, but I have found only recently, that your friends will always step up to the plate. They are honored that you would turn to them for help. They realize that it in fact requires a great deal of trust placed in them. I never believe I was doing anything but burdening them, and they have shown me how poorly I understood how much they cared about me. I know you will find the same. Take care, and remember we are always here to listen and help.
thanks jargon, like the username btw and the reason i dont feel comfortable at school is because i have tried to trust people, and i used to trust people, but alot of them let me down or they told other people or mixed it up and it ended up blowing up in my face. so naturally, no one can say anything about me if i dont tell them anything, so dont tell them anything. offer to do everything because if they do it they will mess it up. truth be told i only feel comfortable in situations where i am with someone i trust, or in an area where i am completely anonymous. i dont mean sexual deviant i mean the fact that im bi, i try to avoid using it. for me telling these four people was only a matter of when i will ever get their attention for more than 2 minutes, i knew if they didnt take it well then they would be the greatest hypocrites of all time, and therefore wouldnt be worth the effort. i wish it was like that, thatd id have my friends want to talk things out or just say words at all, barely anyone talks to me and if they do its probably for a project or they want something. i think its partly why im very reckless, because no one openly shows that they care what happens to me, so by doing somewhat risky things brings me attention, and if it doesnt at least i have something to do and if i get hurt who gives a fuck.
dude, i have battled depression for a long time. you may have heard that depression is anger turned inward. i believe it. that's where my depression comes from; anger at my dad, my bro and the list goes on. then there's the anger at me and god for feeling like he didn't have to screw me up like he did. i've talked with counselors before and now i'm at a new place, but this place is the most difficult, because i finally realized how angry i really am. so in the past 8 or 9 months, i've gone between anger and depression, wanting to off myself at least a dozen times and thinking about how to do it. that's one of the reasons i came here. because i needed to talk through stuff totally openly and without judgment. bro, i KNOW i have to share all this with someone and so do you. when you're 17, you think this stuff makes you a nut case, and it doesn't, it makes you reasonable for taking the steps you need to take to get the healing that you need. you're carrying a heavy load, maybe you can get someone to help carry it man. we do have to be more open and trust. and like marlowe said, counselors are bound by confidentiality agreements. but you know, i say i want to get better, but then i get angry when someone says something that makes me feel uncomfortable even though it would be good for me. you had someone who loved you bring the thing up about facebook. i only wish i had people who were in my life who wanted to love me like that. but likely they wouldn't tell me either, because i'd get mad that they were all up in my business...and lastly bro, you're not a sexual misfit... you just have feelings and they're rooted somewhere, so man, talk with someone and let yourself be lightened by dealing with it all i don't know you that well bro, but i know that you're a good guy and express yourself well here at EC. i don't know either if this is making any sense... but, i feel you bro and am with you, no matter if i'm as old as dirt or not, i feel you and will support you to my best ability peace bro ~ me
i know its anger turned inward, i beat myself up for it all the time, i always feel like ill never amount to anything (people, mainly my parents, tell me this all the time, they spew out jeremiads about everything and its really nerveracking because basically i have to be good at everything in order for my life to not turn to shit) and i beat myself up for everything too. im extremely competitave, but get this, i actually have winners remorse. everytime im about to beat someone at something really badly, i give them too much leeway and they end up beating me, because if my parents treat me like crap, and if my parents are normal, then id hate to see everyone elses parents, so i take the fall so they can be care-free. im not kidding at all, the last time this happened (after my dad told me, go out and have fun, which i didnt but i digress) my dad flipped a shit because i let a 10 year old beat me and ended up getting screamed at, things thrown at me, and grounded. i always feel bad whenever i dump my problems onto someone else. because i know they have problems too and they are probably alot worse than mine, its not fair for them if i just un-load stuff onto them. especially here because you guys have alot worse problems than me, my family is decently off and i dont have to go through as much hell as everyone else and it makes me feel selfish, obnoxious, petty, shameful and disgusting when i complain about stupid shit like this. and i know i have to share it with someoen but who, i mean theres here, and it helps, but i dont feel comfortable writing about more personal issues, hell even typing this out just makes me want to delete the whole thing. and im not mad at the person who reported the post to the counselor, for some sick reason it made me feel wanted, but if they knew me they would know that ive only ever gotten mad twice in my entire life, the rest is more of a 'i dont want to live on this planet anymore that was so stupid what you did' face. and no your not as old as dirt, my english teacher is :lol: sorry for any typos im spazzing out over something ridiculous and cant control my fingers
stumble, thanks for sharing all this. let me paint a picture of a guy who feels angry, hurt, sad, alone and wants to burst. at the same time, he has justified himself into believing that he doesn't have the right to feel any of it. he justifies that his parents are only doing their best, but he still feels like crap. he gets angry when they treat him wrong and other times he doesn't even realize why he's furious with them or anyone else, sometimes he is so low that he can't move... he knew there were problems with his family, but to him they seemed minimal 'compared to other people'. (his mother taught him that well)....he just didn't feel like he had any right to complain... and finally, (in a closeted judgmental way), he felt like no one would ever have anything reasonable to say to his problems anyway, so why share them......that was me truth is, there were problems in my family and my parents too. but i held it all in, because i just didn't feel i had the right to really express anything "bad" yeah, i'd lash out sometimes, but it was all over the place... the same way my dad would express anger. stumble, acknowledging that my parents screwed up, and a lot, didn't mean that their problems negated all the good they did, it just means that they were human and had problems which effected me too. dude, you feel something deeply and deserve to feel it, and not only do you deserve to feel it, but it's healthy and freeing express it to someone, but it takes a risk. risking not looking like you've got it all under control. next, i'm sure you're generous sometimes and selfish sometimes and all that other stuff you said.... you've just described how most people are if they're actually being honest... and for those of us who feel like we look like we have it 'all together', 'competitive types', we have to take a risk to be real. and sometimes a counselor can help you organize how you feel and help you address it in a way that simply makes sense. please, give yourself permission to cry, hurt or feel angry...anything. just don't numb it anymore. i don't know if i posted this anywhere else here on EC, but when i was a freshman in high school i cried at school once... ONCE.... because i had three deaths in my family in a period of two months. that happens to everyone, right??? so, when i cried, i felt like an idiot and like i was being a selfish baby for sobbing about something that seemed like it wasn't a big deal.... only thing was that three people in my family dying IS a big deal. but my family had no idea how to deal with it, so none of us cried at home either. so i vowed to myself that i would not cry another tear until my senior year of high school. and that's just what happened. as deep a feeler as i am, i didn't shed a tear my sophomore year, my junior year, my senior year....then my freshman year of college came and there were reasons to cry... but i couldn't.... stumble, i had stuffed it so far down, that i didn't know how to cry anymore and i couldn't get at it... i forgot how to feel just like one of those whistling tea pots. i put the cover on. covered the hole so the pot wouldn't whistle and eventually...the steam builds up inside. but in a person what that pressure does is it twists you inside with that false concept that you have no right to feel and no right to express it, but, eventually something's got to blow and it did and it will...but stumble, you are too valuable for that. i don't want a friend of mine to end up all twisted up or something worse, just because he chose not to let stuff out. it's a learning process to identify how you feel and learn to express it. i think you're starting to do it here... so man, share. if not with that school counselor, with someone else. just trust someone so you can not feel trapped anymore and start living your life free. and, your english teacher, he's what 42 1/2???
