I am going to make this long story as short as possible. My first real guy friend was Chad [name changed]. We met and started hanging out in the sixth grade. Chad was the first person I had sleepovers with. During our freshman year of high school, I was discovering my sexuality the same time he was getting thin. I found myself attracted to him. About a year later, when I came out to him, he said he was fine as long as I 'didn't have a thing for him.' I said I didn't. I lied. Eventually I developed a lust-love for him, even though he is not even that great of a friend. After dealing with a few years of unrequited love [I even stupidly told him], I eventually wrote a song about it, and got over him. Problem solved, or so I thought. Later I find out he identifies as pan-sexual. I asked him about it. He says he doesn't see me that way. Great, it went from 'I don't like men' to 'I don't like you'. *Much* better. Still I was over him. I find out he would prefer to have been born a woman, but doesn't want surgery. He identifies as androgynous. Mkay. Then one night in August we end up watching shemale porn on his ipod. We ended up having sex with him bottoming. I finally had sex with my straight guy crush. I never saw myself as a top. Afterward he said I couldn't tell anyone. I told my friend Leif the morning after . It freaked me out. Mostly the part where we didn't make out. He wasn't affectionate at all, and was basically using me. This has happened twice more since. After the second time we talked about it, and he said it is just sex. I suppose I'm fine with it. I do get sexy times out of it after all. I just don't like how cold it is. I am not even sure what I'm looking for by posting this. A 'you're not crazy' would be nice. I just want input on the situation. What do you guys think?
Sounds like a 'booty call' to me. As long as your having fun and enjoying yourself, go for it. Many people have had these kind of relationships. If you find that it is detrimental to your emotional well being then cease the relationship. Plus, someone you actually like will come along and this guy will be scenery in your rear view mirror.
I think maybe you need to take a step back from the situation and view objectively. This guy sounds conflicted and scared to me, having been there myself and met others like it in the past. This is difficult and I understand were your coming from in the crush department, I had a real heart-rending crush on a pan sexual girl recently (still do in a way) and if she'd offered to 'Jump the gun' so to speak, I would most likely have slept with her. Knowing it is a silly thing to do and knowing that things will not work well afterwards. Attraction does that to you, mixed with hormones and youth, it's a potent cocktail. However I'm glad that it didn't progress that far because I know i'd have gotten emotionally involved and I know I'd have been hurt. I think you should stop sleeping with this guy at the moment. What would be the best thing would be for you to sit down and talk to him gently. Ask him about his feelings about his sexuality and your intimacy. Sex breeds intimacy, whether we like it or not. I'd advise for you to step back and either talk to him or take a break or take a break then talk to him. Life is complicated and painful at times and to me, it seems like this guy needs you to be a friend at the moment, more than he needs a lover. Good luck (*hug*)
Thanks people for the input. It has helped me think through the relationship a lot. I think I'll just avoid sleeping over there for a while. (*hug*)
