Hey , first time poster. A little about me. I'm from a small, rural town and am 22. I have also been in denial for years about my sexuality. I can get 'turned on' by girls that I see but don't want to have sex with them but there is something with girls and I have no idea what is it. For example, if I see a hot girl, I don't think, "I wanna have sex with her", it's more like, "she's hot, I wonder if she's a bitch". I want to be friends and find out". I think that would be the only way sex could happen, I would have to be close to them emotionally. I feel like this is not what every guy thinks when seeing an attractive female. This started when puberty hit and that's when I realized I'm slightly 'different' although not sure in which way. I never really considered guys because I was afraid of what it would mean (aka, I'm not straight) but when I did, I could see myself with guys although I never got that 'turned on feeling' as strongly as I do with girls. However, it is a guy that I can more easily see myself with... Also for most of my life it was straight porn I would watch but rarely pro stuff because the in-authenticity turns me off fast. Although after straight porn, I would be turned off but not after gay porn. I still get aroused by some females though and I have turned down every female that has offered or insinuated sex. For women, I feel like I would have to be well connected emotionally for ANYTHING to happen, but not so with a guy. Although personality plays a strong part too, if it comes down to avg looking and awesome personality, that to me, is much more attractive then hot but stuck up. It has controlled me my whole life by supressing my sexuality and I'm so very tired of it. If you require more info please ask. I am SO confused...
First off, welcome to Empty Closets. Don't worry too much, these things aren't always easy to work out, and take your time to think through it all. And don't be afraid to ask any questions of us here. People are interesting, can be fun to be with. There can be something intriguing about the opposite sex, just because it's different. So if you find there's a girl you find interesting, just get to know her, it doesn't sound like you're interested in having sex with her. For far too long, our culture has defined relationships between the sexes only in sexual terms. But we can actually get along with each other as great friends. That applies to straight men and women together, as it does to two gay men, or to two gay women. But it's worth saying that it's common enough for gay men to have strong emotional connections with women. Anyway, it sound to me like you're probably gay. It was at the same age when it all made sense to me. I think in the teens, our hormones flow around in all sorts of crazy ways and send mixed messages, and then settle in our early twenties. At least for some. Many are definitely and obviously to themselves straight or gay in their teens. I don't think you can judge things just on porn. When I thought I was straight, I used to look for lesbian porn, because it generally seemed less exaggerated, more intimate. Porn by its nature is inauthentic. Try to think, can you imagine yourself having a strong emotional, romantic and physical relationship with another man? Have there been any boys or men you've known growing up whom you found attractive in even something of this way.
Hi, and welcome! The confusion you're feeling is pretty normal as you start to open up to the feelings that you've avoided and denied for so long. Your mind and your unconscious can play incredible tricks on you when you're in denial, and even as you start to realize that perhaps things aren't quite as they seem, it can still be hard to discern which are authentic feelings and which are your mind trying to maintain the status quo. So you're already on the right path of simply being open to see what comes up for you. It seems pretty clear that there isn't a strong attraction to women, given what you've said, so that, plus your response to the gay porn, certainly points in the direction of your having at least some attraction -- and possibly a primary attraction -- toward men. But that's something you ultimately have to sort out for yourself. You've mentioned that in the past you've looked mostly at straight porn. What would happen if you switched it out and started watching a bunch of gay porn? Or, better yet, if you don't watch porn at all for a while and just let your own fantasies in your mind's eye lead you? Doing one or both will help you gain more clarity... if you find that the gay porn (or the fantasies about guys) are more exciting for you... then try doing the same thing with straight porn or fantasies about girls... and see how that's different for you. Try not to judge, or to set any particular expectation about what you'll feel, just experience it and observe. And I think that will give you a good start. The rest will come with time... as you open up to the possibilities and let go of the judgement, then your mind will help you clarify whether you're straight, gay, or somewhere toward the middle of the spectrum.
I find it much more easy to imagine myself being in a relationship with a male than a female, believe me, I have pushed my mind to the limit trying to imagine myself in a relationship with a female. As for the last part, honestly, not so much. I was more or less barking up the wrong tree for years so to speak. I kept trying to find a female I was attracted to which consumed a lot of time. I didn't even really think about it much ucntil the last couple years or so. There would be guys that would catch my eye for whatever reason. This is where some of the confusion is. It feels 'right' thinking/watch gay porn. However it is not nearly as powerful when thinking about certain women, but the reason the women fantasies are so powerful, to me anyways, is because of the intimacy that I already have with them, referring to emotional intimacy. It is almost (or maybe it is) the intimacy that works for me and I don't currently have any male relationships that are that close as some of my female relationships. Although as stated, although I can get sexually excited by the emotional intimacy that I share with women, I doubt I could follow through on it. It's like my penis says one thing but my mind says a whole other. When I get aroused by certain females, I usually just wish it would go away.
