Last night I was hanging out with my friend and his cousin, Alex. When we were alone, my friend Marco confirmed to me that he viewed no change in our relationship when I came out to him and said that he felt comfortable because he sensed no attraction from me. He brought up that his cousin would be cool with my sexuality because, "he had a friend who he said came out to him and he was cool about it". He also relayed to me that my brother has been going around telling people he (Marco) is bisexual. I laughed it off to my brother being desperate to spread more lies about people. Then, we picked up his cousin. We went to get gas, and Marco went inside to pay. I was alone with his cousin in the car and in the course of talking, I made an off color joke. One that, if you didn't know I was gay, it might send up your red flags. (I don't remember it specifically). Alex asked me - almost like in a single breath "Are you gay? Are you and Marco gay together?" I said "Where did you hear that? (after all my brother's been going around outing me to people and making up stories that aren't even true) "Marco told me he's bisexual....(At this point Marco starts coming back toward the car)...Don't tell him I told you I don't want him to think I blew up his spot." Marco's said that he only really trusts a few people - Alex is one of those people: they're practically brothers. This makes me question if it's true or not, and if it is, how to handle the situation. It sounds like it could be a joke, it could not be. If its true, and Alex really did out him to me, that's really screwed up on his part. There are several signs that point to it being true - anytime a gay joke is made at Marco's expense, Alex generally laughs in a (I believe) Knowing kind of way. Alex is generally a laid back kind of guy. I know the guy and theres really no penchant for dramatics or BS stories in his personality. So why would he say something like this - and sound pretty serious about it? My brother sees him once in a while, so it's possible he's passing on rumors - but Alex knows my brother is a liar, that his words should be taken with a grain of salt, so I don't see that happening. Is Alex playing some kind of joke on me? I feel like I shouldn't tell Marco what I've been told. If it's true it has the potential to cause a fight between them, and I don't want to get in the middle of their relationship. But I also don't want to live a lie - if I know my best friend is gay or bisexual its unfair not to tell him. But I put myself in his shoes and I can see myself at a certain stage in my coming out - I wasn't comfortable telling my gay friends, so that may be the case here. If it's true, it represents a serious breach of trust on Alex's part. How would you fine folks handle this? My brains been racking about it since last night. Does it sound like Marco's really gay or bi to you guys (at least based on the info I've relayed to you)? Should I ask him about what his cousin said? Or should I just leave it?
Well, it's hard to say, really. All you have is hearsay, and the impression that it isn't impossible. Let's assume for a moment that he is and that Alex outed him to you. That would be rude, on first sight, but it might also be just misinterpretations of the situation. Sometimes, it seems that a lot of straight people seem to assume that gay people are out to each other by default. Or at least that's how a gay friend of mine got outed to me. I came out to a mutual friend and she immediately went "oh, so that's why you and [common friend] get along so well! You weren't perchance his mystery date he talked about last week?" Only then, when my face was already contorting into "say what?" mode, she figured out her mistake. I don't think she was a bad friend for that, though. She would have guarded his secret with her life. But finding out I was gay too just seems to have cause her to make a profound error of judgement. So it could be like that here (or that's my guess, at least): Alex is a good friend, but he assumes some kind of gay hive-mind where there isn't one. And by the time he noticed, it was too late to take it back. In any case, I think that, in a similar situation, I'd stay quiet. Marco knows you're gay, and assuming he isn't straight either, if he's not ready to come out, he's probably doing just what you (and I, for that matter) did: testing the waters. Trying to be comfortable in the presence of a gay guy to get more comfortable with himself. You can drag him out, yes, but it might be best to just be his cool gay friend for a while, until he's comfortable enough to come out.
Thanks for the advice, Filip. I responded but somehow my post got deleted. Marco's a great friend to me. If he's bisexual, I want him to progress to a level where he's comfortable enough to tell me himself. If he's straight, and Alex was lying to me, then I have unrealistic expectations about Marco now. Not that it matters one way or the other, but I'll subconsciously view certain things he says in a different light. Is it wise to ask Alex again? I want to know if this came really from Marco's mouth or if it's another rumor my brother (whom Alex is also friends with) started. I also don't want to appear interested in Marco - he told me personally that he kept hanging out with me after I came out because he sensed no attraction from me. What's the best way to get all this across?
Just let it be and let Marco tell you he's bisexual (if he is) when he's ready. If your brother or Alex is playing a joke on you, bringing it up again will only encourage them to continue with things like that. Make sure to be vocal about your support of bisexuals, and be clear that you believe that bisexuality is a real thing, when Marco is around. Bisexuals are often on the receiving end of bigotry within the community as well as outside it--you being gay does not automatically make you a bisexual ally. If you are clear in your support, he may be more likely to come out to you.
