Well, first the good news. I've successfully come out to 15 people now, a dozen friends and three family members (cousin, aunt, and uncle). My intention all along was to establish a core group of supportive people prior to having 'the conversation' with my parents, just in case they don't react well. Unlike some parents who are forceful and clear about their beliefs, my own are extremely hard to predict. They tend to be fairly conservative on most issues, but sometimes they surprise me. Homosexuality rarely comes up as a topic in our house, and my mom has an older lesbian sister she is fairly close with. They aren't best friends, but they are friendly and care about each other. Those things make me optimistic. And I keep trying to remember the danger of underestimating people. For instance, I was nervous prior to coming out to my best friends, but they've (nearly) all been nothing but gracious and encouraging. Despite this, I can't seem to get over the hurdle of telling my parents. They are just a different relationship to that of a friendship; parents generally have more expectations of us and more dreams to fulfill, they come from an earlier generation, in most cases they've seen us grow up from birth. My question is whether those of you who are fully out and open about your sexual orientation took a different approach to the discussion with your mom and/or dad versus your friends or coworkers or acquaintances? How did you find the right time to approach the discussion? What questions should I be prepared for? Thanks!
I totally understand where you are coming from and I think of all the people I came out to my parents were the hardest, right up there with probably the first time I ever managed to mutter the words to anyone. I think my parents were much harder for a number of reasons, and in my case I knew they would be supportive but still put it off for ages. I think parents are different because; you only have 1 set of parents, I know friends are important but if your friends did abandon you, there is always the potential to make more. I also felt like I was really letting them down, I could never and am still not sure I got to the bottom of why I thought I was letting them down so badly but I did. I also think that as you said parents tend to have hopes and dreams for their children, unlike friends and other family members. I do think though on the upside parents are often the one who are most likely to surprise in their never ending love and support for their children despite what their views on homosexuality was before. I think from what you have said your parents will be supportive and when you are ready i am sure you will take that step.
Yes, parents are different than anyone else you will have to tell because their lives and expectations are bound up in the actual realization of your life and not just your happiness. Other people are happy that you are happy and I have become pretty casual about telling them, certainly many don't need to know the details, though I will provide them if asked, but for parents they have to reimagine their dreams for you, which are real and meaningful to them. I think, for this reason, there is no best time to tell your parents. Ultimately the message will still be, "I am gay." I recently had a long talk with my dad, the first I have had with my parents since I came out to them in a letter. He was totally supportive in the sense that he understood that this was what I needed to do to be happy, but he also said he had to grapple with his own aspirations for me, and he being from the generation that grew up in the 50's and early 60's has trouble imagine what my life will be like -- maybe like your parents' mild conservatism. My dad asked me about how I knew, how long I had know, what it meant to me. We had an awkward interchange about safe sex. For me a letter was the right medium because it allowed me to say all of what I wanted and it also gave them some distance so they had time to process this, and I am happy for that. It was not until we had exchanged a few emails that I finally felt comfortable actually talking to them about being gay. I think the best thing you can do is try to be really honest and open. It was difficult because it has required on my part a candor that I am not used to. You also need to be patient, acknowledging their loss, but not allowing it to control you or annoy you. I think it will take time, but I honestly think my relationship with my parents will come out of this stronger than before. My dad actually told me some of the details of his romantic life as a teenager and about the time he spent in therapy. Of course all people are different, but that is my experience. I hope it goes well, and judging from the fact that your aunt is a lesbian, their reaction is unlikely to be negative, even if confused or disappointed, so you should do it. It is an incredible relief. The crux of what I am saying I guess I said better in my letter, "You can still love me and have trouble, at first, accepting that I am gay. It is something that has taken me a decade to accept. It would hardly be fair to expect you to figure this out by the time you finish reading this letter."
You both make great points. My first choice would be to write a letter, since I express myself more clearly in written form. However, I'm living at home right now and will be for the foreseeable future (you know, that awkward post-college, pre-career stage). I hate to wait until I move away, in case it's months from now. This means I basically need to grow up, be mature, and talk them through it in person. I don't want the initial conversation to get sidetracked onto political or religious tangents; I intend to keep it purely personal. I don't need them to be happy about the news, or even necessarily accepting at first. I do need them to understand why I've kept this part of myself from them and why keeping secrets has been so emotionally and mentally draining. Marlow, I closely identify with your point about candor. As liberating as coming out to friends has been, it's still a bit uncomfortable speaking with even with the open-minded ones. After suppressing thoughts and feelings about love and sex and relationships deep inside for so many years, it's strange to be honest and candid. A learning process, to be sure.
You can write a letter even if you are living at home. If you express yourself best in writing, I think it's a good idea to write a letter to your parents, even if you plan to read it to them in person.
