One thing I wanted to ask you guys about that really tickles me is when people say that they knew you were gay. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anyone come out to somebody who told you they knew you were gay? How do you think they knew? --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It got to the point where when I came out to some people at the Zen Retreat, my entire van had suspected I was gay... I never talked about men, actually, I even talked about Beyonce for a good 5 minutes. And I am nowhere near flamboyant. My driver/teacher was openly gay and flamming flamboyant. All three of the people in the van sort of backed me into closet and made me come out. But it was easier for me to come out knowing There response to me was, we sort of already knew. I'm like, how?!! His response, "Us gay guys sort of have that sense when other gay men are around." Okay for him, but then how did the other two know?
Most of the people I came out to were not what I would call surprised. My experience has been that people coming out often think that because they are not the prancing sissy of stereotypical lore, their sexuality must be a well-kept secret. "Gaydar" (gay + radar) is the term people use for people's (usually other gay people's) purported ability to figure out other people's non-heterosexuality. It's not really a science but it is true that you can develop the ability to pick on certain clues about a person that are too subtle to be noticed by some others which can sometimes allow you to accurately guess their sexuality. It's not guaranteed and a lot of it relies on a lot of stereotyped traits but there's no denying that some people are more accurate in their assumptions than others. Personally, actually, if a guy went on about Beyonce to me, I would assume he were gay, not straight, unless the going on about her was exclusively sexual. And even then, some closeted gay guys exhibit overblown heterosexuality to cover their actual sexual attraction, so that doesn't necessarily "prove" they're straight. What I think it boils down to is that if you know you are gay, there's no underlying sexual tension between you and members of the opposite gender, and there is underlying sexual tension between you and members of the same gender, and some people are good at picking up on that, hence "gaydar." I remember one person telling me the way to spot whether a guy was gay was to see who they *noticed*. Not who they talked about or who they pursued but who their eyes darted to, involuntarily, when they first entered a space, before they'd had a chance to maybe put up a facade. In my case, I didn't consciously accept I was gay for the first five years after puberty hit but obviously I was subconsciously giving out a lot of signals. Plus I was hardly a strong example of traditional masculinity, so it's easy in hindsight to see why people had me figured out before I'd come to accept it myself.
Joeyconnick, I'm a black guy raised on the streets of Oakland, to me, a brotha talking about Beyonce's &$$ sounds like your typical impression of Compton/Oaktown, CA. My other problem is that every black gay guy I've known is ruff (i.e. DMX, Terry Crews) or ultra-flamboyant (i.e. RuPaul, Sheneneh). So when I come along, I don't know how you would place me, I mean, my friends aren't far off when they say I act like Collins (Jesse Lee Wililiams) from RENT. But I still don't see how that gives me away. But I will give you that there is no tension between me and other girls. Girls at my boarding school trusted me more than they would trust other girls.
that sexual tension theory makes sense, but its annoying because that makes it next to impossible for a gay guy to develop "bidar" :icon_conf b/c there's already that sexual tension between you and that other guy b/c ur gay but then theres sexual tension between that guy and a girl so its kinda annoying. its weird tho, no one ive come out to yet has said that theyve known, my sister even said "no ur not, ur bi" it was quite funny
I think there is a whole tao arround a gay guy... it's everything... and nothing in particular. His energy, he way of walking, his stare, his eyes, his comfort with himself, his way of looking at you, or other men, his way of looking at women... after observing someone for some time and not being noticed, you can tell with a certain degree of certainty whether someone is gay or not. at least i've found I can do so. Plus, there are some pretty obvious cases..
why are you gay? My son is gay I was not ans easy Women for his father to get along with. I feel it is my fault my so is gay!!!
It is not your fault. It's nobody's fault, it's just how he turned out. Like some people are left handed, some people have freckles, some people have blond hair, some people become short-sighted etc. Most experts now agree that people are born gay and do not become gay due to aspects of their upbringing. It is possible that some aspects of upbringing may make people realise and accept they are gay sooner, or may make them deny it for many years, but ultimately a person is gay because he/she was born that way. There are numerous theories about how a person can "become" gay, and I think you are thinking of the "absent father, dominant mother" one. Don't - it's rubbish and has been proved to be so (such as cases where only one of several children in that state is gay). Please do not try to find explanations for your son's gayness - there are none. It is how he is. For the same reason, do not blame yourself. It is not your fault. The best thing to do, although it can be difficult, is to accept that this is how he is, and try to understand, encourage and support him. Also please remember that he is the same son as he always was. Nothing about him has changed at all. The only thing that has changed is that you now know more about him.
