Alright, so I’ll set a little background, I guess – I’m a sophomore in college, currently living with a roommate who I’m out to (basically, I told him, he said it was fine, and we haven’t discussed it since). This arrangement is fine, but next year a group of my four closest friends are transferring from their local community college to the college I’m currently at. They’re still looking/procrastinating with potential living arrangements next year, but they already invited me to be with them if they can find a decent priced 5-bedroom apartment (quite likely). I would normally be ecstatic about this, except: I’m not out to any of them, and they are all hyper-conservative, evangelical Christians. Now, the reason I’m questioning whether it would even be necessary to disclose my sexual orientation has to do with the atypical (I think?) nature of our social group – our ultra-nerdiness combined with the conservative evangelical overtones created a very asexual atmosphere for the lot of us. Any talk of “sexual desire” or interest was completely absent, and even with dating and the like, everything was really kept to ourselves. With how terrifying it feels to even imagine coming out to them, I’m strongly considering the idea of simply continuing as before – keeping it all to myself. The main issues here: 1. Occasional homophobia- It’s been awhile since I’ve been around these guys on a daily basis, but I remember becoming increasingly more frustrated with and intolerant toward their occasional homophobia. It was religious, mind, (essentially saying that even if gay persons are born that way, it ought to be their duty to remain celibate and “act normal”) which feels better than the usual – but I worry about my annoyance toward this becoming worse over time. 2. I’m beginning to wonder if they already suspect me, and I worry that…well, I don’t know – they’ll be annoyed that I’m keeping it from them? (If that makes any sense?) I just get that impression for some reason. 3. I also worry that I’ll still feel as if I’m still in hiding – chained by the expectations of what I assume my friends wish to see. The hope would be that I could compartmentalize my social interactions with them and anything else related to my orientation..but that could easily fall apart.. Basically, I really want to tell them. Hell, a few months ago I sent a pic to one of my friends in which my rainbow bracelet could be seen (hoping that he’d confront me on it, and that would maybe lead to my coming out to them). However, I value my friendship with them immensely, and would be devastated if I came out to them only to have them desert me. I’m thinking that I may just subtly suggest my orientation, by way of that bracelet, say, so I feel like I’m not trapped, but also not directly addressing the issue (despite the uncertainty of what they think of that being highly stressful, I suppose...ugh ). Anyways, that’s my rant for today – thanks for listening if you got that far . Any suggestions or thoughts would be so appreciated. Really just needed to get it all out of my head though..
Shades, It's hard to say in your case. Staying 'hidden' is easy enough, even with roommates. While being considerate of others feelings is one things, you should also be considerate of your own. I remained deeply closeted in college myself. I honestly regret that - there were so many accepting, fun people there...I was just too unsure of myself at that time. The opportunity cost was (1) Me not 'getting it over with' and moving on with my life earlier; thus, still trying to figure myself out at 34. (2) Never being able to take advantage of the huge support groups in college. I'm purposely taking the conversation down the greedy path for you - aside from a degree (which is obvious) what do you want from your college experience? Living in the closet is easy enough, and there's nothing wrong with keeping your secret from your friends (in my opinion). But is that what you want? The only actual advice I could offer is whatever you choose, stick with it. There's nothing worse than moving into a place with friends and then getting into a situation that requires you moving out, tension, forcing them to find a new roommate, et cetera. That sort of situation would definately put stress on friendships.
Crap, meant to say "come out to my friends.." Oh well. Thanks scip. I am taking advantage of support groups, and I'm out on campus, per se - or perhaps "not hiding it" would be a better phrase. Even despite that, though (being..semi-out), I still feel so trapped, so I could definitely see the value in "getting it over with." And the only other friend I'm out to told me much the same thing today (in so doing, increasing the chances that I'll follow through). The next part of what you said though..well, relates to everything in my life, lol - I have absolutely no idea what I want. I send a pic of a clear LGBT symbol to my friend, wanting him to see it, then dismiss the topic when he asks about it; I'm only in college because I felt that was the only choice being offered to me; I've jumped through 3 majors so far and still have no idea what to do; I can't decide if it would be better to come out to these friends before or after moving in (if I move in at all); etc, etc! Bleh...really need to figure myself out, I suppose. But thanks so much for your thoughts, mate. And good luck figuring yourself out too, btw .
