hi all, I've got a bit of a complicated situation here and I'm hoping some new perspective can help me out. In short, I fell in love with my best friend. He knows I love him but claims not to feel the same. We lived together for 2 years and had sex for almost 10 months, almost daily. He was sleeping with women too, and kept saying we were just experimenting. Well he moved out (and out of state) and in with a woman. That lasted a year and he's back now- only 15mins from me. The first time I saw him, I put my arm around him and said it's good to have you home- he put his head on my chest and I kissed him. We've had sex twice in the past months- the 2nd time was awesome-- but he said it was going to be the last time. But he constantly brings it up. He says he doesn't know how to say "yes" to being with me- it's not what he wants. But it tells me I look good, that he loves going down on me, that he wants my hands all over him again.Then he's like no I can't, I kind of like this girl. It's so confusing for me bc at one time he told me he loved me and then quickly changed it to "as a brother". He recently decided to "try to come out" on a social site- leaving comments and liking my photos. he wanted to see how he'd feel about being out and what his friends would say. None of them care, most have told him to go for it. He asked a mutual friend about it and she told him, you talk about him all the time, he turns you on, you know how he feels about you, it's clear that you like him too so go for it. He agreed with her but said he couldn't and we need to just be friends. He basically told me that he doesn't want me to love him like a bf but as his friend. He said that I'm aggressive and sometimes pushy-- which I am but it's because I "lost" him once and don't want to again. IDK if he's just afraid of who he is and what he feels OR if he really doesn't want me. I try to give him space, and he makes first contact. It's like he can't go a day without talking to me. The sex is amazing and we both try to look good for the other- I'm not questioning the physical or sexual part. It's the emotional part. He's used the last girl as an excuse (I think) bc he said he still loves her (when she's not good for him-she spit in his face and called him a loser) He was happy when we lived together and had our secret relationship. he's also claimed that I only care about being with him and nothing else- he values the friendship and is afraid if the relationship fails, the friendship will be lost. I don't agree bc the friendship was built on such solid ground. It's hard all the way around- I love him and he knows it. Any ideas thoughts similar stories?? Please share them thanks G
i suggest getting some space from him. let him know you love him and that you want a releationship with him and that there's no pressure either way but it sounds like he needs time to figure thigns out and that you want to be sure for yourself that he is ready this time. so tell him to take the time he needs and hopefully when he is more clear you guys can get back together but if not, you'll always be good friends. let him know that being in limbo just makes you feel weird and that you're not forcing anything you just trying to make sure you are looking out for yourself too.
I agree with insidehappy. I think you need to talk to him and say 'you know I like you and want to be with you, but if its not what you want then I respect that, and we will continue to be great friends I would never want to loose that. However if this is how it is going to be then we have to stop flirting and having sex, because that mixes the signals for me and I need to move on and just enjoy our friendship. If you change your mind let me know.' Or something along those lines, he needs to know its his call, there is no pressure but he cant have his cake and eat it. I dont think he necessarily means to but its like he is stringing you along. Looking at what you have said I think he wants to be with you but hasnt come to terms with things within himself, make sure he knows you are there for him (which im sure you do) and then only he can do the rest.
I appreciate both the comments above and am working through my stuff too, so i'm kind of like him if you want another perspective :/
That's folks. I try to give him space-- but that's hard bc he thinks something's wrong if I don't contact him- so it's a double edged sword. He knows how I feel and I try very hard not to pressure him but accept his wishes. But it's hard when he sends me pics of himself and all the messaging about "us". He reminds of Fiona-- by day and in real life we are friends, online in a virtual world we're practically boyfriends. So it's a difficult situation he wants me to be aggressive but when I am I'm disrespecting him. Like pick one. and he used our last encounter as a reason to just be friends- bc I sat next to him and put my arm around when he "didn't want anyone to touch him" I was hoping I wasn't part of anyone. The next day, he tells me the hug was nice...so I'm confused... ugh
He's very confused about his own position to this relatioship. I think that on one side he finds you really attractive and wants to spend time with you. But on the other hand he just doesn't want to/isn't ready to fully come out with his sexuality- that's why he only acts boyfriend with you in the virtual world. My humble opinion would be to just lay it out to him, then give him a few days to think it over. Personally i think he truly wants you, he's just too scared to admit it to himself and others.
Thanks Silk and everyone, A slight update for you. He told me last Thurs (online) that he was in love with me and loved me but couldn't be with me. He even admitted to being gay. but He only wants to be friends and "really likes this girl." Well he came over Friday to chill and well, that's not all we did. We actually held hands on the couch and then well one thing led to another... He swears it's the last time and wanted to "get it out of his system" bc he's gonna be with this girl. He wants me to be happy for him and support the relationship. He said he couldn't give up the image he's created for himself and ppl would never know that side of him. He claims to value the friendship above all else and is afraid we will lose that. Well I gave him space after that, and I didn't really want to talk to him. I heard from him on Tues and he said he was going to stop by but knew something would happen (so much for the last hora). He is officially with the girl now but told me he really enjoyed himself the other night. I'm so confused on what to do or where to go now. Part of me just wishes he'd leave me alone and take the 4 yr friendship with him. I love him so much that it's hard to decide what is best for me. Now, he just found out he has some medical issues (high enzyme levels in his liver and pancreas). I told him it'd be easier to take care of him if he was here and he said "not going there". It's so hard bc there's this whole other side of him- the gay side that I know and fully accept but he can't/won't and no one else knows about it. You think this girl has any idea that we slept together? Ha not likely and do you think she'd stay with him if she knew what we did Friday and then he went to her Sunday? I think not-- but for me, I deserve more and better than what he's offering. Yes I love him, and I'm trying to be patient but I'm not waiting for him-- I'm out of tears at this point but i still want him.
Hey im sorry this is a rough situation but I think you deep down know whats best for you, you need to distance yourself from him and move on, im not saying cut all ties but hang out with other friends and possibly meet someone new (doesnt have to be soon). When you do this he will either continue to live his life as a lie or he will get jealous and decide he wants you more than he wants to live the 'ideal life' he has imagined for himself, either way the situation he has you in at the moment is unhealthy. I suggest if he starts anymore conversations which you consider to be more than a friendship conversation, stop it right there and tell him that whilst he is with the girl that cant happen, I know its tough but it will be better for you in the long run.
Thanks Silv... I guess he's sort of being a selfish ass at the moment-- or is he just so damn confused that he can't decide?? No matter what I do- I'm screwed- if I don't talk to him he wants to know if we are okay- then when I do talk to him it's like do i mention it? will he mention it? I know we will have sex again- but it will be when he wants it- and i know, I know I need to be strong enough to say NO... Damn love and all it's emotions
Executive summary: Nothing can happen until he confronts being gay. You need to help him with this, but in the mean time lay down boundaries, so he knows that he can't have his cake and eat it too. I would suggest directing him to counseling and/or EC, too. He clearly needs help and he is going to hurt both you and this girl as he figures things out. If you can't do this, then it is time to move on. I am going to disagree, here, and say you don't need distance, since you clearly care for him, but you do need to do two things. One is to call him on his BS. Like a previous poster said, he can't have his cake and eat it too. He is taking advantage of your affection for him, in order to deal with his own problems with his sexuality. This is the area that I think he needs help with. If he can accept that he his gay, then this will pave the road for your relationship. He has openly admitted to you to being gay, so getting into a relationship with a woman is probably not a good idea for him. As you already saw, he clearly will go outside of that relationship to satisfy this need. These girls he keeps talking about sound mostly like wishful thinking. He wants to be attracted to them because he can't deal with being gay. And let me tell you from experience, when you want to believe something, you can compartmentalize and be in denial and be totally convinced it will work out. Secondly, you need to be aware of your own desire about this relationship. Lay down boundaries and don't give into his flirting and advanced. It is what you want, but going along with it, only will prolong this limbo period. You need to make the point that if he does want to pursue this girl, then he needs to be faithful to her. You will only set yourself up to get hurt if you aren't the one to say no. You say, you are out of patience with him, so don't let him string you along. Be honest and frank, and try to be supportive, but you need to call a spade a spade. My one caveat is that if you don't think you can do this, to really make an effort to change the face of this relationship, then you really do need to move. As it stands, it is not healthy for you, and you deserve someone who can return all of the incredible affection you have to give. So either change it or move and focus on finding new (and better) relationships, both friends and otherwise.
I have little to no experience in the relationship world but i do know "people". I want you to keep in mind something I have heard a commedian (Katt Williams) say 100 times. "Sometimes you gotta look out for your star player" what he means by that is even though you seem to be a very loving caring dude, your #1 person in your life needs to be you! not him! I know that this is hard, real hard. I am going through a similar situation like yours except my best friend who im in love with isnt gay... so im sure you know how hard that is. But you need to try to just continue to boost your life, give it time because time heals all ya know. but you cant continue to have sex with him, keep in mind gay bi or straight he is a dude, and most men love having sex. So dont let him "use" you just for that.. Set your boundries and stick to your guns dude! GOOD LUCK!!!
Thanks again guys- There is nothing easy about this situation and I fight everyday to keep myself first. It's hard knowing that he has feelings with me and channels them. For months Id get daily good morning texts from him or random hope you're having a good day and they've all stopped. He's put all his time in this new girl (who I don't like and have no intentions in getting to know mainly bc the first time i met her she asked him if i was gay- and that pisses me off- like ask me if you're really that curious ab who I sleep with, not my best friend-) It is sometimes hard to be supportive with his coming out bc my feelings get involved and he doesn't like that. I know it is about him, but since we have this past (a quite sexual one) it's hard to keep his coming out all about him. But he'll say things like "i don't know how to say yes to you" and then take it back and say he can't (he's done that several times- and I've told him that's what hurts bc I get hopeful that he just might go for it and then says no i can't, i like this girl- so yes, it's frustrating. At this point, it is about me and I need to say NO. as hard as that is- right now, I don't want to see him or even talk to him. The friendship will crumble because of his choices- he's been distant from me and if we're best friends- why don't we ever chill or hang out or even talk like we use to? I mentioned that he was like "i'm sorry" he's a self-defeated... i just feel we could have a great relationship (esp that we had a secret/ DL one for almost a yr and we were happy) and I want that again. I don't expect him to tell the world we are together (at least right away- 6months down the line, more than likely). I told him I'd hold his hand through this and watch all the love and support WE would get bc I'm surrounded by people who love me FOR me and not for who I sleep with
If he really wanted to be just your friend then I don't think he should be having sex with you. Yeah there's the whole friends with benefits thing but that's not really a viable option. I'd give him a few days to think all this through and then afterwards sit him down and let him give you the final verdict of whether he wants you or not. And you can't let him have any wiggle room. It's either all of you or none of you. Whatever he decides, accept it.
I wish it didn't take so long to get better.... the entire situation sucks- I miss everything- from the friendship to my lover. Now that he's with this girl he's alienated himself from all of his friends- no one hears from him when he's with her. It's like he's been swallowed. He's been so fearful of losing the friendship yet he's the one who has changed it. He's knows we can't be just friends and so do I. I wish he could stop being a dumbass and follow his heart and not hide behind what ever illusions he's created. I'm trying hard not to be selfish but am I actually being selfish? Because I want to be with him- want him to be okay with who he is and without changing him or thinking he needs to change. I have always loved him for who he is but I'm the only one who knows that side of him, I know all of him including his darkest of secrets. I don't think he's being faithful fair or true to anyone involved (himself, the girl, or me). How does one walk away from love or pretend it's not there? Is this really over him not being able to accept the gay side of himself? Or am I missing something? I know I'm not alone in this so please give your input as we all seem to experience different levels of this Thanks
hi, im sorry you feel the pain but a dog with muddy paws can't track dirt into your house if you keep the door shut and keep him outside and that's what you need to do in this case. this guy is only using you at this point and you do not need to allow him to do this. its over. he has moved on. he is still confused of course but you have to move on too and stop worrying about what's going on with him. those are his own issues to work out. time to take care of yourself. he has basically cut you off but will reconnect wtih you when he wants sex. doesn't sound like a great healthy situation. so you need to cut him off too and move on. you can still be friends but when or if he tries to come back, just be upfront adn say that you have feelings for him adn you can't be friends right now because it will only keep the feelings going and that is not something the other guy wants. tell him that right nwo you need space but you're always cool and if he needs ya in a friend way, to let you know but right nwo you need distance from him. and then you should move on and try dating someone that is avaialble.
You two love each other. You love each other. Some say you have to respect the desires of those you love: in this case, he says he desires to stay with this woman, but you know that he's actually in love with you. He desires you, not her; don't deny it, don't forget it -- have confidence in this fact. Don't throw your love away, please! You'll regret it in dark hours in dark rooms later in your life. You must, despite his resistance, guide him gently through his sorrows and self-loathing. Ask him to do friendly things, talk to him. No sex for awhile. Use your words. He has at one point realised he loves you; you now have to make him realise that everybody in his life loves him and wishes him happiness, no matter what. Edit: minor spelling and grammar.
Thanks Laurie, This hasn't been easy for either of us. He's struggling to accept who he is and how he really feels in his heart. Part of him is still in love with the ex-fiance add to that feelings for me, liking this new girl and coming to terms with being gay. He feels now, that he has to be open about it and talk about it publicly. He told me today that only he can help himself on how to clear his head and heart. I'm doing all I can not to make this about me and doing my best to be there for him. I wish he had a supportive and understanding network of people like I do. From what I know of him his family is "anti-gay" as are most of his "friends" Personally, I think his family knows and are just waiting for him to admit it-- but I could be wrong. As far as the "friends", if they are going to judge him based on who he sleeps with, than they aren't friends anyway.
So now he's trying to tell people and they think he's joking and laugh it off-- so he stays in the closet-- idk how he's telling them or in what context. The new girl was like "he's ur boyfriend- but then she played it off and that was the end of it... He's been pretty much staying to himself past 2 days-- the ex fiance caused him more pain (idk what she did- he didnt want to talk about it) and he misses his kids. All things I understand and I just want to hold and comfort/console him but he wants to be left alone... so i'm feeling helpless but giving him space.
