Sorry for the huge wall of text. Well, yesterday I was successful in my plan. Kind of. There are a few problems that I want advice on, so I shall start at the end of the day yesterday. My day was going well. We found out our grades, and I was quite pleased with how I did. Then I had hockey practice. We were doing 3-on-threes in the zone, and my crush Nicole knocked me over. I'm kind of small, so it hurts when a larger girl falls on you. I had been stressed out all day. I missed an application deadline, I was planning to come out, and Nicole had angered me quite a bit by not introducing the fee for the team apparel properly (she's a captain). My emotions kind of took over my mind, which happens to me sometimes. I've been working on it, though, but this time I just kind of snapped. I kicked out hard at Nicole:eek:. I didn't hurt her, but she did seem really angry. I avoided going near her for the rest of the practice, and got off the ice as soon as I could. I was really disappointed in myself. I should be better than that! I changed back into day clothes, and immediately went to the bus to go back to school. I really wanted to hurt myself, so I pulled out an earring (the dangly kind) and started scratching at my wrist, actually breaking skin for the first time. I was almost proud of myself:help:. After a few minutes, everyone started coming on to the bus. Nicole came over and asked why I had kicked her. I just apologized. I couldn't tell whether she noticed the scratching or not. I was so disappointed in myself, so I just said sorry. I wasn't ready to come out to her right then. She was angry, which I understood, but I feel like coming out would make her less likely to accept me. I was crying pretty hard by then, and one of my other friends, Clasby, came over. She was trying to console me. I think she noticed the scratching, but I don't think she will tell anyone. She was telling me I was a great person, which to me , ALWAYS feels patronizing. She started crying, so then it was my turn to help her, which made me feel a bit better. She really wanted to know why I was so upset, and I ended coming out to her. It wasn't how I planned, which I hate. Clasby accepted me, but when she found out that I had a crush on someone in our grade (I go to an all girls school), she immediately guessed Nicole. Is it really that obvious:bang:? Earlier she had been talking about how Nicole is not a nice person. She isn't really. Nicole can be tactless, and doesn't seem to care so much about some peoples feelings> I've tried to stop liking her, but it just doesn't work:icon_redf. I think no coaches noticed that I kicked Nicole, so I think I can stay on the team. We won our game today, and Nicole didn't talk to me at all. I don't blame her for being mad at me, I just hope she didn't overhear my and Clasby's conversation.
I had the opportunity last year to come out to someone on my softball team (we weren't friends but she was in most of my class, was friends with the girl i previously liked, and was really nice) but i just wasted it. I'm really proud of you, even though i don't know you, for doing that. I get the whole thing with being afraid to tell the girl you like, and there's no rush. But if you aren't great friends with her, and she isn't really nice, i hate to say this but I suggest not telling her yet. I have a whole story from experience about that, and it didn't go so well. Coming out to your other friend is amazing though, you should be proud. :eusa_clap
Coming out can be a bit of mangled process. I honestly doubt that it ever goes the way you exactly expected it to go. If anything, just be glad that you have friends that are so loving and accepting, even if the way they learned wasn't the way you wanted it to. It might even be better that way. If you placed so much thought into planning it, it'll be even harder to stick to it once you actually came to confrontation. You could of easily chickened out or beat around the bush. Here, you had a good cause, and good reason, and the motivation to confide in someone. At least now someone knows you're out. I can actually understand where you're coming from here with this Nicole girl, but from a somewhat altered situation. I tend to be very impulsive, which has led me to embarrass myself and screw up situations on several occasions. And quite a few of them involved my current person of interest. And on several of them, I can completely understand why she would have a grudge over me for. Luckily, she's pretty forgiving and it hasn't really been an issue. With Nicole, the best you could do is apologize and let her blow off steam. Personally, if you like her enough on a friend-basis and trust her, then it would make sense to come out to her. However, by the sound of it, you're crush on her seems more out of just pure attraction then an actual friendly relationship. I'm sorry if I'm quick to judge, but that's just the impression I'm getting by you're description of her. If you're trying get over her and yet you're still friends, it's going to be hard. Hell, I've been struggling with the same thing for almost a year now. But if you don't even know her all that well, then nothing a little time will do to help you get over her.
