Hi all; I hope you've all been well. Long time stalker, first time posting. I need a little bit of help here. I, myself, am still closeted. I'm not sure whether I'm straight or bi, or even gay. Nobody would suspect that I'm gay through my actions unless if I have actually told them. But, I guess, in this circumstance, my cheeriness in this guy and my frequent texts and FB messages to him could imply certain things... Regardless of which, I'd like an opinion as to whether this guy, who I kind of have a crush on, is gay or at least, bi. Firstly, we're both 20 years of age and share interests that are almost 85% similar amongst us. We're both into cars, aviation, news, politics, the same foods, similar subject grades, have a sister in the same grade, and have similar medical illnesses. Since meeting him, I've felt as though I've reunited with my non-identical twin, separated at birth. I feel comfortable and very cheery when I'm around him. Every time our meetups pass, I'd miss him. These are particular 'traits' that I've picked up - some may suggest he's gay, some not so much. - He refers to certain cars and planes as 'cute'. - On his Facebook info page, he's listed as 'male' and 'single', but there is an absence of word as to whether he's interested in women or men. Why would one state they are 'single' on Facebook and disregard their preference? - He has never had a girlfriend, despite having attended a co-educational (male and female) high school. No boyfriend, in fact. - We have a mutual friend who would constantly talk about girls and would ask whether such and such is 'hot'. Being closeted, I'd reply to the best of my abilities and compare to a news anchorwoman I frequently watch. The friend in question, however, would merely reply with simplistic answers, such as 'yeah', 'no', 'oh, really?', etc. - He has never initiated a conversation about women with me. - We were both flicking through the channels of a TV once and came across womens' tennis. He mentioned, 'I like Maria Sharapova'. (This has thrown me a bit...) - Whilst watching TV, I was slouching on the sofa and had my naval exposed. I noticed that he had spent a few good seconds looking at it. (It wasn't on purpose; I was just tired.) - We both went on a road trip a few days ago and decided to stay the night at our destination. I told him that it's probably good that we both have our own bedrooms and our own ensuites as I tend to wrap myself in a towel and get dressed in my room when I'm at home. I decided to leave my bedroom door open and get dressed in the bathroom (for once) as I didn't want to frighten him. What did I see when I came out of the bathroom? He was wandering outside my bedroom. I might be overanalysing this as he could have been using the hallway as a thoroughfare. - When I text someone, he'd always try and have a peek at who and what I'm texting. *I actually would have liked to have been in the nude just to gauge his reactions. Though, erring on the side of caution, I do know that certain actions may bring unexpected ramifications. Any opinions? There's probably more to that list because I pay attention to every move that he makes, and we probably have more common interests that I'm unable to remember off the top of my head. I have never asked him whether he's gay; I can't even gauge whether he's gay because certain aspects have thrown me off a bit.
Hi and Welcome to EC! From the traits you have listed here it can be very very difficult to tell if he is gay or bi or whatever his orientation might be. When we really like somebody, we tend to look for every little sign and signal even when there may be none there. It sounds to me assuming that everything you have mentioned are things that your not just looking for that he is at least curious. However, I think you should proceed should you choose to with caution. This type of situation can be anything from he is very interested and thinking the same things that you are, to not being interested at all. I would maybe suggest casually making hints that you are interested in him without making it very obvious or pressuring him and kinda see how he reacts. Maybe try to be a little more flirtatious with him? Again though, it is tough to tell someones orientation based on little things we see when we are crushing on them because our mind tends to see things we want to see and disregard/change it to what we want to hear. Go slow with him though, give him a chance to maybe think a little bit more and see how he handles some compliments and flirting. He might be very confused and adding pressure may be harder for him to figure out what he is looking for. Everyone else feel free to add on here. Good Luck keep us posted.
This is pretty simple. It’s not what you are going to want to hear, but it’s the truth… DO NOT ASSUME HE IS GAY! By building it up in your mind, you’re crush is only going to grow stronger and you’ll become more defiant to evidence that may suggest he isn’t gay. Ultimately, you’ll just end up being let down and hurt when it turns out he is straight. I hope for you that’s not how it ends, but alas, it is almost always the case. I’ve been in the exact same situation. In fact, the list you compiled of “evidence” is very similar to the things I had thought of as well. I am almost certain that one of the things that allowed my crush to strengthen as far as it did was the fact that I continuously built in my mind the belief that he was gay. So much so that even when I started to see some contradictory signs, I’d either flat out ignore them or just brush it off as part of his “act”. Well, I finally decided to come out and while he was fully supportive as any good friend would be, I am now quite sure based on his reaction and subsequent conversations we’ve had on the topic that he is straight. It hurts to have to accept this now, but I only have myself to blame. So what can you do? The best course of action is to of course come out to him. If he IS gay and he DOES have feelings for you, then the ball will be in his court. You’ve done all you can do by effectively rolling out the red carpet for him to reciprocate. If he doesn’t, then he is either straight or so deeply closeted that it doesn’t matter anyway.
i skimmed through this. i have been in this type of situation before and here's what i can tell you. all the signs, all the what-ifs, all the "hmm could this mean..." it doesn't really matter. unless the person tells you they are gay, or directly flirts or makes a pass at you, then you will not know. the only way you will know is to ask him if he is attracted to you or attracted to guys. men in the closet will behave in one of three ways: 1. deny: no i am not into dudes. im straight. 2. admit: yea sometimes i find guys attractive or yes, i'm gay. if he denies, it could mean 3 things 1. he is actually straight 2. he is gay and in the closet and unsure and may not even like you 3. he is gay and in the closet and unsure and really likes you but can't admit it. asking someone if they are gay when you do not tell them you are gay first, it never advised. it puts people on teh defensive and increases the chances that they will never come out to you. therefore, if you are intersted in teh guy, you should tell him you're gay or tell him you're interested in him. it is always advisable to tell him you're gay first and gauge his reaction to this. if you seems unforcomtable and ends the friendship, then you know that he is not into you or even if he is, he may not be able to deal with with that. if he sticks around and you notice flirting, then you can ask him. i do not suggest doing the "hey im gay bro, what about you?" it also puts someone on the defense. it makes it seem as though you are coming out and you expect them to tell you info too. your coming out to them should be about you and not about you trying to get them. i do not want to be a downer but i will tell you the far majority of these types of things ends in the guy being straight and not interested so keep that in mind. when we are in the closet it's very normal for us to form these types of crushes becuase it keeps us safe. in order to strike up somehting with someone you know is gay, you have to be somewhat "out" to do that and it is scary for those in the closet. the biggest advice in these situations is ALWAYS ASSUME THEY ARE STRAIGHT. that way you will not be disappointed and you will not let your mind go down this path time and time again. if you are wrong, then that's a great surprise. but the reality is, in these situations, even if they are gay, they are probably just like you and will not ever say it first, so the only way someone would admit to you that they are gay is if they feel it would be comfortable and the only way they are going to do that is if they know you're gay first. ---------- Post added 28th Jan 2012 at 02:34 PM ---------- this is the best advice on this topic. remember gay people that are closeted are scared just like you and if they like you they are waiting for the door to be opened so they can walk through it too. when we are closeted and liek someone, we try and give hints without saying it directly...asking people to hang out, random txt msgs, dropping everything for them, etc. we are basically saying "hey dummy, i like you and im trying to tell you that without telling you". now think about it. if you like someone, you are LOOKING for those signs as well. So the reason why you do not get the reciprocation is probably because he is not gay or is not into you or in the closet so deep it doesn't matter anyway. do not waste your energy on this. you've done all you can do.
This has always been mentioned, but it is a rule you should ALWAYS follow when it comes to relationships with the same sex: Assume he is straight unless you know for sure otherwise. You're reading into his actions far too much. I did that with my straight crush, and guess what? He was straight. It raises your chances, but statistically, there's no more than a 1 in 20 chance that he's gay or bi. The best way to find out whether he likes you is to come out to him. Don't place any pressure on him to reciprocate, and don't tell him you like him at this point (that can really turn things sour if he's one of those guys who gets creeped by those things). Just bear in mind, if he is gay/bi, dating in the closet is generally a recipe for trouble, so if you do end up in a relationship, you might want to work on getting rid of that closet, quickly.
My suspicion is that he's probably gay. But that and $4 will buy you a cup of Starbucks. As others have said, you need to be careful; it could get awkward if you're wrong. What you might have to do is simply screw up all your courage and tell him about you. He's a lot more likely to open up to you if you open up to him first. But that also means that you're telling someone, and that isn't easy.
Thanks for all the input, guys. With regards to the idea of coming out before him, I've never really mustered the slightest of courage to do so to anyone. I was hoping that our friendship would develop into something deeper, which, in turn, would allow me to ease my way out of the closet. I do agree with the consensus that it's better to err on the side of caution and assume he's straight. However, some 'traits' seem to scream the idea that he's gay. For example, he doesn't disclose his gender preference in his FB info page, but he's bothered to state that he's single and is male. He has also said very openly to me on a couple of occasions that he enjoys/likes me company. I'm not very good with being in touch with my emotional side, but just wondering, how would I be flirtatious? I have made a subtle (maybe going overboard) indications, such as frequently texting him. He's on a prepaid plan, so is unable to text too frequently (difficult to gauge interest). As much as I'd like to make these indications, I don't want to seem needy - any idea how to avoid that? Sorry, it's just that I'm your classic introvert who has never actually felt what it's like to *really like* someone.
I had a friend EXACTLY like all of the things you mentioned, and eventually, I got fed up and gave him the "one-two combo" of telling him I was gay and that I had a crush on him. And guess what? He denied being gay, and we haven't really spoken since. It has been almost a year, and our friendship just isn't the same. My advice? If you trust him, come out to him, but hold off on telling him that you are into him right now. Just assume that he's straight until he trusts you enough to tell you otherwise.
great advice. do you think he was gay and in denial or do you think he was straight and you were reading into things? ---------- Post added 30th Jan 2012 at 10:13 AM ---------- b733, i wish i could give you advice on flirting and stuff but i do not think its a good idea for you to go down that path. it only will help you avoid doing what you need to do and that's letting him know you're gay and then waiting to see if he later comes out to you about the same thing. basically it sounds like you want there to be a situation where you both develop a close deep friendship and you both are in teh closet and one day while watching tv something just kinda "happens". well that sounds romantic but the reality is that these things dont often happen. usually one person is gay and one person is not. or both people are gay but both are too scared to say anything. my advice is that you should just treat him as a friend. maybe you can bring up the gay topic in conversation just to see what his thouights are. however, that's only if you want to and you feel like he is mature enough to have that conversation. but trying to flirt and gauge and interpret text messages is just not really productive and it will truly lead you nowhere or feeling worse off and foolish if he is not gay.
The funny thing is that even though I moved on and I am currently in a relationship, I still think he is in denial; however, I am pretty sure that I was misreading his feelings for me. I don't think he ever looked at me in that way, but I STILL think he is gay. It doesn't matter though. He declared that he was straight and got extremely defensive about the whole thing. At that point, I knew our friendship would mostly be over. I made a thread about the whole thing a few months ago (http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/45375-need-some-insight-here.html). Since I told him, we probably exchanged like three or four text messages. Anyway, TC, this may not happen to you, but just be wary of how you decide to proceed.
The same thing happened to me and my bestfriend just like CrazyAntFarm's but different result, we didn't contact each other in 3 months, but then it started to get better since we have too much things in common, our friendship is building back up again even though he's still paranoid about coming in to my room (with me of course, he afraid that I might do the same thing again :rolle. So I suggest you if you accidentally confessed to your crush and didn't turn out good please don't ignore them, start talking to them and explain that the confession was a misunderstood and also try to be friendly, from here you can follow the way CrazyAntFarm has said. To OP, don't push it to hard, just be his bestfriend first and then come out to him, if you're lucky who knows if he's also gay . To be honest I'm trying this method with a guy in gym who's helping me in weight training, I think I have a little something with this kid , we always look at each other in the eyes for a while randomly, well for me it's because he got the green beautiful eyes I've ever seen, but idk what is his reason to look at me, hope he's feeling the same. (Sorry just feel like telling my story lol)
Has that guy previously mentioned explicitly that he is straight? Thanks for sharing that link and the contributions that everybody has made. CrazyAntFarm, sorry to hear about the turn in your friendship. In my situation, my friend hasn't ever explicitly mentioned that he's straight. He might imply it by saying that he likes so-and-so female news anchor, sportsperson, etc. However, that's what I've done in the past, as well, given I'm still in the closet. Thinking about it, there has been another circumstance which has made me question his sexuality. A few times, him and I have worn similar clothes (colour and style, not that either of us as fashion conscious) as a coincidence. We both have a mutual friend, the one that I had mentioned previously, who joked and teased us for being so alike. I merely laughed it off, whereas the friend in question had made absolutely zero expression. In another circumstance, both of us happened to have gastro on the same day and could not attend our classes. The same mutual friend teased us, calling us twins and explained how twins are able to feel each others' pains. Again, I laughed it off, whereas the friend in question had made no expression. I do agree with Insidehappy's comment that it's counterproductive overanalysing texts and attempting to flirt, but I guess it's because it's consuming me from within. Every time he says that he's having lunch/seeing a movie with a friend, I'd always sink to my lowest and ponder for hours who it could possibly be. The gay topic has arisen on some occasions, but it was brought up by our mutual friend. Where I live, there has recently been heated discussion about gay marriage/marriage equality. The friend in question mentioned that he isn't against it, nor would he go on the streets protesting for it. I guess that would be my stance, as well. On another occasion, he revealed, whilst shopping for a birthday present for his old school friend, that he suspected that his friend is gay just by the way his voice sounds and the movies he likes (Sound of Music; Black Swan). Judging by these events, it'd suffice to say that he's not overly homophobic. Then again, homophobia doesn't necessarily discriminate whether one is gay or not - it could be a definite case that the person is straight, or is in utter denial. At present, I'm just sending him text messages and long emails via Facebook. He'd respond to most Facebook messages to the same depth and length. With texts, however, given his credit allowance, he's often unable to reply (he does have a reserve and often, when he fails to reply, I'd be upset - irrational, I know). I'm not sure whether I'm sending the message that I'm needy and annoying, or whether the message is that I want him in my life - spend more time with me! As for the suggestion that we should reach 'best friends' status, we already have. It happened on a train ride where I was playing with my camera, showed him the picture, and he said that we're best friends. At that time, we had only known each other for 8-9 months? Which is relatively short, seeing I didn't even regard him my 'best mate'. But, since then, we have hung out a lot and I guess, that bonding has strengthened that mateship. This is the reason why I'm a bit apprehensive making any sudden moves and am seeking opinions. I don't want to ruin what we already have. But then there's what we could have. I guess, well, I'm hoping that we're in the category of both being gay/bi, but too scared to say anything. Sorry for the long narrative - it's just that this topic really goes deep into my thoughts and emotions.
A famous quote comes to mind, "For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these: "It might have been." And boy, is that ever true. I think action is necessary. I don't buy this "come out to him first" business: yes it's fine and all, but even if it shows care and caution, I hardly think it's necessary. Some people just cannot say the words when they mean to. Action can say as much and both intent and affection. I think, in a tender moment, when you sense it, you should go for a kiss. You have to have a little faith -- both in your instincts and your friend. Even if he's not inclined, he won't reject you as a human being. He may need a little time to process it before things return to normal, however. Though, in the end the decision is yours, of course. Think about each person's advice -- analyse it carefully. Then do what you think you should do. Good luck.
He has never stated explicitedly that he was straight until I confessed everything to him. Keep in mind that I had known for eight years, and he never so much as spoken about a female in any sexual manner. I still think he's in the closet, and the circumstances surrounding him has pushed him so deep into the closet that he may never come out. His family is extremely religious, and his culture is extremely homophobic. Thankfully, I have moved on with my life, but what I went through with him was probably the most painful experience I have ever had.
A few things: 1. He's likely straight. When we crush on someone, we tend to see what we want to see, and give great significance to small details. 2. Coming out isn't something you need to wait for a boyfriend to help you with. In fact in most cases having a boyfriend is something you need to wait to be out to get. 3. As long as you're in the closet, you won't be able to properly meet guys. It will always be sneaky circling around, unsure of what the signals mean, hoping for a connection but also paranoid of being found out. There is nothing more important in your life than coming out. If you need advice on that, or just wanna talk, feel free to PM me.
I'm sorry - I really don't mean to call anyone out... but having gone through a nearly identical situation as the OP's as well as having read what I'd consider to be a statistically significant number of similar stories which show that the outcome is far more often than not that the other person ends up being straight, I couldnt disagree more with this advice. If your senses are off, which for me and so many others they were, you could do major damage to your friendship. Either way you'll obviously be coming out so why do something that carries all that extra risk? Just my additional 2 cents...
