My one friend that I thought "got it" made some comment the other day about which one was the "man" in a lesbian relationship. How.. disappointing. I don't think I've met a single person that doesn't look at gay relationships through the lens of straight ones. There IS no man. There's a range of "masculine" and "feminine" traits that everyone has to differing degrees, but that so many people, no matter how supportive or well-meaning, can't step outside their own experiences and understand anything else... CAN straight people truly understand? I mean, they're brought up in a straight culture that reinforces everything about their relationships as being the ideal, etc.. so I don't know if even I would "get it" if I weren't gay myself because of the way we're indoctrinated at such a young age. Is there hope, or will I always be a novelty to my straight friends?
people often grapple to understand but they cannot because they do not share the same feelings as you. to them women naturally like men and men naturally like woman so anything outside of that is understood through that lens. with two men, which one is the "girl" is an often question that gay men get. There is no girl, but what people are trying to ask is "who plays the more dominant role and who is the more passive". People try and understand but they are uncomfortable and it often comes out like you're their little "novelty" and something fun to spice up conversation at a dinner party about who is more the man or the woman....hahaha and on to the cocktails in their mind. what you will need to understand and accept is that others may actually never truly understand you but as long as you understand yourself, that's all that matters. to them, you are the "token gay" and that becomes your new role in the group. Instead of being Greenly79, you are not Lesbian79 formerly known as Greenly. For people like that, there's not use in trying to get them to understand more. You can try if you are patient but realize they may never "get it".
Its a hard concept to understand for some people, but most people will get it after a while. When it happens, just smile and explain to them how it works. If they don't understand, then don't sweat it. They will with time. As for the novelty thing, your friends should get used to it with time. After a while its such an insignificant thing that it won't phase them one way or another. You will have some strangers that won't get it, but then again they don't really matter all that much. Be patient with your friends and allow them "get it" at their own pace. Just like you needed your own time to understand what was happening, they also need some time to get used to it. It will happen, though
Yea I get that question too. A friend who took my coming out pretty well asked me if I'd rather be the guy or the girl in the relationship, and variations of it throughout the conversation more than once. I don't think she was being mean or hateful. I explained why there isnt a "man" in a lesbian relationship and after a few more questions I politely informed her that the assumption that there is a man/women role can actually offensive. I remember hearing something from Dan Savage about that and it made a lot of sense. We can't really be jumping down the throats of everyone who are actually on our side. Sometimes they ask questions or make assumptions just because they are ignorant of the facts and not because they were trying to be hateful. It could take them a while to understand, but just because they ask misinformed questions doesn't mean they don't support you.
That reminds me of the episode of Always Sunny in Philidelphia. Frnak and Charlie are trying to get married for the health benefits and they go to the transsexual character who recently got married to get advice (which is funny as well since transsexuals are able to get married just liek straight people and dont have to do the whole "gay marriage" thing). Frank asks her, "which one of us has to be the girl?" and she is like "neither of you woudl be the girl, you're both MEN!" "Straight" people are stupid sometimes. It's like how my brother and ex and sister and pretty much EVERYONE I've come out to as trans just consider me to be a gay man who "gets off" on "pretending" to be a girl. ugh. Ignorance makes me sick.
