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Attracted to older men

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jski, Jan 18, 2012.

  1. Jski

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    If you read my first post "Relationship with an older man" I'm telling you guys that I'm doing a hundred times better. Him and I had a really good talk about everything and we are choosing to stay apart for both our heaths. The more I think about it, the happier I get thinking that we are creating an unbreakable friendship. :slight_smile:

    Besides that another thing that is bothering me is my attraction to older men (ages 40 - 60, sometimes younger or older depending on sex appeal). It hasn't really been a problem for me until now. I remember growing up being attracted to classmates my own age but that was back in 5th - 8th grade, but at the same time I was still attracted to teachers even more. Now days I have almost zero feelings for people my age and I'm only attracted to older men. I feel like it hasn't bothered me up until now because I have always thought of being with older men as a fantasy and never having to deal with any problems. But now that I'm growing up and realizing that there are real life consequences, I'm just feeling a little bit scared. Here are some things that are bothering me:

    - If I were to have a relationship with an older man, can that destroy my life? If so, how?

    - I feel like I want to be in a relationship but I don't know if it's the actual relationship I want or if it's because I want sex. (I'm a virgin by the way and have never been I relationship besides what I explained in my first post)

    - Is it possible for me to develop feelings for people my own age?

    - I don't want to wait until I'm 45 years old to start dating but I feel like that is a safe thing to do.

    - Is there anyone out there that is roughly the same age as me and is in college that is in a relationship with an older man?

    This isn't tearing me up inside or anything, but it is on my mind quite a bit. I would like to know what is or isn't healthy for me.
     
  2. Lexington

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    I guess I'd want to know your mindset a bit more. What about older guys appeals to you? If it doesn't go anywhere beyond "I find older guys hotter/more attractive", then that's totally fine. (Especially since I'm in that group. :grin: ) But is there more to it than that? Do you picture your relationship with an older guy - be it a sexual one for one night, or a long-term one - to be a relationship of equals? Do you picture the two of you simply dating, moving in, having sex like any two guys might? Or do you picture the relationship differently? With him being the "father figure", and you "obeying" him? Or do you picture him "providing" for you, which you "pay" for with sex and companionship?

    It's those last two scenarios that are often problematic. I won't say it's destined to end up poorly, but it's far more likely to than a standard relationship. That's where most of the landmines and pitfalls are.

    If you actually just find older guys attractive, and you want to pursue a relationship with one - either for a night or longer - then I don't see any reason not to. Just know that the further apart in age you are, the more in "different worlds" you are going to be, and the tougher it will be to find common ground. Your main worries are things like the upcoming calc test, and what you might want to major in. His main worries will be things like making sure he has enough money for retirement, and his prescription medications. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  3. Sunsetting

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    i'm sorry, i'm not your age lol, but i do have some input. i'm glad that it's not eating you alive inside, but here's some insight just from me.

    first, i would recommend that you find out the roots of why you're attracted to older men. a lot of friends of mine who are interested in older guys, like chip said before, it can have to do with issues with their own feelings about their relationship/or lack there-of with their fathers. i don't think a relationship with an older guy would ruin your life, but always finding the roots of an attraction can help you make healthy decisions in any relationship and definitely start giving you different attractions. i think this goes the other direction too, i know a lot of older guys who are interested in younger guys. the same holds for them, what's at the root of it, if it's about them wanting control over a person or a younger guy just finally wanting to be protected and cared for by an older guy, both can be unhealthy for both involved.

    the second thing is to look into why you're not interested in people your own age, it may be discomfort with them, fear that they'll hurt you or feelings like they're not as mature as you. you sound like you are genuinely open about what is going on, so that will help you in dealing with this stuff. you are entering your sexual prime, and dudes 40+ are out of their prime (the truth hurts sometimes lol, but there DEF are benefits with age!)

    if you want something enduring, i would take your time and not worry about rushing into anything, however waiting till you're 45 seems a bit extreme! - i think i'd explode lol...wait a second, come to think of it, i'm up there and i barely date.... lol

    ---------- Post added 18th Jan 2012 at 01:27 PM ----------

    just read lex's and his last paragraph echoed a little of what chip said before... i agree
     
  4. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    you are younger and there are a lot of older men that will want you because of your youth and if you are attractive on top of that, you will be in high demand.

    Here are some potential concerns:

    1. Different life stages. If you are early 20s and you're interested in dating someone that can be your father or grandfather, you have to reallly think about the person that is dating you...why is he single, why is he not dating anyone that is his own age. ask yourself these questions, im not saying people can't fall in love in different age groups but you have to wonder are you merely a "fetish" for this older guy or does he really like you. are you his new "prize" to make him feel young and valued again, or does he really like you. are you the new "hot bod" or does he really like you.....if you feel that his motive is based more on your appearance and sex, then you should not enter into these relationships becaue you will be dumped for the next hot thing later.

    2. things in common: you're in diff places in life, little in common, little that you can relate to other than things that are physical. if the relationship has a basis of physicality, then there's not much else that can grow from that. sure, you can possibly have things in common but its hard to have much in common with someone that is old enough to be your dad or grandfather.

    3. you need to explore why you have a interest primarily in people old enough to be your dad or grandpa. what is this really about? do you have feelings of abandonment from males figures in your life. is this a substitution, do you like the safety and stability an older man can provide. what is it. because this coudl be a "fetish" for you as well. only until you realliy explore why you seem to like this age group, will you be able to answer the question regarding if you can date someone your own age.

    3. this is all new to you. you have not had sex with a guy. you are not even sure if you like sex with men. and what you start off liking is often based on childhood crushes so you try and duplicate that in adulthood or when you first start seeking relationships with guys because that is what turned you on when you were first coming to terms with your sexualitiy, but the reality is, sometimes this is just an initial interest and you later find out, "wow, i never thought i wanted to be with a black guy, white guy, spanish guy, guy my age, nerdy guy, fat guy, and i always i thought i wanted to be with this kinda guy but now i find myself changing to like something i never thoguht i would. this happens when you start to really explore your sexuality and date people. right now, you haven't really begun dating yet so in your mind, you still like what you liked when you were younger, and thats fine, but this could change on you after experiencing that the "crush" is better than the realities.

    i think what you should do is realize that your'e new to things. get to know people. date, try all different types (older, your age, etc.). that doesn't mean try having sex with these people, just see who you may like. give others a chance. you may just want to have sex with an older guy to see what's its like. but it sounds like you have some issues regarding men in your life and needing the love from someone older. why that is, only you know.
     
  5. Jski

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    Well back in first grade my cousin (male and one year older than me) started doing some sexual things to me. At the time I liked it and it felt good, but at the same time I felt like something wasn't right. This went on for four year until I told my parents in fifth grade. Our families dealt with the problem and everything is good. My cousin and I are fine. (No hate for him or anything) I told one of my Xbox Live friends that I have know for a few years about this situation a few days ago. He is in school for psychology. He said that at the age of eight, a nine year old can seem very old and he thought that maybe that is the reason why I like older men. My relationship with my dad is okay. I remember when I was younger I was always afraid of him because he you always yell. I tend to talk to my mother about my problems, even to this day. But my dad and I are fine.

    As to what I see and want out of older men... It depends. Sometimes I see a guy, like my high school principle and think, "OMG! I want that man on me right now!!!" but other times I'll see a guy and think, "That man is extremely handsome and I would love to spend time with him." It just depends on the man. I'm not looking to be dominated or to be supported at all. I feel like I just want to have sex but at the same time, with certain men, I would like to hang out with them, be with them sometime. The men I'm attracted to are more on the masculine side. I guess an easy way to explain who I like are men that don't seem like they are gay. And I like facial hair! I don't know why, bit it's sexy! lol.

    The only reason why I think I'm not attracted to people my own age is because they don't have those traits. I like manly men but not like grossly buff or hairy. I would say I'm more attracted to someones face than anything.
     
  6. insidehappy

    insidehappy Guest

    thank you for sharing and sorry to hear about the childhood situation. that obviously has left some impact on you. i would suggest possibly speaking with a trained professional about these things to uncover how that situation may have impacted you and your current relationships and interests. the main thing is that, for all of us...whether you are gay, straight, have been the survivor of abuse or not, we like people for whatever reasons we like them and that's ok. however, when those reasons have their basis in trauma, insecurity, or some other underlying cause that may need to be addressed, those relationship typically do not end up going well because the interest has more to do with teh underlying issue than it does to do with the person. by all means, you are a legal adult and have the right to be with any other consenting legal adult you choose, but it may be helpful now to do the work to figure out the issue.

    p.s. one could also say that because the cousin was only a year apart in age, he represents being in the same "age category" as you and since that situation left you feeling like something wasn't right, you may have automatically now in adulthood pushed other people in the same age group out because of this. again, a trained professional will be able to help you explore. my advice is to date who you like but also find out the reasons for why you tend to like them. my guess is that it has something to do with some issues that may need to be addressed so that you can have a sustainable relationship in the future. :slight_smile: good luck.
     
  7. NickIsHere

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    Im 14 and sexually attracted to older men ;s
     
  8. Fellow

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    I too am attracted to older men, I do fancy a lot their physical traits as well as their experience in life. Of course I tend to fantasize with them sexually, but I can also imagine myself in a stable relationship, just wanting to take care of each other.
     
  9. greatwhale

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    This is an extremely old thread. Please consider starting a new one.

    As to the question of older/younger relationships, it has been stated here quite frequently in several threads, that these are as a rule not healthy relationships, mainly due to the obvious power imbalance (money, authority, experience) that must, of necessity, exist between older and younger participants.