So back in October one of my friends convinced me to try a dating site for fun. So I finally signed up for one, just to explore. Well I ended up talking to this guy (47 years old) for a few days. I ALWAYS had fun taking to him and chatting about stuff, but whenever I would log off and go do something else I kept feeling like I had done something bad. I felt scared and got knots in my stomach. So after about 3 days it ended up to be too much for me to handle so I told him that I was going to delete my account and just go back to my normal life. I later found out, thanks to the internet that he was 54 and not 47. I deleted my account and things got better even though I kind of missed him from time to time. Anyways a few days ago I decided to go back to that dating site because I was feeling better about EVERYTHING in my life. (A lot thanks to you guys) Last night I saw that he was on so I felt confident and started to talk again. We honestly talked for 5 hours and I couldn't stop smiling the whole time. He makes me feel all fuzzy inside. I confronted him about his age and he told me the truth. That he thought that everyone lied about their age and that he was really 54. Besides that, I felt like I got to know him even more and I felt that he was being honest. (I can usually tell when someone is lying. I must have super powers or something.) After talking for a long time we said good night and I went to bed. Then that feeling came back again, but it's still with me right now. I don't find anything wrong with this man but for some reason there is something inside of me that is saying I'm doing something wrong. (And I tend to follow my gut) I work with my high school band program writing music and drill and helping kids learn how to play and march. I feel like I have a great image in my small community and I am afraid that if people found out that I was seeing a 54 year old man it could destroy that image. Another reason is that I told my mom about this guy (when I first stopped talking to him) and she just didn't feel comfortable with me doing online dating or the fact that he lied about his age. I know that my parents will trust me with ANY decision that I make but I still don't want to disappoint them. Also I don't really tell my dad these things. I don't even know if he knows that I'm only attracted to older men, so there's some fear there too. I guess I just feel overall that something isn't right here, but I don't want to do the same thing as last time and just ditch him because I can't handle my feelings. I don't know... I'm leaving up to you guys. (Off Topic: I have written like 5 pages of stuff since I found this site and I don't even think about it. But when it comes to college papers I can't even right a paragraph without losing interest... Maybe I should just try writing my school papers on here lol?)
I know we live in a digital age and I know a lot of people fall in love online, but I'm personally not a fan...I never know who's on the other side of the screen regardless of what I'm talking about. I'm not on Facebook, Twitter, any kind of social media because my close friends are the people I see everyday and have face to face conversations with. I sound like a hypocrite since I'm on these forums but its more a discussion board than a friend meeting place. Have you met him in real life?
No I haven't met him. And I understand where you are coming from. Online dating sites are scary for me too. I just wish I wasn't attracted to older men and I wouldn't have to go through all of this. It's just causing some stress. I'm 21 and I have never had sex let alone kissed someone so I feel like one of the only reasons I'm doing online dating is because it's my inner 15 year old wanting the things I have never had.
trust your gut. leave the 54 year old alone. no, everyone does not lie about their age. you're 21, he's 54. there's a 33 year difference. you can date older but that's not even in the same cultural ballpark. for you to be in teh same mental and maturity and life stage space to relate to each other one is going to have to act older adn one is going to have to younger. either way, not really a good match. maybe a nice 33 year old would be better for you.
Thank you for your feedback! I really do appreciate it. This is my problem though... I ONLY attracted to men from 45 - 60 years old. I wish I wasn't but am I am so I'm try the best I can to solve this. I don't want to force myself to go out with someone who I'm not attracted to just because it's "more normal." I'm sure there are plenty of 30-40 year old guys out there that are kind and cool, but if I'm not attracted to them I don't want to date them. Is it wrong to want to go out with someone just because they are attractive? Anyways, I feel like my options are: 1) Date an older man now and it could be a good or bad thing. 2) Wait until I'm in my 40's to start dating so the age gap isn't so huge, but then that's 20 more years without dating and or sex. 3) Try to find someone more close to my age, but not having strong feelings for them. I just don't want to miss any opportunities or do something I will regret later when I'm young... I don't want to be 60 and think back and wish I had or hadn't done something. I do like that you told me to go with my gut. That seems to always work, but I do really like this man.
I'd advise caution here, really. Because I am seeing some red flags already. First of all: he lied about his age. One does usually not lie about one's age just "because everyone does it". That's the excuse he use, yes, and maybe he even believes it himself, but I doubt he would have done it if it didn't make him seem more approachable to younger guys. Which could, in turn, indicate that he's just interested in a fling with a younger guy, rather than anything serious. The "but now he told the truth and I trust him" is a tempting thought. I could even buy it if he 'fessed up spontaneously. But instead, the confession only came when you confronted him about lying. It's not entirely impossible that he saw the error of his ways, but it's also very likely that he just confessed the lies you could find out, and took the next fall-back position. Falling for someone can go quick. And it's not an unfun experience. But it is good to take a step back and put this into perspective. You initially talked to him on there for three days. Then took a hiatus. Then took one day of talkng again. Unless I' miscalculating, that's four days (and since you're only talking online, that sums up to a couple of hours). Way too early to say "I always had fun with him" or "he never struck me as lying". All you got was an initial impression. But four days really is not enough to decide on any feeling. So do be careful to not start assuming a level of familiarity that you wouldn't feel for a guy you saw IRL four times over lunch. So yeah, I think that your gut feeling is probably correct in urging caution. Even if your gut feeling didn't, I'd certainly say you should really be extremely careful here. In any case; more general advice on attractions: having a preference is definitely not something to be ashamed of. But two things here: - Don't let having a preference for older guys stop you from associating with gay people your own age. Even if you don't end up attracted to any of them, it never hurts to be open to the possibility. - Don't feel driven to rudh into things just because you feel like you should. You mention wanting to make up for lost time, but that's never a good motivation. So do always try to remember yourself that it's better to do something because you want it than because you feel you're on some deadline that in reality does not exist at all.
Thank you Filip for the advice. I'm being cautious with this man. I'm ONLY planning on chatting with him for a long while until I feel like I do get to know him. I'm finding out that he don't have a huge about of things in common but I expected that because of the age difference. You are right on the "I feel like I trust him" because we have only talked online for about a total of maybe 15 hours. I do believe that most of the things he is saying are true (gun feeling) but I'm still being cautious, and we agreed to take this slow. I have been trying to get to know his background and I have found out a few things. He used to be married and has a few kids. (Over 18 I Think) I asked him how he could be gay and married and he told me that had a perfectly normal marriage up until about 12 years ago and then he just began to fantasize about men. (Young men) I'm just confused about this... Does this thing happen very much? I try not to bother him with his past because I feel like that would be a hard thing to go through, but he has told me multiple times that I can ask him ANYTHING. I'm noticing too that I do most of the questioning. He really doesn't ask me about stuff too much, but when he does, he asks things like, "Are you ticklish?" or, "Do you have roommates?" I'm finding out that he wants sex but I feel that he also just wants someone there. He lives alone and he has told me that he does feel alone a lot of the time because he doesn't have a boyfriend or anything. I don't know... I guess MY whole observation of this entire situation (Lol... I rhymed) is This. I know it's hard to speak for him because I'm just going off my own interpretation of what I think “he” thinks, but I do feel like this man is a good man. I do feel like him and I could be friends and just hang out and we both would love to cuddle on his couch and watch a movie or something (he has told me that multiple times that he loves to cuddle and it's in his "About me" section of his profile) I don't really think that we could ever have a long relationship due to the fact that we don't really have anything in common other than the fact that we both make each other hot, but I would like to give this man some company at the least. Is it wrong to have a friend just to have sex with them and maybe a little company or talking on the side? I just feel like that's not the best thing we could do, even though I don't think it's incredibly bad and because I do find him very attractive and I want to have sex here sometime before I turn 50. He does seem like a good man. Not every person on the internet is a creep. Any thoughts or information will help me.
He's already betrayed you once and you've not even met him in person yet. Don't let your first time be with someone like that, please. Losing your virginity will color every other sexual experience you have for the rest of your life. It can be a powerful emotional event. It needs to be with someone who will respect you and be gentle with your psyche.
It's not that unusual for people to come out after having been in heterosexual marriages. Sometimes, they were in denial before that they were gay. When that's the case, though, they usually realize that they were always gay. It's not usual to suddenly be attracted to young men in your forties when you've been exclusively attracted to women previously. You want him to be the kind of guy you can pursue something with, so you are not really objective. Not everyone on the Internet is a creep, but this this guy sounds like one to me. I mean, it sounds like he isn't even very interested in you as a person. If you really want to meet him, make sure it's in a public place the first time, and be sure a friend knows where you are going and what you are doing.
I wouldn't necessarily say he "betrayed me." He just lied about age and when I asked about it he told me right away. In my opinion, I don't find it that bad. I don't think he was ever intending to hurt anyone because of it, but I do understand where you are coming from. I do agree 100% about me losing my virginity with the right person. But this still doesn't help that fact I'm a very "lustful" individual... I have been craving sex for a very long time and, not to sound like a scumbag but, I want some action... This is what I guess I’m fighting myself with. I'm almost positive that I can have sex with this man, which is what him and I both want. But I don't want to ruin something like losing my virginity to someone I wish I didn't. This is hard for me.... ---------- Post added 22nd Jan 2012 at 01:59 AM ---------- Ok. Thank you for the information on coming out later in life. I just didn't know. Like I said in the post above, I guess I'm fighting with the urge to have sex. I want to because this man is very attractive and I have been holding in for 21 year, but I don't want to do something stupid... I will be EXTRA cautious with this man until I know everything!
OK this is going to be harsh, but I can say with almost complete certainty (backed by having worked with a LOT of people on EC and other places who have been in your exact situation) that there's a very high degree of accuracy to the following. It sounds like you aren't so much looking for unbiased advice as looking for justification that it's OK to date someone almost old enough to be your grandfather. Don't be "EXTRA cautious"... and don't waste time trying to "get to know him." Instead, listen to what everyone in this thread has said. The guy is a creep, he's lied to you, given you bullshit excuses, and, quite honestly, I guarantee you he feels like he's got a "live one' on the line... a 21 year old (to him) kid who hasn't had sex before, who likes older guys, and who hasn't really dated. This is basically a creeper's wet dream. While we're on the topic, I'll also say, not to be hurtful, but speaking statistically, you are likely not the first he's talked to or hooked up with (regardless of what he says to the contrary), and probably not the only person he's talking to presently. A healthy 54 year old is not going to lie about his age, and is not going to be hitting on people young enough to be his grandkids. There's no way that a romantic relationship with somebody 33 years older than you can be balanced and emotionally healthy. Not to mention, any time you're out in public, people will assume you're his son, so you'll always have to deal with either explaining that and getting the weird looks, or playing along and in the process messing with your own self-esteem and self-worth. Again, I'm not trying to be harsh here, just give you a dose of reality. If you honestly find yourself only attracted to people in their 50s and 60s, something is going on that's causing that to happen, and I think you would be much happier in the long term if you, instead of trying to chase guys who are a few years away from Medicare, instead take some time and put your energy into exploring yourself and understanding those feelings. I can guarantee you that if you spend some introspective time, preferably with the help of a good therapist, you will almost certainly end up with a more emotionally healthy relationship. I hope the above doesn't come across as hurtful. My intent is to help you try and avoid situations that have proved very damaging, emotionally and psychologically, for many others in similar circumstances.
Shit... What do I do now?!?! I have been talking to this man almost every single night for a week now... Do I just stop talking to him and never see him again? What do I say that isn't, "Some people think your a creep and so I can't ever talk to you ever again..." I feel bad now... Why am I SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!
