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I need help

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by zizo, Jan 17, 2012.

  1. zizo

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    Hi,

    I am not sure why I am writing this post, but I am at a tipping point in my life and I need help.

    I have reached the mid point of my life and I have come to the realization that I have managed to royally mess up my life and myself. I have always known I was gay, but I am Arab so this is a conservative culture and not accepted at all. Growing up I suffered from depression and low self esteem. I was confused and had no one to turn to. So I basically did the only thing that seemed logical at the time which is to isolate myself from the world. I am 37 and practically a virgin. I have never been in any kind of relationship (straight or gay). I have lived of life that is of little consequence or value.

    Things changed 4 years ago. I entered a very difficult phase. Something inside of me broke. In the beginning I really did not understand what happened, but I had a nervous breakdown. At first I fell back into my old patterns and tried to distract myself with work or something else. I started exercising. But not normally, I was manically exercising. To the point of destroying my joints. Just punishing myself. I went through a phase of maybe 2 or 3 years where I was in a vicious circle of depression, mania and sporadically having nervous breakdowns.

    The person that I was, the lies that I told myself to survive no longer work. What is worse is that I am homophobic. I live in a homophobic world. I have friends, I have family. Yet everywhere I look when the subject of homosexuality comes up it is spoken of as a sickness a disease. To be gay is unnatural, unholy, unclean. Does this mean I am an unholy disease?

    All I want in this world is to be normal. I want to marry, raise kids, and be like everyone else. I did not ask for this. I do not want to be like this. I have spent the last 3 years trying to convince myself I have not tried hard enough to get the Gay out of me. If I marry I can make it work. But every time I meet someone (setup by family) I sabotage it. I just do not have energy to lie.

    I have been therapy and have come out to my therapist. I am trying to work through this.

    I have known some really dark days. I have been suicidal. My soul and spirit is thread bare. I am exhausted. I feel like I have been running like a mad man, but I have been running in circles so I have not really made any true progress. So my biggest fear right now is that I will always be stuck in this place and that I will never get to the other side.

    Right now all I see is my anger, hurt and depression. I am not sure what the future holds or if I have the courage and strength to face it or make the right decisions.

    I truly feel lost.
     
  2. Uniboth

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    Man... I'm sorry! Stay focus though and always try to be an optimist!

    Is moving a possibility? Perhaps to a more forgiving country?

    To some extent, I know how you feel because I, too, live in a society that sees homosexuality as a disease. Despite this, I've learned to accept my reality and re-prioritized my values. It helps because now I know what I need to do in order to eventually find happiness without the burden of regrets.

    For instance, I am now 25 and have decided to spend the next ten years of my life making my parents' life as happy as I possibly can, because I want to and they deserve it. I don't plan on coming out to them because I don't want them hurt and I know they can't accept my sexuality - to no one's fault (I believe acceptance is part of development - it'll happen eventually). After, it's all me...nothing will come between me and my search for happiness and, perhaps, my rights!

    My point is, as corny as this may sound, I hope you can learn to love who you are. Only then can you figure out what it is that you need to do to be happy! I hope that you are able to go out and search for the things you need and be able to leave an untenable situation behind.
     
  3. Ianthe

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    Hi, zizo, Welcome to Empty Closets.

    It's terrible you're having such a difficult time. (*hug*)(*hug*)

    I think it's very important that I ask you--is your therapist affirming of your sexual orientation? Does he (I'm assuming "he") try to help you to accept your sexuality or to change it? Therapy intended to help you change your sexual orientation is often very harmful.

    Therapy to help you accept (or embrace) your sexuality, on the other hand, can be very beneficial.

    You are neither unholy nor a disease--your sexuality is an inherent and natural part of you. Attempts to change it are bound to fail. If you can work toward self-acceptance, that will make the biggest difference in how you feel.

    It's common for people in homophobic cultures to believe that homosexual feelings are sordid, and that they are merely sexual rather than romantic. But actually the only difference between homosexual feelings and heterosexual ones is that homosexual feelings are directed toward same-sex people. Gay men are just as capable of having healthy, loving romantic relationships as straight men, and they have the same feelings about their long-term partners that straight men have about their wives.

    I hope you stick around EC and we can help you some more.
     
  4. zizo

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    Hi Uniboth / Ianthe,

    I appreciate your support. Its been a difficult road that has lead to this point. It feels like I have been on a roller coaster and no matter how hard I try I cannot seems to get off it.

    Uniboth. I am finally coming to the conclusion that my biggest problem is self acceptance. I have spent so many years hating myself and I have grown so used to isolating and punishing myself that I have completely distorted my image of myself. Even if I were straight, given my current emotional state I would not be able to sustain a relationship.

    I cannot seem to get into a consistent rhythm of thinking. Some days I think I can be straight, others I want to be gay and others is filled with self loathing and so on.

    The worst part of it is, that these last years I am coming to terms with who I am, I have been acting out in my work and family life. To the people around me it has been very strange and confusing. I can't share any of this so I look like a crazy person to the people around me. It is very lonely. It hurts.

    Ianthe, the therapist that I have been working with is wonderful. She is very accepting of who I am and has been trying to get me to open up and embrace it. If anything she has been trying to "corrupt" me. Suggesting that I try to date and explore the gay sexual side of me :slight_smile: I on other hand have been trying to convince her in our sessions that I can change myself to be straight.

    As I mentioned in my earlier post, I am 37 and practically a virgin. Sex in my mind is confused. It has a lot of guilt and shame attached to it. I have tried sex only once in my life. That was on Sep 18th 2010 8pm in Dubai. I hired an escort to try sex. I am not proud of this, but at 35 (at the time) I needed to try it. I actually thought if I had sex it would make me straight. Did not quite work out the way I thought it would.

    I have been committed to my self discovery. But what do you do if the world that you live in does not accept you? If who you are brings shame and hurt to the people that you love? I have looked at this 100 different ways in my mind trying to make it work and it doesn't.

    What upsets me is that I am alone in this.
     
  5. KneeDragger

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    I think self acceptance is exactly the problem here. You've been trying to make yourself straight all of these years and haven't been able to do it. You need to accept who you are. At this point, society and culture doesn't matter. It's a matter of bringing peace to yourself. Once you can accept yourself, you can then determine how best to go forward. But continuing to fight yourself is only going to result in more pain and turmoil in your life.
     
  6. Tracker57

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    Zizo: My heart breaks for you. Although I am not from a muslim society, I am from a christian background that has the same idea and concept of homosexuality. I did marry a woman out of cultural pressures. Do I love her? Yes. But being married did not "cure" me. For many years I blamed myself or others because of my feelings. With the help of my therapist, I looked back and realized that I have always been gay. That is the way God made me. Remember that there is a difference between your feelings, which are natural and not abnormal, and acting on your feelings. Depending on your religious beliefs, you may feel that the homosexual acts are wrong. I don't want to change your convictions. But if you can express your sexuality with another man without having guilt, it appears you need to sever your ties with your community. It is never good to live a double life or to live a life of lies. You must be honest with yourself and with others.

    A therapist should not pressure you to do something contrary to your religious or ethical principals. But you will only find peace when you accept yourself--when you really love yourself as a gay man.

    Being gay can really be a blessing from God. Free yourself from the guilt of your feelings. Look at how you have become unique and specially gifted because of the way God made you. When you stop fighting, you will be happy.

    Tracker
     
  7. Lexington

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    Zizo - welcome to EC! And all other ECers wondering when the gargoyle was going to show up and give Zizo "the house speech" can stop wondering now. :slight_smile:

    Zizo, say you live in a house built for really short people - people just over a meter tall. So the counters are really low, and you can hardly fit into the shower. And you keep scraping your head on the ceilings and banging your head on the doorways, and you have to curl up really tightly into a ball just to fit into the bed. You might start thinking "If only I weren't so tall, my life would be so much easier."

    But see, the problem isn't that you're too tall.
    The problem is - you're in the wrong house.

    You, zizo, are in the wrong house. :slight_smile:

    I'm gay, just like you. I was a bit slow to figure that out, but once I came to the realization, I didn't spend any time trying to "pray the gay away", or sleeping with women trying to "go straight", or anything like that. I just said "Well, I guess I'm gay". I told those closest to me, and they were for the most part accepting. I spent some time in a rather isolated part of the US (for work), but once I got back to a larger city, I started dating. I had sex with a couple guys. I met one particular guy, fell in love, and we've now been together for 14 years. I've got a couple great jobs, plenty of friends (gay and straight) that run the gamit from rock musicians to professional athletes. They all know. They don't care.

    And I don't think, intrinsically, there's much difference between you and me. The only difference is - you're in a place where one (presumably) can't do what I did. That path isn't open to you there. In essence, you're stuck in that small house. And you can't "go straight", any more than you can shrink down a meter so you can move around easily in that small house. Which means you only have two real options.

    1. Accept the fact that you're stuck in "the small house". That you're a gay man in a place where one can't be gay.

    2. See if you can get out of that house, and get somewhere where you CAN be gay.

    I don't know enough about your part of the world in general (or your specific case) to give any more advice than that. The fact that your therapist would encourage you to date and explore your sexual side suggests that it might not be as impossible as all that. It may mean just moving to a larger city, or perhaps a neighboring country. I have a friend who has very strict Catholic parents, and he moved several states away. Now he's dating, and having sex, and far happier. And his parents...well, they may or may not know. He doesn't tell them. He feels it's none of their business. And, in essence, he's right. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  8. insidehappy

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    wow, i feel like i wrote this but i didn't. all i can say is a question that i will pose to you. you are 37, has all of this been worth it? this is not saying give up on life, but it is an encouragement to live your own life. you have put 37 years on hold for someone else, for family for friends, for the kids in high school, for coworkers for all these random people that are living their lives, falling in and out of love, having sex and being abstinate, having kids, etc. they are living their lives and you have decided that because of the fact that you like men and you can't control that you will give up your life and be a zombie that merely walks through it so everyone else can be happy with you. that is not worth it. you have the right to love, to be happy, to feel sad when your heart is broken, to feel joy when your heart skips a beat, to feel all human emotion. you are not a disease, you are not a unholy person. in fact think about it.... are all teh other so-called holy people abstaning from sex, persecuting theirselves so they can do what they think is right??? NO they aren't. you are trying far harder than they are to stay on teh straight and narrow and look at the result. you're empty inside and hollow.

    i'm not saying you need to run out there and get a boyfriend or have sex. no do not do that. you're not ready for all of that anyway, but you can start today to look in the mirror and say "i'm worth it! i'm not a bad person! I'm oK and just because i like guys im not wicked!"

    start tehre, continue to work with teh counselor. and start to love yourself. you have to deprogram yourself of the self hate and self loathing. it's all around you. friends and family and random people will say negative things about gay people and you feel every bit of the comments sting your heart because you are so down and feel so bad and think , "they must be right". but as you start to love yourself, you will start to feel, "they are so wrong, they have the problem not me". i know that doesn't seem like it will ever happen but it will.

    when i finally accepted that liking guys was really no differnt that liking girls and that i didn't make myself like guys, i can't control that, then i stopped hating myself so much. and i stopped thinking i was so different. i was just a human that seemed to like the same sex and big deal.

    then i met other guys that were going thru the same thing and i started to think. "omg, there are other guys like this?" and then i met guys that i would never think were gay and i thought were ladies men but turned out they were in the closet and heavily active with men. then i tought to myself...."OMG, i just uncovered teh biggest lie there is".

    and that lie is that everyone is STRAIGHT or should be straight adn that only "weirdos" are gay. The reality is there are so many people that are on a scale of sexuality and many people are not 100% striahgt or gay and that most of us fall on a scale. So there are guys that have wives and kids and love women and have never done anythign wth a guy but they are just like you and they are attracted to men but will not act on it.

    start loving yourself. you are better than that. you are great, and do not throw the zest of life away just so others can be happy.

    you are only given one life on earth, why donate it to someone else and give them a chance to have 2 when you get zero?
     
  9. zizo

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    All thanks for your advice.

    Some of the advice I am working one, which are the baby steps (trying to accept what I am). Still on baby steps.

    InsideHappy, your response really resonated with me. A lot of the angst that I have been having is because I feel like time is slipping away. I have a group of friends and in the last 4 years it seems like it has been a parade of engagements, weddings and baby births. All around me people are living their lives. Hitting all the important milestones. While I am on the sidelines watching like a spectator. I really do not know how I survived this long -- living like a zombie. I am awakening but it is painful.

    I am trying to come to terms with a couple of things. I am trying to forgive myself for throwing away the best years of my youth. I have been angry at everyone, the world, my parents. Everyone and anyone. I was toxic with anger, it was eating me up inside. I am working on it, and I realize that I need to take responsibility for my choices. I am Arab Christian. I studied and worked in the States for long time. Yet was scared and never dared to explore my sexuality. I did this to myself. I need to figure out a way to forgive myself and let go.

    Of course there is the acceptance of this part of myself, which is tough. It seems harder now, when people make jokes, because I am trying to embrace it. I have to laugh at the homophobic jokes and join in. It sucks bloody hell. I hate it. I have to bite my tongue and not scream at people to try and explain what its like. But I don't.

    I want the fast forward button. I want to skip this part and get to the good bits were I am settled and accepting of myself and have a life where I am happy. I am tired of being miserable.

    Lex, I work in Kuwait. There is a gay community here, but it is underground and quite honestly I do not know where the entrance sign is. I am not sure I want to risk getting caught here with all the risks associated. I get what your are saying. It may seem strange but I do have options. I am Arab American. I am educated (I have a masters degree in Computer Management). I get your analogy of a small house. If I had no ties I think I would stick out another year here and then go back to the States. But the thing that ties me down is my family.

    Family is a big part of why I turned out the way I turned out. I will not go into the full family drama, but there is dysfunction there. We are WASPY (always ignore problems -- which is why I never faced my sexuality). We are codependent. I feel compelled to please them.

    Here is another fact. I have a brother who is gay. 2 gay brothers out of 4 what are the odds? My gay brother is sweet, simple and on the slow side. I think being less analytical makes being gay easier. You do not over think. I am what I am. You accept it a lot quicker.

    Anyway, he is the opposite of me. He has struggled through school, does not work (still looking) and financially reliant on my parents. Yet he had the balls to come out to them. First my dad. I do not know him that well, he is an emotional wall. When my brother came out to him he said that he was supportive, but later when he was talking with me I got to hear exactly what he thought. It was not pretty.

    My brother came back to live with parents for year. They were worried he was drifting and not making progress in his professional life. Lots of things happened. But it came to a head one night. My dad got drunk and his emotions came out. He got into an argument with my brother. He let his thoughts run free. He shouted at him that being gay is disgusting and unnatural, that if he was gay he should do the world a favor and be celibate.

    I got a front row ticket to this show. I did not say a word. Inside of me was this rage. I wanted to scream at him. Tell him what it means to be celibate. What repression had done to me. I did not. When he looked at me I saw the pain in his eyes. He was near tears. It really hurt him.

    My mother could not process any of the information to him being gay. She pretended not to hear it. When he came out to her (in a very passive aggressive way) she first collapsed and made it about her. Then it was like it never happened.

    I basically came out by proxy of my brother. The chicken shit approach. I got to hear and see peoples true reactions when they confided in me. I got to see the pain that it caused everyone. Very depressing

    Many stories I can say about my family. We are not horrible bad people. But we are not healthy or stable people.

    And before you ask. There is no way in hell I would come out to my gay brother. I do not trust that he can keep a secret. I need to get good with this on my own first.

    I guess this is the reason I am on this board. The only way I think I can trust is if I am talking to people who do not know who I am, cannot reach me and cannot hurt me.

    Tracker, I understand your thoughts. I know I would be making a terrible choice my by marrying. Although all I can think of are the kids and companionship. But I have read online stories of gays that marry. Those stories do not seem to have a happy ending. I do not want to trade one hell for another and feel responsible for ruining someone else life.

    Thanks guys for the support
     
  10. Lexington

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    It sounds like you're on the right road. And facing in the right direction. The road might appear long and hazardous, but you see what's at the end. That thing you want to fast-forward to. And no, you can't fast-forward through it. But keep at it. For the future-you. Who won't be able to thank you enough for slogging through it so he could be happy. :slight_smile:

    >>>Many stories I can say about my family. We are not horrible bad people. But we are not healthy or stable people.

    I don't think your family are horrible people. But you don't have to belong to the "we" that are not healthy or stable. You can - you SHOULD - do what you can to get yourself healthy and stable. That may not mean leaving them behind necessarily, but it will probably mean unplugging from the dysfunction. Problems for another day, though. Just know we're here 24/7 - let us know how we can help.

    Lex
     
  11. Uniboth

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    Man... your story! There are so much for me to relate. The family, the dad, the society...

    It's strange to me that you haven't fully accepted yourself, Zizo. To have the will to please the people you love, unconditionally, for so long...that is some strength. It's incredible!

    I've lasted 25 years and I'm nearly at my wits' end. I'm planning to fly to a neighboring country to join an LGBT support group very soon. I don't expect much...just need to know I'm not alone.

    Live awesome! I think you've sacrificed enough...it's time to you take back your basic rights!
     
  12. stilllovelyafte

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    Zizo - another person who can relate to your story. You are doing remarkably well for someone who has had to confront so many obstacles.

    I'm a person who is very fixated on time. Missing out, wasting years, etc. I've beaten myself up for years over taking so long to figure things out. My therapist constantly reminds me of a few things, which although obvious, may be healthy for me to pass along:

    1. You are not at the midpoint of your life - you have far more life ahead of you than behind you.

    2. Stop worrying about the first 37 years, think about the next 37. You have the potential, if you let yourself, for freedom, love, happiness.

    3. People have the tendency to surprise you. I am in no way advocating you share with your family given what you subscribed, but I get the sense the way you are viewed in your community is quite different from your brother. I think the reactions might differ as well.

    Finally, I think EC is a great first step for you, as you become more comfortable with the idea of being gay. Once you begin to accept yourself a bit more, the idea of switching houses, finding the elusive gay scene, or otherwise incorporating your true sexuality into your life will become easier.

    I'll be here to listen.
     
  13. zizo

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    Thanks still lovely. I appreciate your support.

    It's shocking what keeping a secret does to your insides. Some days I feel rotted out.

    Right now I feel like I have two side pulling in opposite directions. There is the side that knows I will never know happiness until I embrace being gay. I have impulses of wanting to just scream it out in middle of a crowded room. I want to unload this weight and be free to be myself. But there is an equally powerful push back reminding me of the pain it will cause my parents, the shame it will bring my family and the disgust and revulsion my friends will have.

    I think I liked it better when I had repressed my sexuality into locked box. I never had to deal with any of the emotions. Now that the emotions are out I feel like a wounded animal. Wandering aimlessly not knowing who to trust and lashing out at anyone who stands to close.

    Is this process the same for everyone? Does the process of coming out overwhelm your life and becomes the sole focus of your thinking? Because right now for me, that seems like that is all that my mind can focus on.
     
  14. Lexington

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    >>>Is this process the same for everyone? Does the process of coming out overwhelm your life and becomes the sole focus of your thinking? Because right now for me, that seems like that is all that my mind can focus on.

    It's certainly not the same for everyone, although I think most of us who went through it can at least empathize with where you are right now. It seems most of us come out when the desire to "live as ourselves", combined with the stress and pain and possible juggling act of pretending to be straight, outweighs any potential issues that coming out might bring. And with some of us, that simply didn't take all that much. We live in more accepting societies, and/or our friends and family have always seemed at least somewhat accepting of such things, and so it didn't take too much on the "it's hard not telling anybody" side to counteract it. I can't say I rushed out to tell my parents - or even my friends - but once I felt pretty sure of myself, I managed to tell them fairly quickly.

    You, of course, have a much deeper struggle. You've been building up the pressure of not being able to tell anybody, and wanting to "be yourself", for...well, decades, in a sense. But you still have so much on the other side of the equation - not just a not-very-accepting society but first-hand experience on how your parents react when a family member comes out. And it sounds like the pressure is building, so I can understand why this thing can feel totally overwhelming.

    Lex
     
  15. Gleeko0

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    I don't get if this kind of tie to your family is due to your culture (i respect that.) or just because its your family, but think again about it! When you are ready, when you finally are comfortable with yourself don't tell me you will not go away from the wrong house. I understand that family is important in our lives, but i myself i don't think i should live to make anyone happy even my family, i know this sounds selfish but for example: I'm not going to not date a wonderful person just because my family would disapprove it because its a guy. They will Always have financial support from me for the rest of their lives, but after my studies and after i have my own job and maintain myself if i want to go away i will (and they all know that already), and i have plenty of reasons for that, mainly because my mom is already not accepting and makes me hear pretty awful stuff, and I'm pretty sure the rest of my family will not be nice too, guess what? I don't care, also, I'm not a liar and soon or late they will figure it out because I'm not hiding my sexuality.

    We had to live away from our family for a big time for a reason that wasn't emotional. My parents and I put that kind of tie in front of money, i don't know about you but i do value the love for my family more than money. And if i could survive far from my extended family for that, i will survive going away and living far from them if they trash me for being who i am.

    I'm sorry if this post is a bit aggressive, its just that if your family is holding you back to go on with your life and be finally happy with yourself and with your surroundings they are indirectly (or directly) doing bad for you, and that is not good because you are unhappy.


    Good luck and i wish the best for you!