Hi, I don't really know how to start, so I'll just try to explain my situation (and I know this is gonna be too long, but I just dont know how else to explain myself). A couple of months ago I came to a realization that I might have to accept the fact that I'm probably gay. I don't want to go into the details about my past, but basically I've felt for a long time, that I might be gay (lack of interest in girls, and sexual atraction to "real men"), but I denied it and never wanted to accept it, thinking it might be just a phase that will pass, but by now, after many years, at the age of 25, it never did. The other thing that bothered me that if I was suposed to be gay, I didn't feel like a "stereotypical" gay individual, nor was I ever attracted to that kind of appearance and also there is noone that I would know of being gay here where I live. All of this always made me feel like I dont really fit anywhere, so it was really hard for me to open up and let people close to me. This is also a reason that I don't have a lot of friends and what bothers me the most in this "department" is that I don't have a best friend, like usually everyone that I know or hear about or even see on TV all the time - a person that you could trust with everything. But to go back to the topic, as I mentioned above, things kind of changed a couple of months ago. What happened is that I came across an article about a Welsh rugby player coming out as gay. I read the story over and over again, since it made me realize, that there are people out there, "real man" kind of people that don't look like a "stereotypical" gay person, and happen to be gay also. And that realization came to me with a rush of feelings that were completely new to me. I even decided to check this person out on a certain social networking service (which I dont know if I can name) and when I did, the feelings just got stronger. And I know this is wierd to get feelings like that over the internet but they were there, and I just couldnt shake them off and it might have even been a crush, or it might have just been the familiarity that I felt to his situation that made me feel this way, but it's how I felt every day after that and I couldn't stop thinking about it. To make this part short, I'll just say that I contacted this person, and it really helped me with partial acceptance of myself, but due to some bad regretfull choices on my part it ended abruptly after a few messages which kind of left me stuck here, not knowing how to deal with all of this new-found feelings and realizations and how to move on. I did however get an advice to contact local (or rather closest) gay community, which I attempted, but I still haven't gotten any reply. And to personally try to go there, it's just too uncomfortable to me right now. So now I'm wondering all the time how to actually fully accept that part of me, that has been with me for a long time, but I never wanted to accept before. Also I'm affraid that due to the fact, that I dont have many friends to start with, I might loose the few that I have with eventually coming out and it has been bothering me for quite some time now, not even to mention the fears of how my family would take this. But the main thing here is that I actually want to move on, because those few moments that I had, with the new found realizations, and those few messages that I exchanged with the beforementioned person, even if just for a few moments, it kind of made me at peace with myself thinking this might be ok, but I just don't know how to get there. So to anyone that would be able to give a helping hand and share an advice or anything regarding my situation, I would really appreciate it.
Well, i've gone through a pretty similar situation, with not accepting myself, not having many friends, etc... but i'm only 13 at the moment. I have accepted myself recently, and telling my friends made me feel so much better. Do you know if they are homophobic or not? Finding that out could help. Your new found realizations are a big step, and finding more "real men" you are attracted to is helpful. I think you should wait for a reply from the nearby gay community, or find others, that may help you accept yourself even more. Letting people know who you are is very important though, since you're 25, and may have more serious feelings now. Hope i helped at all, good luck.
First off, secretgirlX is absolutely correct (and much wiser beyond her 13 years!!!), a lot of us (myself) included have had to undo (or are still undoing), years, sometimes decades of homophobic conditioning. Its hard to admit your "something" when you've endured years of being taught that this "something" is bad. Even once you accept that you are this "something" and cannot change it, a part of you still believes that "something" is wrong and if you're that "something", you are somehow wrong or at least inferior. Unlearning this process takes some time, but the first step towards unlearning it and learning new ways of thinking is, in this case, to commit to acknowledging, first privately (in your head, so-to-speak) and then publicly, that you are this "something." And that something is gay. Practice saying the phrase "I am gay" to yourself in your head first. Then say it out loud when no one can hear. It gets easier and easier each time you say. And remember coming out is a long process, but the good news is we're here and we've been through what you've been through and we're here to help. And remember, there's nothing wrong with being gay. F u c k anyone who says otherwise. Your post also says to me that you do still have some internalized homophobia (thinking that gays can only act one way or can't be masculine), and that's okay, a lot of us did, I did and still do to some extent. This is the result of years and years of cultural conditioning. But you already know those few moments of self-honesty brought an inner peace and when you fully begin to accept who you are, that peace will only increase. Suddenly, when you realize that gay is okay and that you are gay, you won't have to hide from yourself any longer. And remember, there's no sunlight in the closet. ---------- Post added 1st Feb 2012 at 05:28 PM ---------- And as for losing friends and possibly family, seek out an LGBT resource where you live, if possible. They can provide you the support and friendship you need to help you through this.
First thanks to both of you for a reply. @secretgirlX About finding out if my friends are homophobic... I really can't tell since as I mentioned above, I don't know of any gay people around here, in fact I feel like I might be the first one and also I think that none of the friends knows any either so the conversation topic never really goes there, which makes it hard for me to know friends' thoughs on that. Also about finding more people that I might be attracted to is hard for me since every guy that looks atractive seems straight to me and I dont know how to go about with that. However I am still hoping to get a reply from the gay community center I tried to contact. @GoogieHowser You're probably right about the homophobic conditioning since I live in a small town with no (to me known at least) gay activity, so everyones mindset is pointed towards the "normal" 'finding a girl, getting married and having kids' way of life, at least thats the impression I get from the people and for a long time I was thinking that this is how it would have to be with me also with the exception that I didn't know how I was ever gonna find a girl for which I would have any feelings for. But now I do realize that I will eventually have to break through these "social restrictions" that are considered "normal" here. Don't get me wrong though. It's not like our country is "layed back" on the LGBT situation and its not like it's being oppressed or anything. From what I have seen on the gay communities' web sites, our country is doing a lot to make LGBT community more acceptable and there are a few LGBT communities in the big town not so far from where I live, but in the small town that I do live this whole deal is just not talked about that much.
I find myself in the exact same position you are in except 10 years your senior. It's hard coming to terms with your sexuality, especially this late. (not saying I'm old or anything but I'm definitely not in high school) I've been fortunate to have access to a therapist at an affordable rate due to my association with a university. She is the first person I've ever admitted my feelings to and when I did I cried for probably the first time in 20 years. It's really helped me to talk to people face to face. Even if you can't afford to see a therapist, talking with other gay men at your closest LGBT center could really help.
I am in a similar situation with having to figure out if my friends are homophobic or. For the most part i just ask them how they feel about gay people and if they don't really care or dont seem to hate them, then i tell them that i am gay because they usually ask why i asked them that. If they give a negative response i just say that i met one earlier and i thought he was really nice. But that's where i am right now and it seems to be working. Being able to tell the people you love the most that you're gay is a great feeling though because then you have someone to confide in. I am lucky enough to know one such person Good Luck
I'm really thankfull for the replies and that people are actually reading my post . It also feels very comforting knowing that I'm not alone and the only one going through such a situation at "later age" since I usually see people saying they're coming out in their high school years or earlier. Also BuzzSnail, thanks for sharing your story and I would more then love to talk to someone in person about all this, but at this stage I'm kind of terrified of going to the LGBT center out of fear of being seen going there by someone I know, with it resulting in being outed. fedora777 thanks for the comforting words . I just wish I was so comfortable talking about the whole LGBT situation with my friends as you are. But even just getting replies here and reading other posts on EC really helps me build some confidence. So I really apprecciate all the support.
it's funny, a lot of people feel "different" from everyone else, and oddly enough there are so many people that feel like that, wouldn't that mean that we're all kind of the same? i really understand where you're at and will hit more on the relationship thing. i always felt different, and had few "friends" and no "best" friends. i have a really difficult time getting close to people. i can get to know them on the surface, but seldom, if ever, came to that zone where i just feel totally at ease with me and me being with another person or people. ironically, because i felt so socially inept and inadequate, i put myself in some kind of pressure cooker; i felt so much inside that wanted to get out, but it had no where to go. that can do a number on anyone. so, more than anything, i'm finding that i have to start opening up in general to people and not be afraid of what they're gonna think. and again, that doesn't necessarily mean just about my attractions towards men, but in general. in that situation, whenever you feel like addressing anything about your sexuality, it will be easier, because you started to trust people and you'll find who you can trust more than others. trusting people takes taking the risk of getting hurt. but it's worth the risk. it takes work especially bro, since i've...we've practiced being so closed for so long, but it's critical in any relationship and for us to be able to move forward in intimacy with another person. thanks again for your sharing..... we're in this together
Thanks Sunsetting, this means a lot to me. In fact sharing here and seeing acceptance from you guys, has helped me better accept myself and the feelings I have and this makes me feel a bit more relieved so thanks again to all of you.
Seriously its hard. Theres no way around it. I grew up in a house where your orientation doesn't matter, I have gay family members and I probably had one of the best situations to grow up in as a gay....but...I didnt realize it until beginning of college. So that whole time I had been conditioned to think of "heterosexual society" as "normal". I've been slowly coming out to certain individuals starting around when I was 20, I'm 24 now and its still hard. I still have friends who I'm scared to tell. I still am horrified someone at work will find out (I'm a mechanic, lots of gay jokes thrown around a lot and other "manly talk"), and I still havnt told my parents....And top of it, because I still emerse myself in this overly testosteroned hetero-society, I still feel like I'm different. Or I'm not normal. In the past two years I've made a few gay friends from people I know and going to gay bars, even dating websites and it has just made me more comfortable with myself and my feelings. It's been a long struggle to get this far and I know I still have a bit to go but it does get better. My best advice is to go to that gay community and meet some people that know what you're going through. Just go hang out, don't even talk about your situation, just emerse yourself in that community so you can realize there is nothing weird or not normal about it. OK I feel I've rambled a bit but I hope it helps....
I appreciate the reply Bi Since Birth and I know exactly how you feel about work related issue. I myself am a physical worker also for the time being and I hear a lot of "manly talk" from people I work with also, bashing this and that, including occasional LGBT related topic and that doesn't help. However about the LGBT community I mentioned in the posts above, I finally got a reply from them today actually. And the person behind the message invided me over for a chat, if I was willing, and I might actually go and see what happens. I'm just unsure yet of when to go... have to gather some more courage to overcome the fears .
I have been thinking about this a lot. To whom I would come out first when I'm actually ready to come out. Most of my friends are guys, and the girls that I'm friends with, are not actually so close. But I have this feeling, that it would be much less of a shock to come out to a girl (for me as a guy) then to a guy, as for girls it would only be a friend that feels kind of like they do, but for a guy it would mean someone that might be attracted to them. So what I am wondering is, for those that alredy came out to at least one person, who was the first person that you came out to. Was it a person of the same or the opposite gender then you are? Or at least (if you came out to more then one person) who was it easier with or who took the news better (same idea... same or opposite gender). I know that it all depends on the relations you have with specific people, but I was just wondering if there is anything to this, that might help me decide who would be the best person for me to consider coming out to first. I would appreciate anything that anyone might be able to throw in my direction regarding this.
well. My first person I came out to was my girlfriend in college, she thought it was hot... but i dont really count that The first person I came out to was my best friend at the time (male). He actually took it well, he said he already figured that out awhile ago, I was floored. After that I came out to a group of friends, all guys, on Halloween two years ago. We are all at a bar drinking and I was drunk and seemed like a good time haha. They all were like "wtf, nooo wayy!!!??" My friend who was about to join the airforce at the time and is very masculine was sooo surprised haha but he gave me a hug and thanked me for trusting him enough to tell him. Seriously that was a great experience. As far as women go, that seems to be the ones I have problems with. My freind and I were just hanging out in my car smoking one night and the subject came up so i came out to her....she didnt talk to me again for 2 months....I think its cause she had a crush on me...so you never really know whats gonna happen. We talk now and are better friends than before though she opens up to me with her personal problems way more than before. I've never lost a friend coming out to them yet. I have a few really close friends to go still. My sister took it really hard too, I didn't speak with her for months after she told me I "was making a bad decision being bi"...like i have a choice lol My parents are my next goal, before my bday in July :/ ---------- Post added 7th Feb 2012 at 08:55 PM ---------- i have to say my sister and I are good now, we just dont talk about it :/
Thanks, I appreciate this. I guess I should just trust my gut and consider someone I trust the most, regardless of gender. I still have a lot to think about anyways, before I'll be ready to make those steps. And regarding your parents, I wish you best of luck when you are ready to come out to them
This subject has been on my mind for a while as well. I get the feeling it's on a lot of peoples minds once they become comfortable with their sexuality. My current thoughts are to talk to my best friend (male). I think I'm kind of afraid of the same thing you are, that he'll think I'm attracted to him (I'm not, at least not consciously), but I'm pretty confident he will accept me. I am sure I'll get the courage to do it someday and I'm sure you will too. Besides what's the rush? I'm still getting to know the new me.
