As some of you may know, I made a stupid decision a couple of months ago to try to end myself. I have come to accept what I did and to be able to say it openly in a short time, which I am proud of myself for. My main reasons were my complete and utter loneliness, coupled with the disability I have that disables me from being able to speak. I was under the initial impression that one day I would speak again, but since the even mentioned I have been unable to speak to anyone. I suppose I'll learn to live with no hope in that aspect. What I am so worried about right now is how I can learn to cope. Almost no girl wants to be with me because of my disability, and those who do, only do so because they think it's 'cute' that I rely solely on expression. I wish they could see it from my perspective. I can barely remember my own voice any more. I used to record myself singing and playing guitar or harp, but I don't recognise that voice. I keep going off topic. Perhaps it has to do with the fact I've had contact with nothing but shrinks, nurses and doctors for the past month. I'm not sure. I just need someone to be here for me right now. I've never admitted in need for company in the past as I have always seen it as an act of desperation to some extent, but to be honest, I am desperate. I want to talk to someone. I can't speak, but that doesn't matter. I want to talk with my heart, my soul, my emotion, my expression. A lot more can be said through those than can be said through voice alone. I want to sleep in my own bed again sometime soon. Hospitals and wards should at least be pleasing to the eye. Must they make them as dull and dreary as those who 'check up on me' from time to time? I miss everyone here. I promise I'll return soon. xo Love you all.
I'm sorry you went through that and I'm glad you're on the road to getting your mind in a better place. We miss you here and if you ever need to talk you can PM me.
Oh, how I wish I could be there and give you a hug. I tried to kill myself last year. No one can know EXACTLY how you feel, but it sounds like you and I share the same loneliness. Unlike you, I created my own loneliness because I would not speak. And I put myself in a pit. I'm still dealing with the issues I had last year, but I am learning to cope. You can, too. We were both given second chances at life—that must mean there is more for us to do. Just within the last two weeks I have finally found someone I can talk to who accepts me for who I am. Even my family will not do that. I hope that you can find someone for you. Be open to love and friendship--it will find you. You express yourself beautifully in writing. Speech is so taken for granted that it becomes mundane. There are so many richer, more powerful ways of expressing yourself that transcend vocal expression. I hope you can find YOUR way. Hugs, Tracker
Thank you both. I'll be sure to PM you Tiny. Thanks Tracker, I think I'll come out of all this as a stronger person. Well I hope so at least!
Jazz: Feel free to PM me, too. Even though we're on the other side of the world from each other, at least we can help each other out. Tracker
If you ever need a chat just to take your mind off of everything for a couple of hours then feel free to message me. I hope that you can go home soon, but remember, on here you are always at home (&&&) xx
Thank you Tracker, I will do I certainly feel like this is my real home, even if I haven't been here for so long. Thank you!
That must be horrible not being able to talk! I sympathise with you. I hate not being able to talk when I get tonsillitis and that's only for a week or so! Feeling so alone is not a good feeling. I recently lost all my friends through a vicious rumour about me and had to start a new school so I can relate to the loneliness. I don't make friends easy and it took long enough to get the ones I had that loosing them all at once was a HUGE thing for me. Pile that on top of loosing two jobs with no notice because both bosses didn't want to pay me anymore and exam stress and a depressed, self-absorbed mother who won't take you seriously when you say you need help -- I was so close to offing myself too. Loneliness it a terrible thing for humans. We were not meant to be alone. Have you ever thought about learning sign language? You and some friends could learn it together. It would be fun and you'd have a better way to communicate. You can learn it online easily enough. If you already know it, maybe you could teach some basics to some friends so they would understand or maybe try and find a deaf community near you because they would already sign. But making it though things like this is what shows that you are a strong person -- if you're strong enough to live though a suicide attempt, you can make it though anything! and be even better for it!
I somewhat have the same disability too having just read the symptoms, sometimes I just feel like I'm going crazy and isolated, even though I'm around people i.e work... I have gotten better, but I always go back to square one.
