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Coming Out Advice A supportive place to ask for and give advice about coming out. Includes a sub-forum for posting stories about your coming out experiences.

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Old 27th Jan 2012, 11:56 AM   #1
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Default Any FTMs I can talk to?

I made a post on here a few months ago regarding my male feelings, and I would like some help in deciding whether I should transition or not, and whether or not I'm indeed male. Most times I ask for help, I either get automatic agreement or automatic disagreement.

I have been diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder, but I'm not sure about how competent the psychologist is, since she's a graduate student, although a full psychologist tried to diagnose me with it years ago before my mom took me away from him. My parents, on the other hand, strongly disagree with me transitioning. My dad says I don't know what it means to be male, and my mom says I am genderless and that I should not attempt to transition since I already show characteristics of higher than normal testosterone (for females).

I will mention again that I have autism, which makes it harder for me to conduct social interaction, so keep that in mind if you do talk to me. I would like to correspond through private messages (if I can--I don't really remember all the details of rules on this forum) so that I can give a more detailed picture and get more in-depth responses. If I can't do that, I will be happy to type on this thread a lot, but I will have to be more careful here.
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Old 27th Jan 2012, 08:52 PM   #2
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Default Re: Any FTMs I can talk to?

The rule is that if you are not yet a full member, you can only send private messages to the staff. The staff are very helpful and nice, though.

There are some FTM folks around here, as well. I'm sure they will respond soon.

You didn't say very much about what your "male feelings" are like, so I can't really develop any kind of opinion about it.

The reason to transition physically would be if appearing female or having a female body is causing you a lot of distress.
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Old 27th Jan 2012, 10:25 PM   #3
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Default Re: Any FTMs I can talk to?

Gosh I can't imagine your pain! Compared to that, being a gay man (as I am) in society is a cake-walk. I encourage you to get the professional counseling that will help you sort these things out.
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Old 28th Jan 2012, 03:10 AM   #4
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Default Re: Any FTMs I can talk to?

Hi there

I am CÚcile and I am currently one of the advisors on EC
I am sorry that you're having so much troubles sorting out your gender identity.
Now I am not exactly surprised that your parents are very opposed to your transition. They probably are in denial. It is very hard for some parents to have a transgender child. They feel as is they are going to lose their child through the transition and they have to accept that their child's life is going to be very different from the one they have imagine.
Fortunately, a lot of parents become acceptant, but it takes time.

You only can say how you feel toward your gender, but it is likely that if you've been through the process of being diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder by two different psychologists (even if you couldn't fully complete the first one and if the second one is a graduate student) there is a very solid suspicion for you to be transgender.

I don't know how hold you are, but if you're over 18, I would suggest you to seek for a therapist who is used to work with transgender people to get a complete diagnosis. Then , if you're diagnosed with a Gender Identity Disorder, you'll be able to start transitionning if this is what you want to.
You parents may not agree with this (at least at first) but it is your life. The only person's happiness you're responsible for is yours, and if what you need to do to be happy is to transition and live as a man, then it is what you should do, for your own sake.

Take care, CÚcile
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Old 28th Jan 2012, 05:46 AM   #5
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Default Re: Any FTMs I can talk to?

You can speak with me anytime. Just message me
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Old 28th Jan 2012, 09:55 AM   #6
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Default Re: Any FTMs I can talk to?

I'm here to talk to. Unfortunately, we can't PM until you're a full member, so I'll go for it here.

Quote:
I made a post on here a few months ago regarding my male feelings, and I would like some help in deciding whether I should transition or not, and whether or not I'm indeed male. Most times I ask for help, I either get automatic agreement or automatic disagreement.
To start with, I very much doubt that you're not transgendered, since feelings like this can't come out of nowhere. Of course, there are many types of transgender, and its up to you to figure out whether you're a transsexual or not.

If you are transsexual, my solution is simple: transition. Of course, it is your choice, but in my experience the alternative doesn't bare thinking about, and very frequently ends in suicide.

So I'll get onto the subject of whether you are ftm or not. Don't listen to your parents. Don't listen to anyone who's dealing with this in a biased or emotional way. Your parents feel like they'll lose a daughter if you transition, and if they love you, they'll get over it. But it means that its really not a good idea to ask them for advice at the moment, because they're trying to hold on to the person they know. Also, I'm 'genderless' (Intersex) as well, and it doesn't stop me transitioning. It has to be said that a disproportionate number of FTMs have PCOS compared to biological women (PCOS isn't technically IS, but it will give you higher T levels.)

As for actually figuring out what your gender is, be honest with yourself and don't take other people's opinions into account. They may feel like they've been ignored, but in all honesty, this isn't about them. Its not the type of decision that other people have the right to involve themselves in, and its not really a decision at all - its widely thought that the causes for transgenderism occur before birth. Notice how you feel inside when you're treated in a certain way (male or female) and see which feels better.

I have moderate aspergers (which is a type of autism), and its not a barrier to transition if you're concerned about that.

Lastly, whoever you are, you have as much right to be that person as everyone else does.
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Old 28th Jan 2012, 12:44 PM   #7
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Default Re: Any FTMs I can talk to?

Quote:
The reason to transition physically would be if appearing female or having a female body is causing you a lot of distress.
It is! I hate being considered female! And I hate having this frustrating female body with no penis and not enough hair and muscle! The reason I'm so doubtful is because I feel Male about half the time and Androgynous about half the time--but every once in a while, maybe ten days a year at the most, I feel female, and the feeling in my breasts comes back, and I get kind of a rush from dressing as female. Sometimes I feel like I should have been born a man so I could be male most of the time and crossdress every once in a while in private when I feel female and want that rush feeling.

With regards to the therapy,I'm almost eighteen, but because of my autism, I'm probably going to be living with my mom for another few years--unless she puts me in a group home. I would rather die than live in an institution like that! I'm terrified of abuse and loneliness and bad services, and I know that if I don't need a group home; I need my parents. My mom threatens to put me in an institution when she's mad at me or afraid that I'll go back to having anger problems (she thinks that the only reason I'm not having anger problems anymore is the stupid medicine I'm taking that isn't even approved for people as old as me and made me gain weight and lactate and have less sex drive, even though I've improved, and I get angry when I'm on it sometimes and don't get angry when I miss it sometimes).

This isn't what scares me the most, though. When I talk about feeling male, she sometimes threatens to kick me out of the house and not let me see my baby brother (who is like a son to me) until he's eighteen. I don't want that to happen. Also, I don't have a job yet--I'm in college, and I'm having too much trouble in college to start a job, too. She has really good insurance for me through her work, but I don't think she will want to help me get a gender therapist. I will try asking her because I think she may agree with me if I look for a gatekeeper-type therapist who will put me through a hard time before I'm allowed to start transitioning, but there's still a lot of danger.

Part of the reason I've been so hesitant is because I think my parents may have some truth--they both said that I didn't act male when I was a child. I don't remember constantly thinking "I'm a girl, so I need to act this way" so I wonder if they may be right. Then again, I also think that they have a skewed picture because they've only seen Neurotypical males grow up, not autistic ones, and I'm the only "female" they've seen grow up.

I do remember talking about wanting to cut off my breasts when they first started growing, and I wasn't connecting it with being transgender. I also kind of went into denial about having breasts and refused to wear a bra until my mom told me that they were more noticeable without the bra. I also remember that once my mom and I were watching a show on TV (I was about nine) and we saw a bodybuilder woman who had taken steroids to get huge muscles. My mom told me that they were basically male hormones. I said, "That sounds cool!" but she gave me a scary look so I quickly added, "buuut that's a boy hormone so I don't want it." She never seemed happy with my male feelings, although I don't know how often I told her about them.

I do feel much better when people treat me as a male, especially people who have no idea that I'm supposed to be female. I love it when random people call me "young man" or "sir" or "him" but sadly that doesn't happen very much anymore because of my stupid Breasts.

I just want to either have my male feelings accepted by my family and be able to transition, or find out that they're not reallly real and...I don't know what.
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Old 28th Jan 2012, 01:54 PM   #8
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Default Re: Any FTMs I can talk to?

Um, okay, based on that, I'm going to say "yes, it sounds like you are probably trans."

I think I remember you now, because of your baby brother. I think it would be a very good idea for you to look for a therapist.

Doctors recommending gender reassignment don't want to make a mistake, so they aren't likely to do it hastily. Tell your mom that you want an expert opinion; if she's right, and you are not trans, the expert will not recommend transitioning.
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Old 28th Jan 2012, 04:28 PM   #9
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Default Re: Any FTMs I can talk to?

That's a good idea. My mom's worried, though, because my ex was diagnosed as transgender and in the process of transitioning, but he turned out to probably not be transgender. My mom says she doesn't trust psychologists as much anymore because of that. Hopefully she'll understand if I find an experienced psychologist with a Ph.D, preferably one who has experience with autism as well. With the first psychologist, she voiced concerns about him just wanting to advance his career. I don't know if that's true or not, but as far as I can tell he genuinely cares about helping his clients. Then again, I'm not the best at reading soical cues.

But maybe I can give that a try.
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Old 28th Jan 2012, 11:18 PM   #10
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Default Re: Any FTMs I can talk to?

No one can tell you your gender except for yourself, and only you can know whether transition is right for you.
Let me know if you want to chat a bit further.
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Old 16th Feb 2012, 12:05 PM   #11
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Default Re: Any FTMs I can talk to?

I have an update: my mom is getting me in touch with a real therapist! I will be able to talk about my gender issues there. But now my friend is furious at me...but that's another story. I may or may not post about it on a new topic.
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Old 16th Feb 2012, 12:38 PM   #12
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Default Re: Any FTMs I can talk to?

Thats good about the therapist. I'm sorry about the friend, is there a chance ze'll come round?
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Old 16th Feb 2012, 04:30 PM   #13
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Default Re: Any FTMs I can talk to?

I'm right there with ya. I'm in the middle of figuring it out myself. Becoming more comfortable with the idea, though. Not really sure if I can help, but just know that you are not alone
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