So, first things first: I feel like a monster. Let me explain that. I’ve been shutting down my emotions. The only thing that tears me up, or makes me happy, is Harry Potter, or stories I read or movies I watch. Right now, the fan-fiction I’m piecing together is one of the few things I laugh and smile at, or cry over choice between which of my favorite characters I’m going to kill off. I don’t cry in front of people, and I don’t normally smile or laugh in front of people. I only see the worst in people; how they’re mean, or obnoxious or lazy etc. I’m becoming a cruel, insensitive person, and I hate it, but it’s for my own good. You ask why I believe it is for my own good. Well, I believe that if I shut down my emotions, I will survive this mess. I am dealing with a tough situation (aren’t we all?) at the moment. I am the fourteen-year-old child that just wants to get away from everything (though not through suicide; I do not want to die). I am currently living with my mother and her boyfriend and my sister and her boyfriend, in my sister and her boyfriend’s house. We were evicted (apparently not legally, but I’m not getting in to all of that bullshit because it’s not my concern) from our other house because my mother was not caught up with rent. Now, most of you may look at that and go ‘Oh, that’s reasonable. She wasn’t paying rent.” Well, yeah, it is reasonable, I agree, however we had to practically rebuild that house. It was completely stripped when we began renting it; pipes were torn and all of the plumping had to be installed (there was no shower, toilet, sinks, nothing), wires had to be run, walls had to be insulated, etc. The landlord had agreed to be lenient on the rent because she knew we had to rebuild the house and that my mother didn’t make any money except for my child support from my father and the money her boyfriend made. So, apparently she kicked us out for not paying rent and for having a pitbull/mastiff mix dog (yes, I know that there’s a bunch of annoying legal crud with it, I’ve heard all about it). Well, we left the house, and moved in with my sister and her boyfriend. Now, here comes an even more entertaining part. The landlord is trying to sue my mother over the ‘damage’ that was caused (i.e. the air conditions being put in without permission). I do not believe this is damage in the least bit because I personally think we should’ve returned the house to its original condition: bare and unlivable). So, isn’t that just effing peachy? This, and everything that has happened to me in the past six or seven years (since even before my grandmother died and threw my mother into a depression, I’m going to say I haven’t felt truly safe or happy since I was seven) has caused me to become very rude and antisocial. If I’m writing fan-fiction (which is all I ever do anymore), or reading, and someone disturbs me, I have to bite my tongue to stop from yelling, saying something sarcastic, or cussing (though this is only to my family, as I respect everyone I do not know) at them. The only person I don’t flip out on is my sister; I don’t know how to explain why I don’t, I guess it’s just that she understands me, even if I don’t tell her anything. I can’t even talk to someone without coming off as rude simply because I have nothing to say, which causes conversations to be dull and short and very uncomfortable. I’m becoming a monster. Living in this town, with my mother, is wrecking havoc on me. I don’t even feel like I love her anymore because her ailments and appearance and just everything about her irks me, makes me ashamed to live with her. I’ve heard how my family talks about her behind her back, and how she talks about my family behind their backs. It’s so stressful, like I’m stuck in the middle with my sister, trying to make ends meet without losing our grips on them. I want so desperately to get away from it all, but I can’t, not without hurting someone. If I move with my father, I’ll be almost as bad off, money-wise, because he and his wife have my half-brother to take care of, and he’s in day-care because they both work. The day-care bill is expensive; they can’t afford another child. Not to mention, my mother would probably just fall into a deep depression if I left to be with my father. I really don’t know what to do. I’m torn between so many screwed up situations. I think all I’ve posted on here were my problems. Help, please.
I'm sorry you are having such a tough time. (*hug*) I may not be the most useful person to hand out advice. But you should know that you can say whatever you need here and there are lot of people on EC to support you. It is great you have such a wonderful sister. Keep your chin up!
