First of all I am so grateful this site exists. I am a cisgendered female, 26 yrs old, living in the US, and I am bisexual. I am about equally attracted to women as I am to men, as well as transgendered people. Problem is I have only been in only one, very short-lived relationship with a woman, and it ended badly. That was years ago. I am in a LTR with a man whom I love very much, we have been dating for 7 years (crazy, I know!) and we live together. My BF and I have plans to travel the world, possibly teach abroad after he finishes university (we both started college late). I am worried about our commitment, though, because I am extremely attracted to women. I feel limited because I am in this monogamous relationship. My BF and I have dabbled in polyamory but my BF is a really jealous type of guy, and I decided it was for the best, for now, to be monogamous. But I wonder everyday what I am missing out on. I find myself more and more attracted to women everyday. Many of my fantasies involve other women. I think if I pursued a relationship with a woman, that my BF might be open to that idea, as he wouldn't see a lesbian relationship as "real" and therefore a threat to his relationship with me (ughh). However I am scared to pursue this because I am extremely inexperienced. I am afraid that any woman I date will laugh at me and my inexperience. I've only slept with two women and the last time was several years ago, very long ago. I also think my status as being in an LTR with a man would decrease my chances of a lesbian taking me seriously. I can see marriage in the future with my BF but these queer feelings I have are making me feel unsure about the whole thing. Like maybe I will miss out on the true, queer me. On the other hand I am scared I might have to break off this 7 year commitment that I have had going, and I don't know what I'd do without my BF. Any thoughts, hugs, advice would be soooo appreciated. <3
Hi queerblucat, welcome to EC, wow a dusey 'right out of the gate' as they say at the track. You love this man and have been serious with him for 7 years. I'd say that calls for a sit down queer chat with your partner, explain all to him, if he really loves you he'll listen and be pleased you thought enough about him and the relationship to bring it up. I'm sure he suspects 'something' is amiss lately, not all guys are clueless in the feelings area. You need to be honest with what you expect of him, a) should he allow you to have a GF without him knowing, as in you just don't discuss it (this might be his prefered way). b) should you all 3 have public times and private times together as in poly? or, should they just be public only. c) should he drop a bomb on you that he'd like to have BF, would you be ok with that? I must say this all should have been brought up a long time ago, doing it now makes it seem like you hold back secrets and that is not good for a healthy relationship looking for the long haul. Good Luck to you and him!!
There is a lesson here: monogamy is not for everyone. I personally have nothing against polygamous relationships because I have seen that they can work. They only get rocky when one person starts becoming jealous. Anyway, I guess it comes down to what you need. Not saying you don't love your boyfriend, but if you require a boyfriend and a girlfriend to be happy, then you should explain that to your boyfriend. For you, there are just some things that he can't fulfill emotionally and sexually that you need a girl for.
