mad at myself

this person is not good for you. good people for you do not call you ugly, try and hurt you, or do things that make you want to commit suicide. you should first and foremost seek counseling regarding the suicide attempts and the counselor can help you see how this is a toxic relationship for you.

 

This sounds really awful and I am sorry that you are so torn. Love is a brutal beast. It is tough when those you love can't return it, and worse yet if they hurt you. You have to get over him and leave him. I am honestly really worried about you. The way he treats you is not the way someone who loves you would ever treat you. I refuse to believe that there is one right person in the world for me. If this were true the probability that I would find him would be slim to none. In this vein, while you are madly in love with him, I refuse to believe that there is not another guy out there for whom you will be equally attracted.

I don't know what your situation is but I would really encourage you to get professional counseling. I know the thought of spilling your life to someone you don't know is daunting , but it is challenging the same way coming out is, and you were able to do that, so I know that you the personal fortitude to do it. All counselors are bound by confidentiality. Most schools have counseling services, as do universities, both of which are free, and many insurance companies cover counseling for a small copay -- if you are worried about using your insurance because you are still on your parents, I would suggest talking to an office directly when you make your appointment to see what can be done about concealing the charges. I spent a lot of time in counseling and can tell you that it is really a powerful tool to empower you and make your life better. If you have any questions about what it is like or about the logistics of find a counselor, send them my way. I am so concerned about you.