This past week my mother was hospitalized and had surgery to remove a tumor and blood that hemorraged in the frontal lobe of her brain. After testing, the results showed that the tumor is malignant and of the most aggressive type. The oncologist said that the bell curve for survivability after diagnosis has an average of 1.5 years with an upper limit of 5 years. They are planning radiation and chemo after she recovers from the initial surgery and goes through physical therapy. Needless to say, this has turned our world upside down and we are living a nightmare. Has anyone on EC known someone that had brain cancer and if so, are there any recommendations for treatments, online resources for coping with this, etc.? From what the oncologist was saying, there isn't much hope for longevity with this type of cancer, so we are trying to wrap our heads around this and try to make the most out of the time we have left with my mom.
I don't have experience with brain cancer per se, but my mother died of colon cancer less than five years ago. One of the things that helped my mother the most was joining a cancer survivor* support group. Being in a group gave her support and surrounded her with people who understood what she was going through and could help her better than her other friends and family could. Equally important for you is deciding how you will handle this. I was younger than you are when my mom was dying, and still living with her. In her final month I read to her every night as a way to connect with her, and my dad did his best to ensure that she was able to get out of the house when she needed or wanted to, especially when leaving the house became difficult. When your mother dies, you'll want to be at least somewhat busy so that you have something to do. Take time to grieve, but try to stay engaged in the world. Possibly the hardest thing about having someone close to you die is that the world does not stop. For the deceased, the world has stopped, and for you, her loving survivor, the world will feel as though it's being unspeakably cruel for not stopping. The sheer normalcy of reality became horribly oppressive to me, and quite hard to understand. Staying active helped to keep some of that at bay. You also should make sure you have people available whom you can talk to. You won't want to always, but it's nice to know that they're there for when you do want to. *"Survivor" being preferred by many people who have cancer over "patient" for a whole hose of reasons I won't go into.
Thanks for the advice Mogget. In talking with my mom about bucket-list type things she wants to do, she has been encouraging me to keep on with my personal life during this, such as begin dating. Among the million thoughts that have gone through my head, the one thing I would really love is if I can meet someone I like to bring home to meet my parents while she's still here. Also, I'm in the final stages of finishing my Master's Degree and am teaching a biology lab, so at least I will have other activities to occupy my mind. My closest friends have already been here for me the past week and have been amazingly supportive. As depressed as I've been this week about what lies ahead for my mom and us, I am glad that she is still alive, that we can talk to her, and she still has her comprehension and memories. Over a week ago when she went comatose from symptoms that we thought were just flu, I thought I'd never be able to talk again to the person I've been closest to in this life. She's still here and I plan on trying to spend as much time with her as I can while she's around.
KB may be able to give you some insight on conventional treatments and outcomes. I can give you information on alternative therapies (and, as well, which ones have plausible data to back up their claims and which don't.) A lot depends on what type of tumor it is. If it's a metastatic tumor that had a primary somewhere else (i.e, originated in breast, even if it was never found there), which is common, then it's a lot harder to treat. If it's a primary, it depends on what type of primary it is. There are some, such as astrocytoma, that have shown some promise with certain alternative therapies. Also, attitude really has a tremendous role in both how the patient tolerates treatment, and actually in long-term outcome. So keeping her engaged, working to support her in keeping her spirits up, encouraging her to do meditations and guided imagery to help her body fight all make a huge difference. And as others have said, you really need to take care of yourself. Don't hold in the emotions, let them flow. Talk to the support staff at the hospital and arrange to see a social worker... they can help with the emotions and related psychological stuff that your family is going through right now. Finally... one of the most important things: Be realistic, but don't believe it's a death sentence. There was a study that looked at longevity and varied what the patients were told by their doctor. The surprising finding was, regardless of whether the doctor's diagnosis of how much time they had was remotely accurate when evaluated with a second opinion, most patients obeyed their doctor and died when they were "supposed" to. Simply getting out of the mindset that 1.5 years or whatever time is a true number is important; I know hundreds of people (literally) who have beaten the odds and lived 20, 30, 40 years after being given months or years to live. Again, you have to be realistic and acknowledge it's *possible* the doctor is right. But there's plenty of data that shows that patients who simply refuse to accept a death sentence, who maintain a positive outlook, and who take active steps to improve their health have much better outcomes, longer survival, and fewer complications than those who simply accept their doctor's pronouncement.
First of all: (*hug*)(*hug*) My dad was also diagnosed with a tumor of the frontal lobe, now almost 8 years ago. though in his case, the prognosis was rather more grim: 3 months. In the end, he doubled that, but that was obviously still only 6 more months. Operating wasn't a possibility as that would have done so much other brain damage the cure was worse than the disease. And usually, there would be lots of periods where he was just unable to concentrate for more than three minutes. It wasn't precisely the best period in my life, but I do think that what got me through it were several things: - Not compromising on spending time together. And especially the mindset while you're doing it. Don't see it as a "bucket list", don't see it as "this is maybe the last time we do X together". Just see it as: "hey, we enjoy each other's company, and we're making that a priority right now!" The last time I went for a walk with my dad was just that: a walk, talking about everything and (mostly) nothing. The last time I went to a concert with him, it was just that: enjoying some jazz. Don't make it too bitter and make it as enjoyable and carefree as you can muster. - Talking helps. Especially afterwards. How to talk about it depends on your normal disposition, obviously. What helps for me is usually just occasionally mentioning "what would dad do". Or recount some anecdote if it is appropriate. Sometimes my friends even tell me they can't quite tell whether my dad is still alive or if he passed away. Because generally, I'll just mention him in present tense. (which is different from denial, by the way. I don't deny he has passed away. But that doesn't mean he can't still be an influence in my life, and through that, still live on). - Some balance is best. I kept up studying for my exams, or hanging out with friends every week, and going to judo practice. Having some routine stops you from losing yourself, and (at least in my case), it also seemed to put my dad at ease. As if it were proof that life was OK, and would continue on. Don't underestimate the comforting effect of that either! One word of caution, though: Be careful on your dating plans. I mean: do date, by all means, but be careful you're not progressing too fast just to be able to present someone at home in time. That's a bad start for a relationship in the first place, and should it not lead anywhere, it might be impossibly hard to break up again ("This is the boyfriend mom approved, and I'll have to stick with him!" is not a situation you want to risk finding yourself in). So: do meet other guys, but this is one thing you should not hurry and take every caution you'd normally take. Above all: try to enjoy the moments you have! Stay as optimistic as you can. And if you need people to talk to, we're all here! (*hug*)
Thanks for the advice guys! In regards to trying to start dating, I did NOT mean to convey that I'm going to just go after guys for the sole purpose of finding someone suitable for my parents to meet while my mom is still alive. I mainly just want to start actually "playing the field" so that, if I find someone I like that I get into a steady relationship with, I would have the opportunity of having him meet my folks. Since coming out 8+ months ago I haven't really made any headway towards dating, other than asking a guy out on a dinner date that went nowhere. I just want to start making a more concerted effort towards meeting other gay guys rather than being stuck in the same rut I've been in my whole life up to this point. My mom has been super supportive of me since I came out and I don't want her to see me not living my life openly (the idea of life continuing on, as you said Filip).
