Sorry guys, this is a long one. I think I may have always known I was transgender. Even when I was little, I didn't associate myself as a girl. I liked pretending I was a boy. I liked playing the role of "dad" when we played house and I even asked my parents at one point why I couldn't be a boy. Also, my first crush was when I was 7 or 8 and it was my neighbors daughter. Fast forward to 15 and I met my first love. I really liked her and soon fell in love. I thought there was in no chance that she would fall for me because she was boy crazy and well, I wasn't exactly equipped with male parts so I kept my feelings hidden. I don't even know how we ended up together but we did. I was amazed on how the girl of my dreams felt the same way about me because I figured she was straight but she told maybe she always knew she liked girls and what not. We lasted for 5.5 years (she broke up with me this past thanksgiving..) I always had doubts in our relationship. How can a girl go from going totally boy crazy to not even thinking about them. We had to keep our relationship a secret for the whole 5 years because of her family. In conclusion, the biggest problem that I've had during our relationship was that I wasn't a real "guy." I didn't like it when she called me a lesbian because honestly, I didn't see myself as that. I saw myself as a straight guy loving a girl. I told her to call me "him" and that I didn't liked being called a girl but even though she said she saw me as a "guy' she still labeled herself as a lesbian. Maybe this was the point I knew for sure I was a transgender. Our biggest problem that we always fought with was her lack of affection. I'm a very affectionate person so I'd steal a kiss or want to hold her hand but she always pulls away. Her excuse was that her family would see, or other people would see. In the beginning, this didn't bother me because it was new for her. But after a while, it made me think if I was even worth the effort at all to her. During our 5 years together, that was what we fought constantly about. I just wanted to feel that she was proud to be with me.. I love her, still do in fact. I was willing to fight and work for our relationship. During the 3rd year mark, she wanted to break up with me. She said, she was feeling stagnant and that she was scared because God was going to punish her for being with me. That broke my heart..and it broke me down. She decided to take me back (theres a story behind it) and we stayed together for 2 more years. The problem of me being a real "guy" finally died down during these years. Our relationship wasn't perfect but it was worth fighting for to me. Last thanksgiving week. She breaks up with me again. Said she doesn't love me anymore. In fact she said, that she stopped loving me since the first time she broke up with me but just stayed in the relationship out of guilt. She told me she was seeing some guy behind my back recently and that she doesn't ever see us being together again. Of course, I did what all idiots do, cry , beg, and declared my love for her. When I tried to hug her she told me not to because I was disgusting. She simply told me she'd rather kill herself than go back to me. I was shocked because I wasn't expecting any of this. Just a week ago we were kissing and talking about our future together. Everything I hated about myself resurfaced and came back ten times harder. Me not being a real "guy", her claiming to be lesbian but is now going to clubs letting random guys lift her dress up and going with that new guy. It..really broke me down. It really made me hated myself.. I'm usually someone with confidence and I don't let what other people say bother me but this...it broke my self worth and self image. I gotten to the point where I was so low I wanted to kill myself. She knew that I was attempting suicide (how? i don't know). I found out later on her FB that she posted something that said "I know it'll bite me in the ass one day but it wasn't worth it." I guess saving my life wasn't worth it to her.. I'm a religious person so I went to church to try and get myself fixed. My only friend who knew about us, is very religious too. I told her about it and she told me "I know it hurts you but its still a sin." I don't know what to do. I feel like i'm stuck. I loved this girl with all my heart, and I thought for sure she loved me too. The one person who I thought would be there managed to end up breaking me into so many unfixable pieces. Then there's the fact that i'm a sinner because of what I am. I can't help it, If I could be straight I would be. I feel like God is tired of me. I feel trapped and everday I'm fighting with my inner demons to stay alive. I want to fix myself, I want to be happy again, I just don't know how anymore.
Hi there, and welcome to EC. I'm glad you've posted here. I'm sure it will help - if it hasn't made you feel better already. First of all, I'm sorry to hear that you've gone through what you have. Your ex sounds like she was cruel in this last breakup - and that's not fair at all. Please remember that time really does heal these kinds of hurts, and that in a few more months you'll have moved on. What kind of support structures do you have available to you? What about your own family? How did they react to you having a girlfriend? Do they know? As far as I'm concerned, being gay and living an honest and authentic life is not a sin. That's the approach I take, and I genuinely believe that God wouldn't have made me this way if he didn't want me to live this way. If I'm wrong I guess I'll hear about it on judgement day, but until them I'm very much at peace with my Higher Power over all of this. I can understand that you might have trouble with that, but it's something you should start to try working on. With respect to being transgendered, that's a real possibility for sure. I'm not expert in that by any means, but I know that counselling couldn't hurt and could only help. Some would suggest that counselling and therapy is a critical part of the transitioning process, so if that's something you would consider, it might be a good idea to get started on that. I'm sure it would help. You're not a bad person. You're not a sinner. You derserve better than what your ex girlfriend gave you as you parted ways, and you'll find someone else in this world that is better suited to you. I am sure of that. You'll just have to be patient. Because you can be happy again. I didn't think I'd ever be happy either, and 5 years ago contemplated suicide. But I've since come to accept my orientation, find recovery from my addiction, maintain my relationship with my children, and find a new relationship with a wonderful man who really does complete me. I'm happier now than I could ever have imagined being in those dark times. As a staff member here I can receive private messages from even new members. Feel free to reach out to me if you want to talk one on one. You're not alone. This whole community is behind you.
Hello, welcome to EC. First off I'm sorry about the breakup. I know that you love her and all, but she definitely doesn't sound worth it. You deserve a girl to picture you the way you want to be, and to love you unconditionally. After doing that, you shouldn't ever want her back, you don't deserve to be treated that way. Personally, I think your friend is an asshole, sorry. They should just deal with the fact that it's how your happy, and even now hurt. Religion should be put aside in circumstances like this, friendship is more important. Anyways, please don't think of suicide, ever. My father did and so does my brother, and I don't see the point. It won't help. It will end your future happiness forever and those who care about you.
You would have been OK with someone sticking around, not because of love, but just to keep you from killing yourself? There are amazing, wonderful people in your future. They would slap you silly if they heard you say such ridiculous things.
Jim: Thank you so much for your advice. I hope to be at peace with God and myself some day too secretgirlX: Thank you for your advice as well. Yes I had to do some serious thinking and I realize that a lot of people care about me and I would hurt them. I just don't like the fact how one persons opinions and actions can break me when there are so many others that love me and would miss me. scooby: I realize what you are saying is true. I guess I am a little ashamed for thinking that way and I want to change that kind of thinking. Thank you for being blunt and honest with me. I really do appreciate it.
