Just looking for some help

I don't really know where to start.

I have recently turned twenty-one and am studying in my final year year at university.

In my first year I had a great time. I made lots of friends, had so much fun and just generally grew so much in confidence. A year before I started university, my mother died which was difficult on many levels I guess but I used university as an opportunity to move away and make a fresh start so having a great first year really felt great.

In my second year I lived in a house where I was very unhappy as it seemed as though I had chosen who to live with too early as the close friends I had made in first year all lived together in another house. It was at this point that everything seemed to go a bit downhill as I began to feel very down. I eventually acknowledged that I had a problem and went to the doctors who diagnosed me with depression. Things gradually got a lot worse for a long time but I'm now feeling in a place where I am more content and in control.

For a long time I believed that my feelings were due to my mother passing away, feeling unhappy where I lived and various other factors. Although it still was a combination of factors, I came to the conclusion after many months that a lot of my troubles were to do with the feelings I had towards a friend I had made at university which I didn't think fell within the normal boundary of friendship. It took me a long long time to admit this to my counselor but once I did, the feelings felt a little less heightened and troubling.

I'm not sure how long I have had these feelings towards my friend and I still don't know how to define them. Its a difficult situation as I consider her as my best friend at university and we are close so I worry that if I were to say anything it would affect our friendship. On quite a few occasions she has acted towards me in a way which suggests she is attracted to me. One example being when tipsy we were cuddling in bed and she was trying to kiss me and touch me etc but I refused in a joking way as I wasn't sure of my feelings then. I'm still not sure of my feelings but it just didn't seem like a good idea at the time. We do have quite a tactile relationship. A lot of my concerns initially centred around what her feelings were towards me but since admitting my feelings to my counsellor I have relaised that I can't worry about that anymore and need to think about whether I am gay myself. The counselling came to a natural conclusion as I had to return to university and she is based at home.

The reason I am writing this today is because I went on a date with a guy last week and we ended up going back to his and sleeping together. I hadn't had sex with anyone before and afterwards felt quite empty and sad. It probably sounds really bad but it was fun while it lasted. My friend who I think I have feelings for has never slept with anyone either nor had a boyfriend but last night went out of her way to meet someone on a night out and now they have a date too. I find this hurting quite a lot. Its the normal feelings I have had before where I feel a knot in my stomach, feel quite teary and quiet. If she is not gay then that is fine. It does hurt a lot but that is something I guess I will just to have to deal with. Does anyone have any advice how to deal with it?

Also, I am still unsure whether I am comfortable with the idea of being gay as I would like children and also don't know how those around me would react. If I was to come out I am quite confident that the friend I have feelings for would know that I have/had feelings for her. Would this jeopardise our friendship? Does anyone have any words of advice as its been a long and lonely battle.

I'm sorry to ramble. I am genuinely not one to talk about my feelings so openly but I don't know what else to do. I feel a bit at a loss sometimes.
:icon_sad:

Thank you

 

see if this helps in deciding to come out to your friend: mention something about having a fictitious cousin or someone coming out as gay and she her reaction. it will be telling. and you can say that you think there's nothing wrong with homosexuality and she how she reacts to that. and the whole time, watch her eyes, they're always a dead give away.

my suspicion is that she's a lesbian, and if you can carefully extract that out of her, you could have a real meaningful, normal, gay relationship with her. good luck!

---------- Post added 28th Jan 2012 at 06:05 PM ----------

and ianthe is right, this day and age, there is nothing to stop you from having children and having the family you so desire! all it takes to make a good family is two people who love each other and want the best for their children. AND DONT LET ANYONE TELL YOU DIFFERENT!!

i lived a straight family and there was no family love there, believe me. I would have given my left nut for two loving lesbian mothers instead of the hell hole I had!!

 

Hi, thanks for replying Ianthe - I really appreciate it.

I don't think she has feelings like that towards me. I used to think she did but have now come to accept that she doesn't and even if she did, I don't think she is in a position where she would ever admit it.

At the same time, I don't think I've romanticized our relationship.

You're right, a yes-or-no answer would probably make everything a lot easier and I would be able to move on more easily rather than wondering if there was anything more. I don't think I'm quite ready to do that though as I don't feel confident enough yet.

Thank you for replying though, it has been really helpful to have someone else's point of view. I guess I will just have to take some more time to consider what I'm going to do..

---------- Post added 29th Jan 2012 at 05:08 AM ----------

Hi Googie, thanks for your reply.

She has often talked about gay people. Perhaps homophobic is a strong word but she often jokes about gay people with our other friends. I've never really watched her eyes though so maybe I will do that in the future and see what I think.

I've kind of gone past the stage of wanting a relationship with her, I just want to move on now which I guess is a good thing as its taken a long time to accept all of this. Again, I just guess time will tell..

Thanks again for your reply though!