In my previous post I talk about the environment that I live being anti gay. I am in my late thirties and I have isolated myself from the world. I have avoided all intimacy. Now that I am working on accepting the fact that I am gay, no matter how hard I try to deny it. I want to explore this part that I have denied. Besides my brother, I do not know another gay person. He does not know that I am gay too. I do not intend on coming out to him, long story. I am thinking about starting a double life. I am just not sure were to start. Should I try going to a country with LGBT center see how I feel being that kind of environment, do I attempt to try gay sex to confirm that I actually like it (options are not great here -- either escort or craiglist and I do not have the stomach for the risk). My worry is that I do not have the emotional reserves for starting this double life or with the things that may come from opening to the gay life.
I'm feeling for you, Zizo. A double life means a lot of effort to keep the two parts of you sealed off from one another. It also might mean lies and subterfuge on both sides of the line. All those things will create such inner dissonance that it will make your discomfort now seem like a vacation. So find someone to talk to. Talk to us here. Talk to a therapist or counselor. Random sex with strangers is not a way to see if you prefer the companionship and comfort and love of someone of the same sex. Being gay goes beyond just who you can perform sexually with. The only way you'll be happy inside is if you're honest with yourself and with those around you. And yes, you might not be able to maintain your life exactly as it is now. But it sounds like you might actually be happier if your life were different. Good luck. I wish you happiness. Tracker
I agree with Tracker. It's going to cause an awful lot of stress in your life to do things that way. You seem to be placing an awful lot of emphasis on trying "gay sex". Why not start slow and explore attractions and see who you like and why, then move to "friends" and find some common ground with some of those people, and take it from there? Although I can understand wanting to explore in a different town or city, I can't see how sleeping with a total stranger would be of benefit to you. And another thing... don't think of it as "gay sex". It's just "sex". Only the partner is changing. ----edit---- I just read your first post. Now I understand I bit better. Your options are a bit more... limited. That doesn't change my opinion on you placing a priority on sex. Enjoy people. Sex is an extra.
To be honest, It's going to be really difficult to live a double life. I would NOT recommend it. It's better to admit and accept who you are. The world isn't going to end if people know you like boys instead of girls. Gay people don't always hook up with strangers or use escort services. I know I never have. It is completely possible for you to come out of the closet and meet a guy you like who likes you just as much and have sex with him. You already know if you like it or not. Do you masturbate to men or women? You don't need to have sex to know if you like gay sex. I don't particularly like doing anal, but I know I don't mind watching it. It sounds like you're making this much more difficult than it needs to be by standing the closet. It might seem like a big scary gay world out there, but it's not. It's very easy to be gay and happy, and I promise you, it will make you happier to come out and be able to live without fear.
As the others have said, a double life is demanding and draining. Not to mention - you run the risk of those to worlds colliding. Why not lead an honest life - assuming you are in a location were it won't get you killed? Would it really be so bad to risk finding someone you enjoy spending time with and having an honest relationship?
I guess this is a bit of desperation. I am wanting to embrace being gay but I do not know how to go about it. There are no LGBT resources here and I do not know what to do. Coming out is simply not an option. I just want to know what is the best way to step into this new world without creating my stress for myself.
there is an underground gay community there and in neighboring cities, just be careful, i know how it is
Hi there and welcome to EC. I read the other thread as well, and I'm glad that you're at least thinking about how to make your current situation more bearable. Trying to lead a double life isn't something I'd recommend. I tried it - 'epic fail' (as my daughter would say). I became more and more miserable as the two lives diverged. What provides me with peace and happiness is being able to live one life in an open and honest way. Where all parts of my life are integrated. I'm out at work and to family and friends. I'm not married to a man, and we have 4 kids between us from our first marriages - and it's wonderful to do things together as a family. But it has taken me 5 years to get to this place. And I live in Toronto, Canada, one of the most accepting and liberal places in the world for gays. So I know I have an advantage over you. No question. And yes - when I first started to come to terms with my orientation it completely consumed me. It's all I could think about. But it gets better. Hang out on this site. Yes - it's virtual. But you're still hanging out with other gays and bis who can relate to how you're feeling. Start looking for work back in the US. Living the way you have lived so far has made you miserable. Totally and completely miserable. At a certain point you have to say to yourself 'OK, this isn't working. I need to try something else.' And when you move to the US, move somewhere accepting. North east or west coast. Or better yet, move to Canada! In the mean time, maybe you could try a holiday somewhere gay friendly. Mardi Gras in Sydney is apparently a great time. Pick somewhere cosmopolitan. London, New York, Boston, Toronto, Montreal. Plan to stay near the 'gay village' where ever you go, and just immerse yourself in it. Sit on a patio and watch men walking down the street holding hands - without threat of arrest or being beaten. Once you have a taste, now that you're not 'fighting' all of these thoughts and feelings - you'll want to make a change. And please try not to beat yourself up over lost time. There's nothing you can do to change it - even if you wanted to. So instead, focus on today and make the best of it. If you want to talk one on one feel free to write to me (or anyone else on the staff here) or just carry on here in this thread. I certainly feel for you. But the bottom line is that if you're not going to confide in your parents or in your brother, then get out of there and live your life for you.
i am not sure where you are located? some countries can be dangerous for you to be "out" so you have to do what is best for your safety and life. also underground meetings and clubs and meeting people on craigslist, honestly is not really safe and even if it is safe, you just have to be careful. moving to another country seems a bit far fetched but if you have a reason to move (school, university, job) and that is already in the works for you, then sure why not. but i would not move to another country so you can be yourself unless there are horrible conditions were you are. can you explain why you do not want to come out to your brother?
i didn't mean to end with the scary part.... a good friend who i visit there told me that it's definitely there, but people keep it under cover. you hang in there man. i'm in one of the most gay-friendly cities in the world and my main support is here.
I agree with Tracker. A double life will only be more pain and stress than it's worth. You may wrap yourself up in something you may not be able to pull yourself from. Perhaps you could get online and see if there are any support groups in your area? Any dating sites particularly for the LGBT community? There are many more private and less dangerous ways to meet men. Don't let your family or anyone else hold you back. If you aren't comfortable with coming out to them, by all means, don't, but never be ashamed of who you are.
Thanks guys. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person trying to sort this subject in my head. On the face of it is so simple. Just telling the truth and let the chips fall where they may and then carry on from there. But if it was I guess there wouldn't be a need for this board. Technically, since I have not done anything gay I have not broken the law YET. Its two things holding me back. The social pressure to not come out. The shame attached to this subject is very high here. I would say its more extreme than in the states in the fifties. So coming out globally is not prudent. Now to people in my immediate circles (friends/family). Family I basically know what will happen. My family in general will react negatively. I am not sure I want to hurt my parents any further. They already have one very out son. Also, if I came out to them its not like I would get any benefit. They will pretend it never happened. The subject will be completely ignored and internally they will be thinking what we do wrong to end up with 2 gay sons. I do not want that. My older brother (and his wife) are homophobic. My two younger brothers should be fine. In fact my youngest brother (who is not gay) has told me if I'm gay he is fine with it and does not care. On the surface they would appear to be good candidates to share with. But they are not. This is hard to explain but I will try. No one in my family is emotionally stable and I do not fully trust their discretion. My gay brother would probably be very happy to hear that I am gay and would let it slip (or announce it on facebook). The youngest brother I know is Ok with this subject. What is frustrating is he is not emotionally stable person (in my eyes). I worry how he will process this information and if he will be able to keep it a secret. I guess even though I am trying to accept it and trying to come out, I want to control this process. This is a secret that I have held onto for over thirty years. and letting it go is not easy. There is one person that in my circle of friends that I think would be the best candidate to come out to. But I'm scared to come out to do it. While there is something inside of me that tells me he would be perfect person to start with, I am terrified that my assumption is wrong. Plus he is in the work place. So if I misjudged and this got out in the office then it would do some serious damage. Nothing is perfect. I do not have a lot of options since I am not a very social person. I wonder if my reluctance to share means that I am not ready to come out (and at this age if I am not ready -- then will I ever be ready?) So tired.
A double life means living a lie. That's fruitless and will bring you only misery. As will living in the closet. There is one thing that is hard to swallow, but is true none the less. And that is - if your current life doesn't allow you to be happy and out, you need to change what it is that makes you unhappy. If the area where you live in is homophobic, move to one that isn't. In the end, nobody else has control over your life but yourself.
Leading a double life inevitably leads to a a catastrophic moment. I too have been leading a double life. So far only my wife knows I am gay, but at some point I am sure the cat will get out of the bag so my challenge is do I want to be in control of issue or let events unfold around me.
dude, don't let age determine anything here. really, just talk with someone when you are sincerely ready, that's all. i am with you bro all the way
Do you know what I say to this? Who cares?!? YOU are not responsible for the happiness of your parents. THEY are. So, if THEY choose to be upset because a second son has turned out to be gay, that's THEIR problem. Not yours. Likewise, YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness. Nobody else is. Perhaps you've noticed over these past 37 years, during many of which you've been miserable, that nobody else has been busy trying to solve your problems or make your life more bearable. That task is totally up to YOU. I know what I'm saying is harsh. But you're gay. You're whole family is homophobic. You've seen how they've treated your brother. That's likely how they're going to treat you too if you come out. So you need to get yourself to the point where you don't care - OR - you move away and live your life openly and authentically out of their line of sight. Doing nothing ensures that you'll remain as miserable for the next 37 years as you've been for the past 37 years. So I'd suggest doing something. You deserve it.
I hope you've at least let your gay brother know you don't have a problem with his sexuality. Your acceptance by itself will make a big difference to him. How is he dealing with it? Is he having relationships? It might be good for you to spend some time with him and his friends. Just getting to know some gay guys as friends would be very good for you. If your brother has a boyfriend, maybe you could ask to meet him; that would be good for you and would probably mean a lot to your brother. Was your brother outed accidentally, or did he come out? He will have had to deal with a lot of crap for being gay. In gay culture generally, but especially in situations like that, where the consequences of being out can be extreme, outing people is really not done. It's taboo, in fact. I think you probably underestimate your brother's discretion. Still, you may not be ready to come out to anyone yet, and that's okay--you can come out on your own terms, and at your own pace. As for your other younger brother, who already told you he'd be okay with it if you were gay--it seems likely that he already suspects. Does he have any reason to? Well, I guess the fact that you've never dated may be reason enough. Do you think anyone else suspects? Anyway, for now, maybe you could consider getting to know more about gay people and gay culture by being involved just as an ally supporting your gay brother. You don't have to admit that you're gay right away. I think just getting to know some gay people will help you to grow in your self-acceptance, and you will feel a lot less miserable. Do you think that would be possible?
