I'm sure alot of you saw my other recent post, about my issue of self-hatred regarding my orientation. I've been trying to work through the feelings and figure out what's really going on, and I've made a little progress. I realized I logically accepted my sexuality, but never really emotionally accepted it if that makes any sense. Like I know I'm bisexual, I know that's who I am and logically I know its impact on my life. I'm just struggling with accepting the emotions behind those things. Until very recently I just lived with this belief that no one would accept me unless they had some sort of personal reason to, for example if they are LGBT themselves. That was normal to me, and I still catch myself thinking that way. Obviously since realizing my sexuality, I've paid more attention to LGBT issues and realized that people don't need a personal reason to be ok with it. It still amazes me every time I see my straight friends being totally accepting of some mutual friends that are gay and bi. I still have trouble talking myself out of the belief that people will hate me for it, which has caused another main thing behind my issue: I believe that if I keep it in my head its ok; if I don't, it's not. I can either hide it forever, which is hard and maybe impossible, or tell some people I trust, which is terrifying. I realized: I'll never be able to really accept myself if I hold on to the belief that others will not accept me either. The only way for me to know if they're accepting is for them to know. I'm considering telling one of my closest friends. I'm pretty sure she would be accepting, considering she seems totally fine with some mutual friends that are gay and bi. I've kind of hinted at it before, and nothing changed between us. I'm wondering if she's ok with it, or just didn't realize I was hinting at anything. What I'm worried about is if things go wrong. Only one person knows I'm bi, and that's a bit different than this situation. With the person that knows, she asked me so I didn't have to bring it up AND we don't see eachother much, so it's less awkward. With the person I want to tell, I would have to bring it up and I see her nearly every day, for several hours (we go to the same karate school, we're both instructors, both on the demo team, etc.). If it doesn't go well I'm totally screwed. I tend to worry that people will only think I'm telling them because I like them, based on the fact that I like men and women. I don't know if this is a common problem, but just within my friends, family, and others I associate with there are ALOT of misconceptions about bisexuality and it's really hard to tell who believes what. I don't want people to think I just like all my friends or something because that's not the case at all. I keep freaking out and thinking "am I really having to do this?" Having to figure out what to do about coming out seems to be one of the parts I never really accepted about being bi. I'm really stressed out over this, but I feel like I need to do something. I apologize for another long post, but I really need to get this out in a place where I feel its safe to talk about. I would really appreciate anyone's insight on this because I have no idea what to do. Thanks everyone. (*hug*)
Nemo, I can totally relate to what you have said. I went through a similar thing, although it was with my girlfriend. The only difference was that I thought I was gay but then other feelings came to light. but thats a different story. When I wanted to tell my girlfriend I was terrified. Really worried that she would just up sticks and leave. That I repulsed her, that I wasn't a man to her anymore. Pretty much any worrying thing I could tell myself came up. But in actual fact when I told her, sure initially she was shocked. But after that she was so supportive. She is probably the only reason I have made as many steps as I have. I know its not exactly the same but I did learn a few things going through that experience. Your perception in your head of what might happen rarely reflects reality. You will really learn who your friends are when you tell them something as personal as this. But once you do take that step, there isn't an emoticon to describe that freeing feeling. I'm not very far ahead of you in terms of the process. It has still been difficult and I still argue with myself. I also havent had someone act badly to the news that I am bisexual. It may well happen, who knows. It will probably hurt alot but from the reading I have done so far its a right of passage. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
