Rock and a Hard Place (Please Read)

Well first off I have been raised a Catholic my entire life and i am the same way when it comes to what i believe, but here's how i see it, as long as you follow God and love him with your whole self it doesn't matter what others think, because in the end all you need is God
Secondly, in all fairness to your fiancee, i think you should tell her that you're homosexual because she deserves to know. If you have been together for three years and you believe you have a strong relationship with her, she needs to know. Because lying to her and then marrying her out of false love won't last. It'll be a waste of time for her and yourself.
As for your three choices dont do the first one at all! It's a bad idea.
As for the other two you don't have to date a guy right away or even ever, you can just be great friends, but dont go into a relationship with a guy just because you want to, do it because you enjoy his company and makes you happy, not just because of looks or whatever. you can also live a celibate life, this doesnt mean you can't live without someone you just cant have sex with them.
Suicide is not a good idea at all. i have been through that, it sucks and the only thing that got me through it was knowing that people loved me for myself and that God wants the very best for me. Suicide is an awful awful thing, and it saddens me greatly.
I would probably give the house to her and tell her how you feel. Also remember that there are some homosexuals who get married to the opposite gender and live a happy life, but there has to be a sense of trust in the relationship

 

I am proud of you for trying to reconcile your faith and your homosexuality. A lot of people abandon one or the other and usually end up bitter about it. Remember, you're not trapped: you are just choosing consequences. (I think you know that.)

I am probably you in 25 years if you take option 1. I married a woman who absolutely adores me. I am the center of her life. If I were not here, she would literally fall apart. (I know this for a fact, but that's a different story.) We have two kids that I love and who love me. However, I have often felt that our relationship is more like roommates than lovers. I had hoped that she would "cure" me or at least let me channel my sexual energies in a way consistent with my religious beliefs. However, her "love" doesn't translate to sexual love. I have to satisfy myself with masterbating to gay porn just to keep me from cheating on her with a guy. And I've come close. But, that doesn't mean we haven't had some great times together--it's just that sex wasn't a part of them.

Now that I've stopped fighting myself and accepted that I'm gay, I've very happy, but I'm pretty much unable to perform sexually with her any longer. When I talked to a buddy on line about a sexual encounter he had with another guy, I nearly erupted in my pants. I tried to "work it off with her" and I immediately went limp. Even with drugs like Cialis, I have a hard time getting a hard on with her. Although I was attracted to her initially, she was the only woman that I felt that way about. Otherwise, women turn me off: I feel uncomfortable with them.

I finally told her that I love her but I'm not "in love" with her. I told her I don't have the romance or sexual attraction I once had. We are working through things: I'm in therapy and she's starting soon. I don't know where we'll end up but we're not planning a divorce.

I have friends that have taken the other two options as well. One guy lives a celibate life and is very happy: he actually adopted 4 boys and is devoting his life to God. Another has given up his faith and family and claims to be happy with casual sexual encounters.

You have hard choices. I'd be glad to talk to you.

Tracker

 

First of all Welcome to EC. You came to the right place.

I have been married for 23 years. I was also a Catholic. I came out last June at 56 years of age to my wife and family. You and your potential "wife" both have a long life ahead of you. If you marry her you will NEVER be truly happy. I wasn't. My wife is my best friend. I love her, but not in the way that she deserves. You will be in the same boat. After I came out to my mom and dad my mom went to the priest at her Catholic Church and told him about her gay son. He told her that God loves everyone and that she should love me also. We have a great relationship, in fact my relationship with my dad is the best it has ever been. He says he now understands me! Wow.

Coming out was the hardest thing that I have EVER done in my life. I cried more in the six months leading up to coming out than in my whole life.....I know what you are feeling, it's very very hard. I also considered suicide many times, I'm glad I never carried through with it. It just creates immense pain for those that you leave behind. I knew that I was going to loose friends and family. Today I am in disbelief at how well it went. I was my own worst enemy. People will always surprise you. You will find out who your friends are.

Bottom line. It's not about the house. It's not about how others think about you. It's not about whether they will or will not support you. It's about you being who you are. It's about you learning to love yourself.

P. S. I suggest you read "Am I gay" under Coming out stories.

 

i know how it is. i just have a few quick things.

1. you're not evil, that's a total misconception and even the catholic church would not agree with that. in fact you are joining in with God's heart more by virtue of the fact that you are being honest and addressing something rather than sweeping it under the carpet. since you are here, and posted a great post, it's also verifying a need to talk things out in a non-judgmental arena. God's on your side man and wants you to work things out, not disregard what you feel or disregard Him. remember, His essence is patience

2. now, this includes patience with yourself. you don't have to go through a whirlwind change and let go of your fiance, house, family and run out and date men. let this be a process where you work things out gradually. you're not too late at all. you're exactly the place where you were intended to be and i'm proud of you.

3. you should somehow break it off with your fiance, it's not fair to you or to her. you can express to her about your attractions to men or not, but just let her know that you've been thinking about it and you can't take that step right now. you can say, you're working some things out and will tell her when you can, but as for now, you have to call it off. otherwise, you can tell her outright and that will make it clear.

4. if you bought the house, then it's yours to decide. if you both bought it, then you should ask her work out with her what you both want to do with it. my preference would be to let it go altogether. that being said, either of you could also buy the other out.

been there about the suicide thoughts too and it's not a good option. sometimes we feel more stuck than we really are. hang in there buddy. as much as i can be, i'm here for you

 

Hi there and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place, and you're doing the right thing by talking about this with people who understand.

I was married for 9 years before I finally had to admit and accept that I was gay. You're looking to deal with it BEFORE you get married, which is awesome. Good for you! Take it from me (and from others above) that option 1 just won't work. You're right in that you'll both be miserable - only you'll know why.

As for the other options, I went with number 2. I was never religious, but I've developed a spirituality and a relationship with God as I've worked in my addiction recovery. (Suppressing and denying my orientation left me pretty messed up...) And I've come to accept that God made me this way, and wouldn't want me to be miserable because of it. Since separating from my wife I've met a wonderful man and we were married last summer. I've never been happier. There's no reason for you to deny yourself that kind of happiness.

You dont need to come out to everyone at once. You don't need to come out to anyone necessarily. But I would think you owe it to your fiance to tell her why you're breaking off your engagement. Hopefully she'll be understanding and supportive enough to keep the reason for your breakup to herself. "The reasons are personal and I'd rather not talk about it." was what my wife and I told people, and they respected that. Eventually I told my best friends, my parents, my kids, my extended family and my coworkers. But I didn't tell them all at the same time. And that worked for me.

Have you considered getting some counselling? It worked wonders for me. I too contemplated suicide, assuming the world would be better off without me as a divorced, gay addict. But I soon learned that I wasn't a bad person. That I had lots to offer the world, and that I could be happy.

And here I am, 5 years later, helping you. And as dire and hopeless as things seem for you right now, I have no doubt that in 5 years, you could be in the same position I'm in, helping others as you are being helped. What goes around, comes around - good and bad.

As a memeber of the staff here I can receive private messages from even new members - so if you need to speak to someone one on one you can write to me. Otherwise keep the conversation going here.

Again - welcome. And good luck!

 

personally here are my thoughts

option 1: let's take the fact that you are homosexual out of the equation. let's say you were straight. if your straight friend came to you and said, "man, i really dont like this girl like that. i think she is nice but i'm not in love with her, being physical with her is not a turn on for me at all not even kissing or hand holding, and i know deep in my heart, i dont want to marry her..." what would you tell him. you would tell him to get out of the relationship and find someone he really liked. so i am telling you, if you knwo there is no chemistry there, that is not the person for you. i would tell that to anyone gay or straight.

i think for option 2, that's probably what you want to do but you believe you are going to go to hell for it and option 3 is probably what you may try to do but you are going to be miserable. i think you should end the relationship and then work on coming to terms with yourself and research more about being gay and christian.

 

rock and a hard place..i too was raised catholic..and although i grew away and eventually (which i am now) more of an evangalistic, i interpret the bible a little differently..the bible says a marriage should b between a man and a woman..i simply break that down to a breadwinner and a homemaker..where as in most situasions i've seen the husbandman beein the homemaker (weather it is a man woman or however...) seein as the homemaker (being in the home) is the one that knows the needs of the home..kind of a he makes the money and i spend it..an equal way i've learned recently is that after the bills r paid it becomes more of a what can WE do with the remainderof the money..as for your situation..honesty is always been the best policy..by telling her your not ready for marriage you r not lying..just that taking that step right now seems so overwhelming that it might be in both of you best interests to put things off for awhile whilst u can have a chance to figure out what you even wanna do in life..of if you are on the right path..

 

I just read insidehappy's comment. He's right. Gay or straight, you shouldn't be marrying someone you don't love. The longer you drag it out, the bigger the hurt. Good luck!

 

I'd just like to echo: Do not marry anyone you are not in love with, regardless of sexual orientation.

Also, whether you decide to live an openly gay lifestyle or to be celibate, you are going to need to learn to love yourself for who you are. In my opinion this should be your #1 priority: Love yourself first, then learn to love others. There are many people out there (and in here) who will be willing to help you with this. Seek it out.

 

Although I am not catholic I am a proud Christian. Your faith is not fighting you, it wants to embrace you as a brother. Because of a few hateful people and hundreds of years this is where we stand.

For as long as I can remember I tried to change myself but I realized this is a gift God gave to us that doesn't need changed. You were made this way for a reason and its up to you to discover what that is. I have studied the Bible heavy on this subject for a few years now and now I feel even stronger in my faith and sexuality.

If you want something to read Google "what the bible does and doesn't say about homosexuality," it helped me a lot and am sure it will do the same for you. To begin this reseach you need to remove the rose-tinted glasses and research with a third party state of mind. Don't start reading believing you are going to hell and that there is no hope, just read it and see if helps you.

If you are not ready to get married, for whatever the case may be, please don't do it. If you just need some more time just tell her that, if she truly loves you she will understand. Just find yourself before you jump into jump in feet first to a marriage you don't want.

Keep us updated, good luck.

 

" It's sad to see all my friends and family move forward with their lives which is why I guess I'm pretending to do the same"

Well if you go ahead with this marriage and ignore your sexuality and inner conflict thats exactly what the rest of your life will be...just pretend. I dont know about you but I dont want to pretend for the rest of my life. As your brother is doing, move forward with your life, its time to stop pretending! You owe it to yourself because until you do this, you havnt even given yourself a chance to be who you are and always have been. Im not religious at all so I cant relate to the conflicts your having there and ill stay away from that subject. But I was raised to believe that God loves everyone, no matter who they love, no matter what they do, no matter if they even acknowledge his existence.. I know Catholicism isn't quite like that...but I guess its something to think about...

Stay strong, we are all here through your struggle to provide you with what we can

 

Hi, workinprogress! Welcome to EC. I read your post last night and wanted to respond right away but had to wait until now. I echo what Tracker and the Jim's said above!!! Whenever I read a post from one of them, it's like I could have written it myself.

In my case, I was raised Catholic and I have a twin brother. He got married right out of high school in 1974. I bought the "save it for marriage" line from my Catholic upbringing, which made it very easy to abstain from sex when dating my fiance. We got married when I was 20 and she was 19. I didn't acknowledge my sexuality even to myself. Our sex live was very good at the beginning, but then as time passed I realized I was attracted to men. I started having encounters at public restrooms and adult bookstores. I felt guilty, went to confession, and promised never to do it again - but I did, over and over and over. In the last 10 - 15 years, it got to a point where I would go to the bookstores at every opportunity and hooked up with too many men to count. I felt horrible, but couldn't make myself stop. I thought that's what being gay was. (Now I know different.)

Three years ago I brought a little parasitic friend home with me from the bookstore and passed it on to my wife who discovered it during a doctor's visit. As you can imagine, the shit hit the fan!

I professed bisexuality and we went to counseling. I have been faithful since, but not happy. My wife was naturally devastated and never able to get what I had done out of her mind. Towards the end of 2011, with the help of our awesome counselor, I admitted I am gay and we are in the process of divorcing. We still love each other and are best friends.

In the past few weeks, I have been coming out to our three children, extended family, and friends. The overwhelming fears I had built up over 35 years of marriage made the thought of coming out unbearable. I've found, though, that everyone (except my devoutly Catholic old-school mother- and father-in-law) has been understanding and supportive.

I'm sorry this got to be so long, but I need you to understand, that if you love your fiance on any level, you will not marry her and let her live a life where she constantly wonders what's wrong with her when you won't love her the way she deserves to be loved. Everyone says life is short. I agree, but life is also long. Don't live it unfulfilled!

If you can, please find a good counselor who can help you understand and accept yourself. You deserve a life full of every aspect of being human. Study religion in general and be open to finding God in ways other than the rigid dogma of Catholicism. I'm not proposing that you turn your back on your faith, just to not accept it blindly.

Best of luck, and keep us posted! (&&&)

55bna

 

What Buzzsnail said is so true. I never loved my self until last year. I didn't even like me! I have learned to love me. Unless you love yourself, you can't love anyone else truly. And you won't believe other people when they tell you that because you'd be saying to yourself they wouldn't love me if they knew me. It's a lonely existence. And my homosexuality is a great gift from God. It has made who I am and given me some great talents in dealing with people.

Start with you. Don't look at society, church or a woman to fix you. Get YOU fixed first. The rest will follow.

Tracker

---------- Post added 9th Feb 2012 at 05:32 AM ----------

What Buzzsnail said is so true. I never loved my self until last year. I didn't even like me! I have learned to love me. Unless you love yourself, you can't love anyone else truly. And you won't believe other people when they tell you that because you'd be saying to yourself they wouldn't love me if they knew me. It's a lonely existence. And my homosexuality is a great gift from God. It has made who I am and given me some great talents in dealing with people.

Start with you. Don't look at society, church or a woman to fix you. Get YOU fixed first. The rest will follow.

Tracker

 

I am not a twin. But I do have a younger brother. He was always the pretty boy in school that always had the "girl." People always talked about how successful he was. He never went to college but he made a name for himself in the engineering field and now has lot's of money. I know how difficult it is to have the competition thing going on between you but you have to let go of that. It's not about your relationship with your brother. It's about you being happy with yourself. When I came out to my brother last June (he was the first one I came out to) the first thing he said to me was "I can't believe you held this in for so long." Then he stood up and gave me the best hug I have ever had in my life, and he told me he loved me and always will. I can only hope your brother will give you the same kind of reception. As I said before.....I think you will be surprised at how many people will be accepting. It will get better. Now is a good time in your life to be who you are. Please, don't spend your life being miserable like I did.

Also, I think counseling would help you immensely as it did for me. It just helps to talk to someone in person.

 

(*hug*) Take it easy, its a lot to deal with all at once.

Breathe

I had one point in my life (so far haha) that I was so sick with worry I actually threw up. It was horrible...Long story short there was something I wasn't dealing with and when I finally adressed it, in the best way i could, the world lifted off my shoulders.

 

I have gone through the being sick to my stomach stages as well, you just have to remember this will pass with time. I know looks like a huge obstacle that can't be overcome but you can do anything you put your mind and heart to it. My parents made me see a Christian psychologist and to tell the truth he really helped me. There was no condemning speeches or hurtful words. There was just a man who was a professional at helping people through all kinds of situations. With what you have said I would strongly suggest you look up a licensed psychologist and just talk to him, it will help you at least understand who you are.

 

Hello--
Like you, I am a practicing Catholic and I am gay. Two things which have occurred to me in this situation are: 1) God is truth. A Christian of any stripe will agree with this. God is truth. God made you gay (and he doesn't make mistakes, we're told), and regardless of what the Catholic Church currently says about the sinfulness of homosexual sex, God doesn't want you to live a lie. If you're gay, you're gay, and no amount of denial or camouflage will change that. 2) God is the definition of love, and real love is completely good. If God wired you to love other men, then he meant for you to fulfill your destiny and love them.

Even though the Church does a great deal of good, the Church isn't the same thing as God, and it doesn't always represent him terribly well (remember the Crusades, the Inquisition, the Galileo affair, etc?). The issue of same-gender love is one of those issues at which the world will some day look back and shake its collective head in astonishment and sorrow. Future generations will be appalled that the Church could have been so stuck on preserving its Tradition that it condemned a whole segment of its own faithful people for loving members of the same gender. Whether we see that day in our lifetimes is another matter, of course....

I'd echo what others have said: don't marry merely to meet the expectations of the people you care about. You'll live to regret it, no matter how inevitable it may seem right now, and the entanglements initiated by a marriage will only increase as the years go by. You don't have to--shouldn't--make every decision about the direction your life takes right now, but you can avoid a world of hurt in the future by stepping back from this marriage that you already know isn't right for you.