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Parental Impasse

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Marlowe, Jan 20, 2012.

  1. Marlowe

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    I sent a letter to my parents before Christmas coming out to my parents. My mom read and decided to not show it to my dad, who had unbeknownst to me lost job just the day before. While I didn’t like this, I understood her decision that our family needed him to concentrate on finding a job and he didn’t need any extra stress. We all thought he would find a job fairly quickly, but now it has been more than a month and still no job. He hasn’t taken this very well and is frenetic and irritable these days.

    I am going home this weekend for my mom’s birthday, and so on one hand, I feel the need to finally survey what is going on and confront my mom and/or my dad. I feel like this holding me back from coming out to other people who are more closely linked to my family because I want my dad to hear it from me or my mom (this is nonnegotiable). In truth I don’t think that he will take the news that badly. But on the other hand, I recognize that it is my mom’s birthday (the big six-oh) so I shouldn’t rain on her party and my dad might not be in the best place to process this.

    I don’t really know what do. On one hand I feel like I have a self obligation to pursue my own happiness, but on the other hand I feel obligated to my family because I love them and I need to consider what they are going through right now as well. Any help sorting thing out would be much appreciated, both what I should do and if I decide to do something what I should say.
     
  2. insidehappy

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    let mom have her bday without the drama or potential drama that may ensue if you come out. dad could blow a gasket and also question mom as to why she hasn't told him in a month and a half. this is also a milestone year for mom. 60 is a big deal. sure you wanted to come out during Christmas but it only 1/2 way happened because dad lost the job. my suggestion is to go home. if mom wants to bring it up, then go for it. but i would not say bring it up to her or dad during this time unless one of them talks to you about it. then i would wait and call dad another time and discuss with him directly. there's always going to be "not such a great time" but i'm not sure doing this on someone's bday is a great idea.
     
  3. thinkpink

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    Hey, I think it's fantastic that you are considering what is going on in your parents' lives as well as your own. However, I will say this, if there comes a moment where it just seems right to talk openly to your Mum or Dad, please take that moment. 3 years ago, I kept putting off coming out to my mother due to my Grandad's illness and changes in her work, I was starting to think the right time would never come. In the end, the moment came when we were visiting Grandad in the hospital and he told me he was so proud of who I was, so I plucked up the courage to tell them both! I felt so terrible for making that moment about me- but I knew that however inappropriate it could seem, it had to be that very moment. If you get that feeling, I honestly think you should go with it! Hope this helps, good luck!
     
  4. Ianthe

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    I actually think you can tell your dad this weekend, just make sure that there is some time that is designated to be all about your mom, and keep the focus on her for that time. It doesn't have to be the whole weekend--it's okay for you to take care of your own needs, too.

    Rather than not telling your dad right now, it might be that you need to tell him even more. Having a secret this big from him creates an emotional distance between you, at a time when it might be important for him to feel close to you.

    Arrange some time alone with your dad at some point--preferably doing something that he likes, maybe something that he used to do with you when you were younger, but something that will allow you to have a serious conversation. (This would be on whatever day you aren't celebrating your mom's birthday.)

    Take the opportunity to reflect on things that you appreciate about him. What are all the things he did right with you, as your father? Many people, and men especially, tie their sense of self-worth up in their work. It would be really good to remind him right now that he is worthy and valued for other things. Every father is different, so I don't know exactly what you should bring up--but it should be specific things he did with you or for you, that meant something to you.

    Then tell him that, because of how important your relationship with him is to you, it's important to you that you still feel close to him, and you don't want to have big secrets that you can't tell him about--you want to be able to share the important things in your life with him.

    And then you come out to him.
     
  5. jsmurf

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    Your need to find harmony between personal happiness and family expectations echoes my own situation. In my case, I was about to come out to my parents the day after New Years: They had just returned from a two-week trip to Mexico (their first vacation in 5 years in fact), and similarly I didn't want to strain their emotions in the months leading up to, and during their much-awaited "honeymoon" anniversary... Of course, I never truly summoned the nerve to tell them. It's just too hard.


    Doesn't your mom already know you're gay? Or did I misread something from your prior post?
     
  6. Sunsetting

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    wow man, good question. continue to be sensitive to the situation. we have to be mindful that it takes time for our parents to come to terms with this. you've had time to digest it and your dad especially has a lot on his mind right now...thinking of how he's going to support the family, himself as a provider etc...he is going through a lot.

    i am touched that you are sensitive to the fact that there is a lot more going on here and there are definitely better times than your mom's birthday to touch on this subject. that being said, i would make it a goal to support them as best as you can this trip rather than see if you can tell them. give yourself some time to where this can be properly dealt with and you all have the time to focus. there's really no rush.

    ****

    now i am reading that it's already the END of this weekend.....

    WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!??!?
     
  7. Marlowe

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    Thanks for taking the time to read it. Well, it sort of got taken care of since my dad got a job offer on Friday evening, which is an incredible relief to us all especially since it seems to be a pretty good situation. I didn't bother to bring it up and we had a great party for my mom. I talked with her afterward and she said that she's going to talk to my dad this week. So: all's well that ends well. I always seem to panic most just before things work out. All of this is a relief to me because once my mom tells my dad I feel like I can finally come out to friends that know my parents well.

    So I guess this it. I can finally check both parents off the list, and with that I am free! It is amazing to finally come to come to the climax of this journey.
     
  8. thinkpink

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    I'm glad everything seems to be working out for you!