Posted something like this before but it got lost in the forum crash... So I've come out to a few friends, and also a group of gay female friends. But I'm still uncomfortable about it inside my own mind. Sometimes I'll feel fine about it, and good that I'm out to these people. But then sometimes the gay girls will mention something about being gay or whatnot, and I get this internal cringe. I'm still struggling with accepting myself. Is this something that comes with time? I guess I have a lot of internalized homophobia in myself, and I know this. I had to come out though, it was WORSE when I was closeted, and I had so much more stress. Now I'm much more relaxed, and I can tell my generalized anxiety has decreased quite a bit. But yeah...anyone who's been through this...does it just settle down after a while, and you slowly become more accepting of yourself? I know coming out is kind of emotionally exhausting. I mean, I wasn't a basket case or anything when I came out, but I know that in my subconscious I'm still trying to figure it all out and what it means. I'm just on this weird emotional rollercoaster of "this is cool!" to "what am I doing!?"
I'm totally at this stage too! It's like... so weird... I've accepted it... but I haven't, at the same time. I came out to my best friend and that's it for now, I don't plan on telling anyone else for a while (since I don't live with my family, and I'm not close enough with anyone else to feel a need to sit them down and talk about it). Yet... I still feel uncomfortable talking about it, even acknowledging it, even around my best friend. I'm glad I told him, cat's out finally of the bag, etc. etc. but I still have a hard time talking about it to him. I'm very, uh... indirect if I talk about it. I suppose I haven't really fully accepted my identity as "not straight" quite yet, since everyone has always assumed that I was straight (I'm too femme, I guess.) I feel like it's even harder now that I've come out to my best friend, strangely, or maybe I'm expecting too much of myself at once. It takes time, I guess. Are there any LGBTQ groups you can join, maybe? I want to join the GLBTQ club at my school (which my best friend is a part of), but it's been two weeks now since we've returned and we haven't been to a meeting yet. I've been insistent on going (indirectly, of course) and we still haven't gone. Which distresses me a bit. I'm still too intimidated to go by myself! I don't want to use my best friend as a crutch to get through accepting myself, but... I've already hung out with the people from the club a couple of times when I ID'd as "completely straight, seriously, I just like hanging around you guys sometimes" and I'd feel weird just showing up without my best friend and being like, "Hey y'all wassup." But yeah... getting involved with the GLBTQ community could definitely help you, I think, and get you more used to/comfortable with the idea of being an individual in part of that community.
Your discomfort will definitely subside over time. Coming to terms with being gay after a life up to that point of being closeted is not something someone can just "get over" that easily. You're accepting from an intellectual standpoint, but not yet from an emotional standpoint, and that's totally normal. It's a big step in the right direction, and it has clearly already benefited you in terms of your lowered anxiety.
Yeah I definately felt a lot of this, and occassionally I guess I can feel it now, or I can at least identify a situation where I used to feel it but it doesnt bother me now. It just comes with time, it is all an adjustment.
Thanks for the responses. It helps to know that it's common! waitingfordawn - I know it's probably hard to go to something like that by yourself, I'd have a hard time too. I think after the initial first time it will be fine. It's like jumping in a pool. I have some gay friends I hang out with thankfully, I just kind of happened upon them and finally came out to them. So they're kind of my "group" you could say. I just got lucky on that one.
