Hello everyone! This is my first post, and I apologize for not having introduced myself beforehand. I had a flip through some of those posts on the forums. Man, I wish I could come out like that. I didn't think that the question that is currently bugging me would jump so quickly into my face. Even as I registered to join the forums I was eventually asked what my gender / orientation was. Can I answer that truthfully, accurately, honestly? Am I in the infancy of FtM or am I really just unhappy with gender roles in society? First of all, I'd like to state in advance that it is not my intention to offend anyone. I have come here because I am looking for opinions from people who are most likely to help me, your help will be greatly appreciated. Ok, a little about me. I´m a 23 yo female, but I hardly feel like one! I don't particularly have a strong desire to be a man - options such as hormone therapy and a sex change (even though they are remote) haven't been seriously considered. It's more of a mentality thing. It's about wanting that self-confidence that comes with being a male, a dominance that is usually associated with the gender (that I do display in relationships). I repudiated dolls during childhood, prefering boy toys, boy movies (tv shows). I used to be incredibly active outdoors, used to have a short crop of hair. I am an avid roleplayer and for years I have roleplayed strictly male characters (8 years now, and still going). I'll admit to a severe case of penis envy back then, and nowadays even though I don't necessarily mind what I have, the body of my boyfriend still leaves me mulling sometimes. Most of the friends I truly related with were guys, and as far as clothes are concerned my childhood was spent wearing tracksuits and sneakers up to the tender age of 12 when my parents began grooming me for teenage. Nowadays I wear mostly hoodies, docmartens, fairly neutral jeans. I understand that the clothes do not make the person, neither do the past actions of life but...have I been sitting in the dark all this time, refusing to own up to these facts? I'm an easy going person and I let people walk over me, in particular to the way I look and such. I "let myself go" incredibly often (body hair jungle says hello)... Having seen a documentary about FTMs recently (about 2 months ago) has left me thinking though. The program focused on the actual process of transition from female to male, but nevertheless I cannot help but feel that it has touched a nerve deep inside. Now, I haven't been sleeping under a rock all these years. Transexuality was not foreign to me before I set my eyes on that TV screen but somehow it seemed like things, feelings, ideas, had been given a name. Does that make sense? It was like a frightening revelation. Why? Because I was sitting next to my boyfriend at the time. He loves me for who I am at the moment. Would he accept it if I decided to cut my hair again and wear solely guy clothes? Are these feelings of...gender inadequacy appropriate? Am I transgender? Were I to find the courage, would I go forward and...just go for it? Please, do not hesitate to get back to me with any comments. I'm currently reading around the forums and the stories sound ever so similar sometimes... Cheers! K
Hey welcome to EC. I have to say I dont have that much knowledge on this subject but I will help if I can, what I can honestly say is that I know a lot of people here at EC will have some great advice, and some that will have been in your situation. I think it is always difficult to tell how far the feelings go. I am quite tomboyish in I dont really wear dresses or make up or anything like that, I like sport over fashion and video games over beauty, I know I dont want to be a man but I can understand your feeling to some male characteristics. I perhaps it would help to see a professional who specialises in this, it may be that you would be happy living your life as a woman but dressing completely male, or perhaps if you were living your life dressing male you would then feel more drawn to the surgery. I think stick around EC and talk to people here and im sure they will be able to help you.
Thank you Silverhalo! I think I shall get in touch with the LGBT community at the uni I study at as well. Coming out will be difficult but I think that my current isolation will be the ideal staging ground for some much needed changes in my life. I will keep in touch with EC - I can't explain how encouraging it is to realize that no one is truly alone in a situation like this. x
You will never be alone with EC, the LGBT group at your uni sounds a great place to start, im sure there will be people there that have been, or are going through something similar to you. I think the often the problem when you are dealing with any LGBT confusion in your life is that somehow it makes you feel like you are the only person feeling like that, and that you dont know who or where to turn to, it can be very isolating, but trust me there are more people out there that share your worries and concerns than you realise.
Hi, and welcome to EC. To me, it sounds like you're probably trans, although its ultimately up to you. What you're talking about not having is physical dysphoria, which isn't actually a prerequisite for being FTM. More important is 'mental dysphoria', the feeling that your mind isn't congruent with your body, sometimes a disgust about that, and things like that is what really makes a transsexual. I'll talk about my own experience of being FTM and if you can get something out of it good for you. I do have physical dysphoria, and it leaves me suicidal and self-destructive. That certainly isn't something you want. Don't feel bad for not having it. But more than that, I felt like my life would lead nowhere, I wasn't getting anywhere, or getting better the way I was. essentially, I was stuck in self misery, and there was no way out except to transition. On the subject of you, your clothes and your boyfriend. He'd probably find some difficulty accepting you as a guy unless he's bisexual, but its about you, not him. And if he has issues, then its largely his problem. That isn't to say you should be insensitive; if he's straight, then there is no changing that, and he shouldn't be expected to. Wear what you feel comfortable with. I sugest you buy/make a binder and see if you feel comfortable/better like that. Clothes don't make you, but they certainly shape other people's gender image of you. It really depends on whether you feel comfortable with others perceiving you a male. In summary... are you a man? Only you can answer than. But if you feel like you are, then you are. Your birth doesnt matter, only what you are and what you can be.
Hi Hexagon, first of all, thank you for your input. I think it was clear to me from the start that I do not necessarily hate my body, but just cannot "relate" to it. So far my boyfriend seems open to the idea of me being a transgendered man (even if just in mind) , and I hope that we will manage to work things out in so far as my future plans. I will look into binding - as you have suggested - and in the next few weeks I will be experimenting with varying degrees of "coming out" - eg. clothes, potentially a new haircut... Everything points to me remaining in the closet by all means - don't think family is quite ready to accept this, and am not even sure if "presenting" myself as a man would be worth all the trouble as it is. Is this fear or demotivation? Being afraid of hurting people is a bitch, even more when I'm not sure... Well, plenty of thinking tonight.:dry:
Not feeling like you relate to your body may be just as (if not more) common among trans people as hating your body is. Don't think you have to actively be disgusted by your female parts to be male. I'm glad to hear that you have made some progress with your boyfriend! Having a supportive partner is a wonderful gift. Make sure to thank him often as gender exploration and transition can easily become a very selfish time. It sounds like you are on the right track by the sounds of your last post. Trying little things like dress, hair styles, perhaps new names, is a great way to explore how you really identify and how you want to live your life in terms of gender. Keep doing the things that feel right and stop any time something doesn't. You'll learn more about yourself everyday! As far as coming out to your family, I wouldn't worry about it so much now. You're under no obligation to tell them anything at this point. Take your time to get to know yourself first. That way you'll be so much better prepared to tell them and answer their questions when the time comes. And they'll be so much better prepared to be supportive when you can approach it with confidence. Best of luck!
