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Alone and it's nearly Christmas...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Plgrm43, Dec 23, 2007.

  1. Plgrm43

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    Hello all! I hope your Christmas season is well, but I have got to vent here a bit. I don't think I am looking for advice, but I guess I can accept it if you might have some. Today is December 23rd and I am feeling very alone. Firstly, I am alone. Today I sit in my apartment 250 some miles from home. I moved here a little over a week ago because I needed to leave my family. My parents were divorced 4 years ago and since then, my brother and mother, with whom I lived for the past year and a half after failing out of college. Though I stayed in community college, made dean's list twice and am currently accepted into my college of choice. Still, my mom has this irrational fear that filling out the FAFSA again will put the responsibility of the loan on her shoulders (she was "screwed" into paying the interest on my last loan while I was still in school, which isn't true, but don't worry about that right now). To make a long story short, my mom is losing is, my father and I don't speak anymore and my own brother betrayed me. Keeping all that in mind, this past summer I realized I was gay. This is after living most of my years convinced I was straight, being a bit of a playboy, and using people for sex. So I have moved away from a counter-productive environment in order to begin my life anew at the univeristy. And now I sit here totally alone. No friends or family anywhere close. I am worried that I might do something stupid. I have always used sex/jerking off as a means of escape and I don't want to fall into any of those traps. You may ask why I won't talk to a friend about this? Few of my friends know of my situation totally, because most of my friends aren't real friends. The few I have, I can't tell about yet, because I am in love with my best friend. He might feel betrayed if I told others before I told him about my feelings and newly discovered sexuality. I guess I am asking for prayers. It's wonderful to feel alive, but isn't alway comforting to know I feel that way because what I feel is true fear. Pax.
     
  2. Lexington

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    The bad news is that you're at ground zero.
    The good news is that you're at ground zero.

    Here's where you start rebuilding your life, from scratch. Making the life you want to make, finding the friends you want, and living it as YOU.

    Go for it. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  3. Tom

    Tom Guest

    i agree with lex, eventho the timing may suck as its christmas and all you now have the chance to do what you want with your life =]

    you are in the college of your choice so it cant all be bad =]
     
  4. Jim1454

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    Hi there. I'm sorry you're feeling alone. This is the worst time of year for people that don't have a big family that they can (or want to) go home to.

    It sounds like you've made some good decisions with your own best interests in mind lately, and there is going to be some sacrifice to go along with doing what's best for you.

    Good luck, and welcome to EC!
     
  5. dhutchid

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    Take advantage of what your university has to offer. Most will offer advice and counseling services that can listen, talk and help you academically if your social life affects your grades. The univeristy will also give you financial support if falling out with family has lead you into dire straits.

    Univeristy clubs also give oppotunities to meet new friends and discover/develop intrests.
    Univeristy is full of like minded people, most will no longer be clique obsessed as was the way in school. Talking to people and being friendly goes a long way.

    If you are going to be on your own at christmas that really sucks. Try contacting your family if you think the problems can be resolve, now is the time of year to do it.
     
  6. Levi

    Levi Guest

    If I had nowhere to go on Christmas Eve I would go to a salvation army food thing (damn you english) and help out. At least you'll feel really good about what you did that day. Just a though, don't know if it's good advice :slight_smile:

    Oh and my family usually says a prayer before christmas dinner and I'll think of you, promise :slight_smile:
     
  7. SpikySpice

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    I agreed with everyone above, be yourself, do what you want

    That's right, Christams is a family time, call your mom, or your dad too... , try to bring back the relationship between you an dhim, dont keep in mind all the bad past, forgive what they have donr for you, what your brother did to you, may sounds hard, but you'll feel warm and free if you can do that

    If you can, be more open and talk to your frinds about your situatation, dont be imtimidated , if they arent your real friends, I hope you can find someone at least. Im just like you, always keep all teh problems to myself, not courage enough to share to people, but who knows, if they can help you out too

    Dont do anything stupid, please, it's almost the end of year 2007. For new year, start a fresh life again, it's ok, we can all start thing all over again as much as we can

    If you cant find enough happyness, yo can celebrate xams on here with us...:slight_smile:

    But I hope things will be alrigth for you, and yes, keep praying, God'll answer you
     
  8. joeyconnick

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    Hmmn... well, I can match your misery, I think, if that makes you feel any better.

    I haven't seen my father for... getting close to a decade now. My sister and I aren't close. My mum, who I was incredibly close to, died last year of cancer.

    If that weren't enough for the feeling alone at Christmas thing, I don't have any other family. I mean I have other relatives but they're strangers who live literally thousands of miles away. My boyfriend of 1.5 years dumped me out of the blue in July and then I was basically forced out of my job. One of my very long-term friends and I don't talk anymore and she's the person I would normally have spent Christmas with in the absence of my mum.

    The rest of my friends have their own family to keep them busy. The wonderful friend I spent last year's Christmas with is across the country this year with her family.

    So... I guess I have some great friends, which you don't have, but you do have the advantage of still being in college--I'm not sure if people realise exactly how much harder it is to forge relationships with people once you're out of that environment. So you definitely have that to look forward to.

    I'm not one to insist people pretend everything is hunky-dory with their family just because it's a family time of the year. But hey, you could not have a mother, right?

    There are always people who are worse and better off than us. For instance, I have some idea of what I'm going to do with my life and I'm not hurting for money, which are both pretty major things to have relatively under control. Somehow you have to find some way to ride through the loneliness, which I know can be crushing. Hopefully what'll help is knowing that things sound very much like they're going to change for the better for you, maybe even in the near future.

    Don't feel bad for feeling alone; it sounds really shitty. But what I try to keep reminding myself is that however much it feels unending, it is very unlikely it won't change, mainly because life is change. It might not all happen at once or as quickly as we'd like, but it will eventually shift.

    One of my favourite sayings is "life is what happens when you're busy making other plans." That can go both ways but I think it's particularly miraculous when it's something unexpected but amazing. And really, we owe it to ourselves to try to stay open to that.

    And finally, I don't think we're ever as alone as we think. I just think we build it into something worse than it is out of fear. So maybe your problem is more being afraid than being alone, and that's understandable. Life can be very scary, especially when it's in the middle of momentous change.

    Maybe you could just tell some of your friends that you're gay, as opposed to being gay AND in love with your best friend. Or you could tell your best friend the short version of the story. One major revelation at a time is usually a good rule of thumb. :slight_smile:

    I feel for you. Most people take having their loved ones close by at Christmas for granted, I think. I know I definitely used to.
     
  9. s5m1

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    It sounds like you are going through a lot, so it is understandable that you would be feeling badly, particularly around the holidays. I too am alone this holiday season. Although perhaps it is hard to see right now, things will get better. You may not be able to see how at this moment but give it some time. There is only so much we can cope with at one time as human beings, and you have a lot on your plate.

    Just as I did when I was going through a hard time, you sound like you are experiencing depression. Many people going through such a tough time will experience it. In fact, at some point, almost everyone goes through a bought of depression. It is perfectly normal and nothing to feel ashamed about. There are things that you can do to help you feel better. First, taking advantage of a forum like EC is a great first step. Talking about how you feel is helpful. You should also consider seeing a psychologist. It is very hard for us as guys to do that, but the results can be well worth it. When I hit rock bottom not long ago and was extremely depressed, I began seeing one, and it has been great. I feel so much better than I did then. The psychologist can also help you with issues of sexuality that you may be going through. In case you are worried about privacy, there are VERY strong privacy laws in this country about mental health records and counseling. It is almost impossible for anyone to gain access to these records. Your university likely has a department that offers free, or nearly free, counseling to students. Take advantage of it!

    If you are not into exercising, you should start. Go to the gym, lift weights, run, bike, or do whatever else you enjoy. It will be very hard at first but force yourself. That alone can help depression greatly (not to mention the other health benefits). Most universities have great gyms for students.

    You made a very brave, and no doubt difficult, decision to move. Of course, now that you have moved, you are alone. In a university setting, there is a whole new world of opportunities available to you. However, it will be up to you to decide whether to take advantage of them. If you enjoy a particular sport, join an intramural or club team. Join a club on campus centered around something you are interested in. Do some volunteer work. Get involved in student government. Or, do something else that you think you might enjoy. Try it. If it is not for you, try something else. The key is to initially force yourself to do this and then get active in whatever group you join. I have found this is the best way to meet people when you are new in an area. Also remember, many of these people are also new to the school, so they will also be interested in making friends.

    Lastly, almost every university has an organization for gay students. Check it out. It may be hard for you at first since you are only now realizing you may be gay, but you will be glad you did. When I was your age, I went through some of the same things you are going through now, including sleeping around with countless women. Needless to say, that did not solve anything. I wish I had started working through issues of sexuality then, when I had access to the resources of a university.

    Taking my own advice, even though I am alone, it is a beautiful day, and I am now going out to take a hike.
     
  10. Plgrm43

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    Merry Christmas everyone! Thank you for your support and it means very much to me to hear people care about someone so unconditionally. Christmas turned out pretty well, to be honest, but it seems that before I go on I should clarify something about my college and myself. I am Catholic (and there is no contradictions there with my sexuality and my religion, contrary to popular belief) and am attending a very conservative, Catholic school. I am happy to be here and would want to go no other place for the rest of my undergrad work because it is the intense academic environment I need and love. That being said, there isn't a gay group at the college. If there is, it is probably underground. Even if there is, I wouldn't join it. Don't get me wrong, I do attempt for find any place to mingle with other gay people and whatnot, but a group like that is not the place mainly because they always have an agenda in mind that I could not live or stand by.

    You must take this with a grain of salt at the moment, but though I am admittedly gay, at the end of the day, exploring my sexuality is not for it's own sake. It is to develop myself holistically, and specifically, spiritually. I have had a sort of therapist for many years now, but you might more properly call him a mentor or what the Russians call a staretz. I know what my identity is about, where it comes from and all, it is just a matter of entering into it, and ultimately myself, so that I may continue my path. This is part of the reason I have been a member of EC for a while now and rarely post.

    I have identity issues that many people have that post on here, but there is something missing that I haven't seen with others. I could call it my faith, but I feel like it's something else. Forgive me for thinking "aloud" but it's difficult to be gay and Catholic. The medium is rarely out there, though thanks be to God I found a priest with experience and deep wisdom, but I still am so troubled. This culture offers me two choices... 1 - be gay, fight for gay rights and the rest of that or, 2 - be gay and shut up because Christians aren't gay (which is BS mind you). In essence, I am living that medium, being gay and Christian. I am content with myself and understand how my faith and sexuality will interact, it just doesn't make things easier. It seems like such a lonely path, but no man is an island. Anyone who has dealt with this before, I would love to hear how your experiences went, good or bad, but keep in mind this is not a post to begin a religious argument. Pax.
     
  11. Alexander

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    I'm also a catholic. The more I look at what the Church has said about being gay, the more I recognize that there are people who accept GLBT people like us within the Church, as individuals. Unfortunately, the attitude of the Vatican and the catholic fundamentalists are unacceptable in many ways - hopefully this will change in the near future. Since I'm homeschooled among a christian (albeit protestant) community (about 88% of the local population is either Baptist, Methodist, or Episcopalian), I see both sides of the spectrum becoming more and more separated. There are people who openly bash gays, those who openly accept them, and those in between, asking us to be quiet about our "abhorrent lifestyle". All we can do is be compassionate to their unacceptance of their family, spiritual and otherwise. I see great things in the future, and maybe even a chance for us to be able to bring our boyfriends and girlfriends to Church like everyone else.

    here's some links I found helpful, J.I.C. :grin:

    http://www.dignityusa.org/faq.html
    http://www.dignityusa.org/ourchildren.html
    http://www.usccb.org/dpp/Ministry.pdf
    http://www.dignityusa.org/qv/index.html
    http://www.nacdlgm.org/
    http://www.gaychild.com/
     
  12. Quitex

    Quitex Guest

    Oh, I so had a horrible Christmas Eve, it was THAT horrible, I went to bed at 8:00 PM. I was alone and crying. My Dad didnt helped at all, yelling at me because "I messed up the kitchen" (I just moved some old stuff from there to the "old stuff room", ugh english XD) so I spent an hour cryting then I went to bed. Really being at the bottom made me realize who am I and that I dont have te be let down by my own family, but its not that easy. Since I need their economical support for finishing school, I can't tell them anything.
    I envy you guys ~~in a good way. I am Catholic but I can't stand to be... gay. My catholic instruction had shown me its not good, even though I want to believe its "Good to be Gay", I mean, there is no problem at all. But then I keep feeling guilty (worry not, working on it. There is no reason for feeling guiltyness [sp?] for who you are)
    And well, What I wish you is a wonderful new year. As Lexington said, you're in ground zero. You can decide how high your success is. Just have confidence in youself and think before you act. And visit us! (even though I have less than one day here, I feel accepted in this family :O! )
     
  13. Plgrm43

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    Don't let other Catholics tell you that it's wrong. That is not the case at all. In terms of sin and immorality, it can certainly lead one down a bad path, but that doesn't make you a bad person. You are a good person, a good man. Whoever told you that being Catholic and gay don't mix is a fool. They don't get it. God's love grows and penetrates us IN SPITE OF our flaws. Pray for help and guidance and never give up hope. Hope is sometimes all we have.
     
  14. Ty

    Ty Guest

    Are you saying that being gay is a flaw?
     
  15. Quitex

    Quitex Guest

    I said, I'm working on it - LOL

    (&&&)
     
  16. Plgrm43

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    Yes and no. Catholic philosophy on this one clearly states that there is nothing intrinsically evil about being gay, but insofar as it may lead to sinful acts, it is a "disorder." Be careful how one takes that word. Disorder doesn't mean bad, just that it is in an improper order which can lead one to sin. Nor does it mean that it should, can or will be "re-ordered." So in one way, it could very well be a flaw if it leads one away from the Church and Christ, yet it can be a great strength through sublimation or ministry or something to that affect, in that it is direct towards and by the Gospel.