I feel as if I can't fall in love or have a crush on someone who is my friend. Also when someone gets too close to me, I tend to try to distance myself from that person, and I don't know why. Normally, I don't let myself have a crush on someone because I assume everyone's straight, even if they are flamboyant or effeminate, to protect myself from being hurt. But I have had a couple of crushes. I had a crush on this really cute guy that I didn't really talk to, but we eventually became friends. When we became friends, my attraction towards him disappeared completely. And it wasn't like I found out something about him that I didn't like, quite the contrary, we had a lot of things in common and he was a really nice guy. I think it has something to do with some past experiences, where a crush ruined some friendships. When I was in middle school, everyone thought I had a crush on this girl I was friends with, with who I got along pretty well, we used to study and do homework together a lot. Everyone teased me (in a playful way, not a mean way) because of the alleged crush, and it really hurt my friendship with her. To this day it is still very awkward to talk with her. Then on high school, my female best friend developed a crush on me. She was kind of obvious, and even told one of her friends. This also ruined my friendship with her, and we don't talk much now. I'm not worried about this in the short term, since I won't be dating anytime soon, but I'm more worried towards the long term. What if when I start dating, I meet this great guy, but when we get to know each other my attraction towards him fades?
I know how you feel about not being able to feel attracted to someone who's a friend, and about distancing myself from others who come too close for comfort. I definitely am one of those who is afraid of being hurt, but it's not from a bad experience of mine--it's from others' experiences. The latter happened to me at least once, when a guy I knew in high school wrote a rather long email apologizing to me rather more profusely than would be normal about canceling some event that wasn't even a big deal. I remember being so dumbfounded after reading it that I didn't respond to it. After this happened, I was afraid to look him in the eye. Since then, every time I perceive someone to be trying to penetrate my "bubble", I distance myself or withdraw. It sounds like you either haven't found the right person who you feel completely comfortable opening up to, or that you aren't ready to open up or get close to people quite yet after your negative experiences. I'm sure that this will change as time goes on, as sooner or later, if you want to find a boyfriend, you're going to have to allow yourself to let down your guard. Good luck!
