dl bi guy in closeted relationship with a new father. need some advice

hey everyone.

This is my first time posting but I need someone to talk to about this. I met this other dl bi guy about 4 ago and we've been hanging out ever since. He's 22 I'm 28. He lives a few hours away and comes to visit me every weekend and ocassionally we stay at a hotel near his house since I visit his area for work. We spoke for 2 weeks before we met and both of us already had feelings for each other. We were both single when we met and from the beginning I knew that his ex was pregnant and the baby was due soon. It didn't bother me at all since I really didn't expect to fall in love with another man, especially so quickly. Now the baby is here and I feel so conflicted about everything. He's been busy with the delivery and everything but calls me/ texts me whenever he has a chance. I just feel like the baby combined with us living 2 hours away will fuck everything up. I don't want to end this bc we really love each other but I feel like I should before I end up getting hurt/hurting him. We both decided very early on that we would be exclusive and ride this thing out before even thinking about pursuing a straight lifestyle but now I feel like I want to see what else is out there for me. I have a great career and a lot going for me and I'm not sure if I want to waste the last few years of my 20's trying to make something work with this guy. This is the first time either one of us had a dl relationship and while it's great I just don't know if I'm wasting my time. . Am I thinking too much about the future? He always tells me he loves me a lot and wants to be with me forever but I just don't know if that's possible given our situation. He's done everything right, we talk all the time, the sex is great we get along well but I just feel like it's a matter of time before this ends. He keeps telling me that nothing will change and he'll do whatever he has to do to make time to see me every weekend. I don't wanna push him away b/c of my constant worrying but I feel like over the next few months between parenthood (he lives about 10 mins from his childs mother) and working full time it will make it difficult for us to be together. I know that his child will and should always come first but I also want to know I'm important (which he tells me). I feel like now that he has the baby over time he will need me (emotionally or whatever) less and less and focus all his energy there. In a way I wish we took things a lot slower and gave him time to adjust to parenthood and ease into this relationship since this is a new experience for both of us. Any insight would be appreciated.

 

The baby was just born this past weekend so I suppose its too early to tell either way if things have changed. (the baby leaves the hospital 2morrow) He says that he wants to see me this weekend. The other day, before the baby was born I told him that maybe we shouldn't see each other for at least a month while he adjusts and he started crying saying that there's no reason to. He says he knows what he wants and that its being with me forever. Last night he called me and I told him about how much time I have been spending with my roommate and he said that he was jealous so I know that he's really into me, loves me etc. He promised me that he's always going to be there and that he's going to love me forever. I'm probably worrying for no reason but I really don't want to have my heartbroken. (as i was typing this he called me on his way home from work)

 

Hey what's u everyone?
First, forgive me for any misspellings, I'm trying to get used to typing on an iPad.

So my guy and I haven't been talking too much this week bc we've both been really busy. Me with the gym work and my social life, him with work and the baby. We still talk but not much as usual. So last night he called me to say gn b4 he went to bed buti couldn't really talk since my roommate was around. Hes usually understanding when I have to be discreet and brief when we talk but he kept asking me what's wrong. He said something about how it sucked not talking a lot this week to which I replied " i know but it is what it is". After we hung up he texted me. I'll just type the convo

Him: I promise on everything I haven't changed one bit
Me: I know, why do you keep saying that though? It's making me feel like I'm acting mad needy or something
Him: ur not at all. I just feel like I'm not giving you enough attention at all and I'm really sorry
Me: it's ok. I told you I'm gonna let u adjust to everything. We wil talk and see each other when we can.
Him: it hurts me so much when unsay that as if we're just gonna be nothing and talk and see each other whenever. I really feel like it was in the beginning. I still love u more than anyone and I need to be w u. I miss coming there so much, as much as iwas. I swear to god, on my kid, I would love to still live over there.
Me: I love u just as much. I'm sorry if I made u think that I don't care about the relationship. I just don't want to put pressure on u right now n I don't want u having to worry about finding time to come here.
Him: when u said " it is what it is" it made me feel the worst I've felt in a long time. I understand ur side but I'm really into u a lot and love u so much.

We talked some more and said we'll talk more when he is here tomorrow. I'm curious to see how this whole thing plays out.

 

So my guy came this weekend. After 2 whole weeks of not seeing each other this was exactly what we both needed. Things were pretty tense last week due to the birth of his baby and my hectic work responsibilities. We had a heart to heart and now it's how it was in the beginning. We reassured each other that we would do all we could to make this work. After he left we started texting...
Me: I know you're Going to bed soon but I can't talk right now. Goodnight bae. Thank you for coming this weekend. We have something special I think
Him: I know we have something special bae, I love u so much. I'm never going to do anything to let it stop. I promise you that you're a very important person to me and I never want to lose you (my name). I love you more than anything and I know we're gonna last.

I'm really happy right now. It feels exactly how it did when we started talking 4 months ago. We have been texting since early this morning and he called me during his break at work. I know that this won't be easy but I'm willing to put in the effort to make this work. I love this kid so much and I think that I owe it to both of us to give it my best shot.

 

Hey, it's been a while since I last posted. Things are going very well with me and my guy. I feel like I'm nervous to post about it in too much detail because I don't want to jinx it. He told me when he's taking his vacation from work and asked me if I'd spend a week with him. I'm thinking about surprising him with a trip to Miami or something. He really wants to move here and I'm thinking that maybe in 6 months that might be a good idea. I'm still nervous about my future since neither of us have intentions on ever coming out, but I'm just going to live in the present and enjoy what we have. It's so awesome bc we are both very masculine and straight acting so hangin out in public is never uncomfortable. I can't believe I found someone I'm so attracted to both physically and emotionally. He left on 2 hrs of sleep on Monday just so he could be here with me for one more night. This kids really amazing...Hope everything is going well for ythose of you who are reading.

 

Thanks a lot guys. I'll be sure to update as things progress.

 

Hey everyone,

It's def been a while since i posted haha. just a little update on what's been going on this past year. so my guy and i are still together. its been quite a ride, some good, some bad, but we're still here. I did some shady shit on craigslist that he found out about, where i was just talking to guys as a fantasy, but never met up with them. obviously this damaged the trust between us, but i think i've done a good job at reaasuring him that i really don't want anyone else but him. we "broke up" for 2 days a few months ago after a series of constant arguments, but after not speaking to each other for those 2 days we both decided that we want to be together.

Now there are a few issues that I need some advice on. I'm not too comfortable with the baby situation to be honest. I hardly ever bring his kid up in convo, except for the same thing i'd say to a coworker (hows the baby, he's cute) When he was born he said "get ready to be a godfather" but over this past year i've only become more uncomfortable about it. He was house sitting for his grandparents a few months ago and early in the morning he picked up the baby and brought him to the house while i was sleeping and put him in bed with us. that made me really uncomfortable for some reason and i left after about an hour, saying i had things to do. I hate to admit it, but i almost secretly resent the kid b/c i know that if he wasnt born we would probably be living together already. Of course i try to be as supportive as I can, but it is something that bothers me. He's tried to involve me in his kids life, and has asked a few times if he can bring him to new york when his ex is busy but i always say no. His kids bday passd and i didnt even buy him a gift, but am i supposed to???? i feel so shitty that i didn't, but i almost feel like its over stepping my boundaries. I know how ppl can get with their kids and i'm very sensetive to that, but i dont know what to do. i'm sure it bothers him that i dont take any real interest in his kid...or does it?
The other thing that's bothering me, which is only partly related to him, but i'm starting to feel a little lonely and depressed during the week when he's not here. I feel like i've sacrificed a few friendships b/c my weekends are obviously busy with him and ppl will stop asking you to hang out after a year and change of excuses haha. Besides that, i'm getting older and some of my friends are in serious relationships or parents themselves, and some i've just simply outgrown, so that just leaves me bored when i'm not working or hanging out with my remaining friends a few times a week. I've started going to the gym again, but i need to meet new ppl, i just don't know how. It sucks b/c he's really busy between work and his kid so i feel ilke hes perfectly content with how much we hang out when i wish we could hang out more. Of course he says he wishes he can spend more time with me, but i know that it doesnt bother him as much as its been bothering me lately. Also, a few weeks ago he randomly said that he wants to look for an apt where he lives and he's now actively looking for a place. i guess what bothers me about that is that although he still says he wants to move to nyc to be w me, he obviously is looking to commit to an apt where he lives. On one hand it might be great that he lives on his own, providing more opportunity for me to visit him when he can't come here. On the other hand, it just confirms that our hopes of living together def won't be happening, at least not for a very long while.
Lately I've just been down about our whole relationship I guess. It's fine when we're together, but during the week it's hard. This is my first gay relationship, it's long distance (only 2 hours, but still) and we're both completely closeted. On top of that he has a 1+ year old so as you can see our relationship is pretty complicated. Sometimes I wonder if I should just end this since he can't give me everything that I want, but is that selfish? I'd hate to turn my back on him b/c he really is a good guy and he loves me a lot and i do too, but this relationshp is really leaving me stressed out and worried lately. I admit, a lot of it has to do with my own insecurities and issues (such as eventually wanting kids) but i don't know what to do. I guess I can use some advice, or just someone to talk to. I just wanna emphasize that when he's here we really do have a good time and i enjoy spending time with him, but it's just the other 5 days during the week that's getting hard... He's coming over right now and I don't even feel excited, I actually just feel like i want to cry for some reason haha. dont judge me.

I know that the grammar and structure of this entry is horrible, but my head is pretty cloudy and i really just needed to get some of my thoughts out.