Advice?

Hey everyone! So I'm brand new to the site and I first want to say that I'm so happy to be here. I feel a billion times better since even just registering; it's like part of me just knew that this is where I wanted or needed to be. So, cheers for this website and all it's lovely people! You make the biggest difference just by writing helpful and hopeful words!

So, onto my advice-needing, haha. So I basically have no idea what to think. I know deep down what my answer and thoughts are telling me; I'm not straight. It's not that I don't like boys; there are some boys that literally turn my legs to jello, but at the same time...that can go for girls as well. I have to admit it. I like girls. (Wow, took a two minute pause just staring at those words...that's the first time I've ever written them.) I can't deny this anymore. No one except one friend knows about all of this.

I was going to tell my two best friends about it last night (they're both girls), and we had drank a lot because frankly, it's easier to tell people deep dark secrets when you've had a little wine to loosen the lips. As I sat there though, they started guessing what could be wrong with me; and as one of them blurted out, "Are you lesbian?" she immediately followed it with, "Because if you were, some stuff would have to change, like I wouldn't change in front of you anymore,"

I don't know why, but that really hit me hard. I realized that telling them would make things change. I honestly don't care if they change in front of me- it's NEVER been like that for me around them; they're my best friends, that's all. But hearing that changes would happen sort of...hurt me. When we all get drunk, sometimes we kiss each other- and it's no big deal, just little pecks, but I know I would be the one they avoid when that happens. I know they wouldn't hug me. Everything would suddenly be second guessed. I got that impression and it hurt; I won't lie, it definitely hurt. So instead of being like, "Oh hey, good guess, you're absolutely right!" I laughed and said, no, of course that wasn't it. (I do have a reputation for hooking up with guys, so I guess that saved me).

Oh wow, I'm sorry this is so long haha. I just...the only person I've told is a guy friend of mine that I'm super close to. I don't know how to tell my friends that I'm bi because I'm so afraid that everything will change; I don't want it too. I like how things are right now.

I wish life had one of those buttons you could press to make everything perfect, haha. That would make it so simple. I wish I could tell them, though, it feels like this weight is just pressed upon my shoulders. I suppose the worst part is that I absolutely hate feeling like this; I have no problem with loving anyone you want- male or female- but for some reason when it's me...my opinion changes. I shouldn't be the one liking females; this is wrong and gross and I feel disgusting. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help these feelings; I wish there was some way to stop them and I won't lie; I've had the scary life-ending thoughts that happen. I drink a lot more by myself these days and it's not in a fun way; more in a "I want to drown these feelings" type of way.

I just don't know what to do these days. Anyone else been through something like this?

:help:

 

I appreciate your advice, thank you! I hope they would still see me just as me; I'm not sure how I would deal with it if they started acting weird around me. Sigh. It's a confusing time.

And I'll definitely let you know, :lol: someone's hidden it very well...