Yes, I'm trapped. I'm out to a very select few, but it would be dangerous for me to be out-out because I'm in a custody battle in Texas (and not a particularly forgiving county - they rarely even grant gay adoptions) and I'm in education. Or at least I'm supposed to be -- I got laid off this month. So, I'm struggling with finding a new job, my custody battle, and by having retreated so far into the closet. I volunteered at Pride last year, but I quit my lesbian book club (I just didn't have time), and that was my main source of interaction with the gay community here. Since losing that gay-positive environment, I've gone back to hating myself and feeling alone. There are nights where I just hate being gay. I felt like I could accept it more and was happier the more I was "out," but going back "in" has made me feel ashamed of myself. I hear people saying it's a gift to be gay, but how can that be? At the best it seems like I could accept it eventually but how can it be good? Does anyone have any ideas? I feel so confused.
yes being gay is a gift, and its a life lesson everyone either learns or fails, put it this way, how would you know you are living a happy life if you haven't experienced what its like to go through pain, suffering, depression and all those bad feelings? the concept it gets better derives from this you can say, because those who actually make the effort to change their lives for the better know that you have to go through some real tough times to get to the good times. in a spiritual sense you can say this is the wheel of karma, if you live your life in fear and ego you will come back to live this life again till you get it right just remember there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, its everyone else who has the problem
I'm interested in this book club you were part of. It sounds like it was a really positive aspect of your life, as you talked about it more than anything else in your post. I'm wondering if there's any way you could get back into it. I don't know what your schedule is like, but is there anything you can cut out to make time for the book club? You could also keep up to date with what they're reading, and read it on your own, even if you don't go to the meetings. Maybe in preparation for joining the group again when your schedule opens up a bit. Hopefully this doesn't sound too obvious, it just seems like it would be something to look into if you haven't already. Keeping my fingers crossed for you. (*hug*)
I was having trouble having the time to read the books and make it out there with everything that's going on, plus affording the books and going out afterward.. I can try to start reading them on my own at a slower pace - that might help some It was important to me because it was the first time I'd really had lesbian role models -- women with partners, careers, children. All out. Showing me that you CAN do it.. and to have somewhere I didn't have to lie. Sanguine, I think I get what you're saying. It can be positive because you have to go through so much more in your life. It could make you stronger, braver, and know yourself more. But in a way it seems like being glad you were shipwrecked because you learned survival skills. I just want to stop thinking of it as a bad, shameful thing, and I don't know how.
Just learn to love yourself. It is a gift to be gay. A lot of the native American cultures refereed to their gay members as "two spirits." Often two spirits acted a shamans. This was considered honorable. It might seem very difficult right now but it will get better. I came out last June to my wife and family. It has been very tough all around. But for me it is getting better. It will for you to, It may just take a little time. I don't have any kids so it is easier for me. Your custody battle makes it difficult. It shouldn't make a difference....but I know it can. So, maybe you need to wait until that is settled before coming out any further. I dono...that is a tough one. Have you thought about counseling? It helped me a lot.
Or, you might see if they mind having you along afterwards. Going out once a week with them even if you don't read the books might also be helpful. Just another thought. Cause good role models like that are important, as well as having someplace where you don't have to lie.
Yeah, go even if you don't read the books. Or, read every other book, so you have twice as long to finish. As long as you don't mind if they talk about the books without avoiding spoilers--they may want to talk about the end of the books, even if you haven't finished them--they shouldn't mind you coming along. And get the books from the library. I mean, you are talking about your sanity. It's worth investing in and making time for. You can also make an effort to make friends with the club members outside the club, as well. Or, ask them if they know of something that you could be involved in that wouldn't take as much of your other time to prepare for. They might know of something local for you.
I agree.. I just am embarrassed to get back in touch with them after suddenly dropping them like that. I'm afraid they wouldn't want me back or like me or think I'm a flake or something like that. I'm going to go back and look for things at the community center that they might be having.. I'm just so afraid to go by myself. My friend that I'm out to said that she would come with me to Pride this year, which is cool, and she had also said she'd go to a gay bar with me before too for support. I talk to her a little bit about how I'm feeling sometimes, like when she heard about Cynthia Nixon talking about her sexual orientation it came up. But I want someone I can sit with for like hours and just get it all out. With her, bc she is straight, she doesn't really GET it, and I get this feeling like if I bring it up she will be thinking ugh, not this again. I sent my other friend that I'm out to an email, but she didn't even respond. They're the only people I'm out to at this point. My first friend is in a long distance relationship, and I feel like she's sort of been using me for "safe" socialization since he's been gone. We have nights in where she cooks and I bring wine, she was my date to a wedding, and she wants us to go out for Valentine's. But she's with this guy she wants to marry, and then tells me today that she might "try it once" - it = being with a girl. I have a straight girl crush. And when her boyfriend gets back, I'm going to be left feeling even crappier than I do now. Which is scary bc there isn't much farther down to go. I hate myself.
Um, I think you should definitely NOT spend Valentines Day with her. Find a lesbian Valentines event to go to. Or even just do something on your own, for yourself. But don't spend it with a girl who's kind of jerking you around. Just explain to the book club what's been going on with you. They will be okay with it. If they understand that you are still in the middle of the coming out process, they'll get that it makes things weird. Have they been calling you and you've been just ignoring them or something? Just apologize, and I'm sure it will be all right.
Hi, Greenly79! Like you, I also feel guilty for abandoning a welcoming and supportive group of people to my coming out process. I haven't contributed to the forums for several weeks now. I'm so sorry about your situation. I'm in education in Texas, too, and am lucky to still have a job myself. Keep looking on that front, though, I think things are looking up. As far as not being able to get out of the closet, I really understand. It is tough and so frustrating. Also, the more I stay in the closet the more confused I get about my sexuality when I know that I am gay. As far as being gay a gift, I do understand that point of view, as well. I don't know, when I am honest with myself and accept that I am gay I have this euphoric feeling like an enormous burden has been lifted. I am married so coming out is going to be really tough and painful. My husband will verbally abuse me to no end and do everything to make me feel like shit. But I can't stop being gay and am so happy that I've finally realized this about myself. I know that if I am to truly live life that I am going to have to embrace it instead of hiding from it. I'm going to pray that we both find the courage to be who we really are. P.S. I'm going to tell my piano teacher tomorrow night. He's gay but I'm really nervous about telling him. I love him as if he were my father and I just really want him to know.
I know what you mean about that euphoric feeling. After the initial terror, I had that feeling a few times. I was only able to come out to three people I knew, but it was just so.. freeing. I had to make sure they were the RIGHT people though. I had had some experience with women in the past, but it was funny how I just sort of... pretended it never happened and thought getting married would fix everything. We didn't even make it a year before we separated. I actually had a huge breakdown - we got married, and then after I had the twins I realized what I'd gotten into and that I was trapped in this huge, unfixable, permanent lie. I'd known since I was 11 or 12 I think that I really wasn't like the other girls. I experimented with girls before I experimented with boys... and I didn't do that part for the right reasons at all. I kept falling back into seeing girls quietly over the years.. high school.. college.. and it took me until just last year to finally say it out loud and come out to myself. But the longer I stay in the closet, the more I find myself trying to convince myself that hey, maybe I could be wrong, or maybe I could just suck it up and marry another man one day. Maybe I should just try harder. Then I hit bottom again when I admit to myself that yes, I'm gay, and no, I can't do that. I'm really glad you kept your job, Frustrated. My problems with legal fees and the job market have put me so far under that I will probably have to declare bankruptcy later this year. Let me know how it goes with your piano teacher -- I'm sure he'll understand. And yes, I ignored the emails from the group, etc, and just.. didn't go back. I'm so tired of my life being dominated by anxiety. They have a coming out support group at the LGBT community center l=on the 6th, and I think I'm going to try to get someone to watch the kids so I can go. I'm nervous just THINKING about it.
