what can i say to a counsellor?

Well, if you really don't feel like your counsellor is helping you then perhaps it's time to seek somebody else. If this is something that REALLY impedes on your day to day life and you feel like he isn't helping you get over what is bothering you then perhaps it is time that you seek help elsewhere.

It is not really fair to say that he said, you shouldn't be reliant on being able to see a counellor whenever you feel bad. And to a certain degree it has me a bit ticked off. But at the same time, I understand the sentiment, but it still seems a bit brash. Perhaps it's about limiting your visits...Or listening to your counesellor and getting him to tell you how to find ways of self advocacy (if it is a problem of self advocacy)

I say keep seeing him if it makes you feel better. But I think you need to address some of your frustrations to him. Tell him you do not think you are in a position for completele indepedence from his aid, but honestly tell him, that you are ready and willing to try.

But if it doesn't work, and you just can't seem to get past your obstacles, then perhaps it's time to begin to see somebody else.

 

I frankly think he is not a very good counselor. A good counselor should be able to talk to you about your day and your life and help you figure out why you are there, and help you along. I think it is too easy as a patient to wonder why you are there because the end product or goal is not necessarily easy to see if even existent. I think a good counselor helps you figure out what that is and why you are there.

I like using analogies to physical medicine. You go to the doctor complaining about some sort of medical problem, lets say your ankle hurts. Its the doctors job to figure why that is and what you can do, come up with a program of medicine surgery physical therapy or lifestyle changes and to check up on you intermittently. I think the suggestion that you need to just go out and do it is tantamount to a doctor saying do some stretches for your tendinitis. Yes that is a the right Idea, but you need more than this piece of advice.

Here is what I do when I talk to my therapist: we talk about my day, my work, what is stressing me out, what was good, my social interactions. Were there any particular ones that I was worried or interested in. We talk alot about my sexual orientation but this is largely probed by him.

I think the most important thing is to be totally honest about how you feel and what is going on in your life. it is difficult to do this with a stranger and it takes some practice to let go and say everything.

Finally, I would say in some sense he is right. My experience has definitely been that practicing is helpful, but I think what this means is kind of complicated and it has taken me a while to realize what it means to be able to share my emotions with others (which is my big problem). I think emotional intelligence and social skills are just like any other: practice makes perfect, but of course we also need teachers, guidance, and coaching and that is the point of a counselor.

Finally I want to mention (and I apologize for the chaotic organization of this post) that you shouldn't have to be in crisis to see a counselor. People see doctors all the time for non-emergency things. You don't wait until you have pneumonia to see a doctor about a respiratory infection. Similarly, I think it is easy to pretend like the problem is not that bad and try to cope, which can often be pretty successful, but day to day coping is a far cry from trying to get at the root causes.

If you have any questions about this or just want to chat about therapy. I'd be happy to talk. I think that there is a great value in a good therapist, and I would I encourage to continue trying to find someone you click with.

 

Essentially: what Marlowe said, but I do like to chip in with my 2 cents!

To me it seems that he's more the kind of councilor to focus on getting to the root of problems, or helping you analyse them, and not the kind who'll actually coach you to actually overcoming them.

If I think about my experiences with a counselor, though, it was exactly the "coaching" part I appreciated most.

(for reference: this was mostly about work-related anxiety)
Obviously there was a lot of discussing my own anxieties and where they come from and how I experience them, but there was not a single thing she could say that I didn't already know or thought of (though going over it all again with someone who has a bit more distance was still nice to get a proper overview). She was actually frighteningly good at this (seriously, I think she managed to deduce I was gay after an hour or so), but in the end, it was not much more enlightening than talking to a friend.

What made it a good experience, though, is that she actually would give me "homework assignments". Not just a "then go out and make it happen", but "Let's focus on doing this small new routine once a day for now".
Which, in the beginning was small (something like "posing at least one question every meeting during the meeting, instead of e-mailing my questions afterwards" or "In the next week, make one boast to your colleagues about a project you're proud of being in charge of"). Easy things that still seemed achievable.

Then, when I did them, I discussed how hard or easy they were and if I could see myself expanding that behaviour. Or if I didn't do them, we discussed why I found that so hard.
Which, in turn, lead to new "homework".


So, maybe that's more what you need: rather than an analysis of your problem, an action plan might be needed. And some enforcement (usually just having to report back did the trick for me).

Now, this guy might or might not be the one to do that with, but it could, at least, be some food for discussion; that you feel too daunted by doing it all at once, and that you're wondering if he could find a way to break it down in smaller steps, to be evaluated one at a time. Evolution instead of revolution!
Or, if he doesn't see that as his job, he might be able to give you pointers to someone who can help with that part.

And if he says "no, can't be broken down", then he's evidently the wrong guy after all. It is my firm belief that some modicum of social skills can be learned and can be coached. In that case, you do want to look for another councilor.

 

I am really happy that you are keeping an open even if skeptical mind toward counseling. You are not the only one who has had a bad experience with medical professionals not being supportive, and they like you are a but skeptical. Like you said, it is really hard to take that first step and then to have it not work out is even more difficult. It is like people who have a bad coming out experience, and then go back into the closet. It will take more courage to continue forward, but I am encouraged by your commitment to get help. As I said earlier, it is not your job to know exactly why you are there. When you do find someone else, you not only say why you are there but also, why your last counselor didn't work out. This will help your new counselor help you.

I hope it goes well. As hard as it may seem, you are doing right thing for yourself. Again, if you need any help along the way, I am always here to answer any questions.

 

I agree with a lot of this (I tried to read most of it, but theres a lot in here).

I also agree he is not very good.. I wouldn't say terrible, maybe disinterested and overworked or something.

You should be able to talk with a counsellor about anything! After a few sessions, they should just be building ground work to build up trust with you, and get to the root issues.. 3-4 sessions doesn't have many tell tales. And to say not to go to a counsellor when you feel bad.. well, come on! Thats their job!.. I personally go and see mine when I specifically feel bad and it is the best thing I can do.. he tells me I can come anytime.

The only thing I can think of is maybe you were going too regulary.. you said you ran out of things to talk about. Maybe it would be better to go fortnightly or even monthly.. but all that aside, find someone better - maybe someone who deals directly with GLBT health and issues.

 

Your therapist is someone who makes you feel better. Has to be a productive relationship.

That said…..good therapists are hard to come by

I recommend staying a few sessions at least, stick it out a while. A few months and youre still frustrated by this person then look for someone else
Im on therapist #4 within the past year….but this time hes a keeper

 

A lot of it is about the client/counsellor relationship as everyone else has said - it can take time to build up the trust, if you give it a bit of time and still aren't happy then have a think about changing.

The other thing worth doing is to ask yourself the following questions: What are my expectations of counselling? What am I aiming to achieve? What do I need from my counsellor in order to help me to help myself? If you have a think about these things you can go in there armed with a perspective of where you want the counselling to go.

What type of counselling are you having? Different counsellors will work in different ways. Is your counsellor person centred (believes that the client is the expert, values the client unconditionally, works in the "here and now"), psychodynamic (Freudian based, much more about the past), CBT (works on changing thinking patterns)? This list is by no means exhaustive - just three of the more common models

All different approaches overlap, but what approach your counsellor uses will determine how they approach their work.

I'm lucky - my counsellor just "gets it" with me, even to the point that she completely understands my hypersensitivity over my sexuality/identity, but it has taken awhile to get to the point where I feel ready - take it at your own pace - a good counsellor will understand this.

The whole process does take time and commitment from the client as well as the counsellor - the client has to be ready to work through the material they are bringing, and by ready I mean that it's ok if it takes 1 week, one month, 1 year or 10 years, as long as the client is willing to work through it the work can be done. Counselling is not a "cure" - I certainly hold the view that I am the expert in my own life, my counsellor is there as a facilitator, I can throw my ideas and different ways of looking at things around in there with her and work at untangling all the societal crap/messages I've picked up over the years.

Stick with it, if your counsellor really isn't beneficial have a think about changing, just be prepared that counselling is often a long, hard (but rewarding) journey with the right counsellor. Although this is the first time I have braved looking at my sexuality, I have had counselling for various other things in the past, including the very difficult process of facing upto some stuff that happened when I was younger with a different counsellor to the one I have now. Yes it was extremely hard, challenging, I wanted to be anywhere but in therapy at times, but I look back now and see how letting go of a lot of that has had nothing but a positive impact on my life today - from that alone I would always say that it's worth giving counselling a go if you think it could be beneficial.

Hope that helps and best of luck with it